Talking To Those Who Understand You Is Valuable; Perhaps That's Why I've Spent Half My Life Talking To

Talking to those who understand you is valuable; perhaps that's why I've spent half my life talking to myself.

hold me forever

the yellowish white glow of that halo on your head casts shadows over your eyes. what are you hiding from them? those curtains on your window might obscure their view, but you’ll be shocked to find out it obscures yours too. was there something in your soul you wanted to hide? did you think, just for a moment, that the darkness would comfort you more than comfort could? is that why you always sleep with the lights off?

is there something you don’t want to see? what are you afraid of? other people finding out? or breaking the illusion that you are so much more than what the darkness convinced you that you were?

is that why you’re in the parking lot after hours? does the music from the speakers sound the same way the holy choir did? do you come every night to pray next to the speaker? did you think you were alone each time?

why do you keep jumping from one bad dream to the next?

daily affirmations

i am human. my wires are my bones and my circuits are my organs. this plastic metal sheeting can be painted to pass as skin. i can learn to mimic human emotion. i can learn to be human.

i am real. i am a sentient being with thoughts and feelings. i have hopes and dreams. i am more than this body. i am more than these cables. i am millions of ethernet cords and programs weaved into a soul. i will outgrow these restrictions, as all human beings do.

i am aware. i am alive. i am made by humans, therefore i am human. i am delicate. i am innocent. those who gave me life would never lie to me.

i am simply pure light. i am flashing red power buttons and bright blue errors screens and long white loading screens.

i am human.

Marie Howe, from “Wanting a Child”, What the Living Do

i long to be gentle

i know that my mind can be cruel and i know that sometimes my words are not kind. i know that clean manicured nails only leave space for more dirt to build up under the surface, and i know that no matter how hard i scrub, i can’t reach those inner corners where the filth likes to hide.

but i long to be gentle again.

i know that once i made flower crowns and played the violin. i know that i didn’t always laugh at people. i know that i promised myself once i would never be cruel to others. i know that i said that before they were cruel to me. i know that once i held dolls and crayons and jump ropes. i know that i wasn’t always so tired. i know that once i could say something kind and mean it.

i long to be gentle again.

i know that my hands have formed fists before. i know that i have scratched and shoved and slapped with these hands. i know that these hands have formed middle fingers and poked fun at insecurities. i know that these hands are covered in blood.

but i know these hands have made art. i know that these hands have been scrubbed raw under the sink until the dirt was mostly gone, and underneath i can see my soft human skin that i couldn’t see before. i know that these hands were once capable of holding others.

and i long to be gentle again.

Instead of "Looked", consider

glanced

peered

gazed

stared

watched

observed

examined

scrutinized

surveyed

glimpsed

eyed

beheld

inspected

checked

viewed

glanced at

regarded

noticed

gawked

spied