I Need

I need

So much

Silence

I need

Freedom

My own space

Why is it so hard to take care of myself?

There is a loss

Of words

And ways

And days

And wonder

When did I stop to be curious?

When did I start to be scared?

Of everyone

And anyone

When did I run off?

Where am I?

Who can I be?

With all the ideas other people have off me?

I need so much

I need to have clear boundaries

I need to stand my ground

I need to ask and ask for help

Dependent on your shout

If you don’t care

I can’t spare

My energy

Without me

Where am I?

I’m not here

And yet I stand with fear

I need to connect

Yet there’s respect

Too much

Distance

Far away

The glass window

Above

And Beyond

Who are we?

More than one?

The question is

Why don’t we run?

Anymore

Are we here?

Where are we

We are there

And now we care

More about us

More about the world around us

I wish the fear was gone

But begone

My hope

Of chaos

Changing into

Non-chaotic circumstances

We are there and we are fair

There is so much more

Always

Tired

Scared

Well-prepared

Too informed for the world

Curious

Whenever

Wherever

Respecting boundaries

Creating distance

Better than overstepping

Though isolating

Alone

Not lonely

But lonely in ways

No one seems to comprehend

Ambivalent

Contradictory

Complex

Me

I feel like I am

Loosing myself

Over and over

And over

Again

I am loosing the sense of who I am

I am loosing the sense of what I want

I am loosing the sense of what I need

I feel overwhelmed by possibility

I feel overwhelmed by my fears

I feel overwhelmed by the distance

I feel like I create

I like people

But I feel like

I can’t go any steps towards them

I feel lost

And I second guess myself

But I want to

I need to

Trust the process

I need to

I want to

Be able to

Trust myself

In all of this chaos

It is hard to exist

Without the fear

That tomorrow everything could be over

And then I feel like

I wish back the time were

I didn’t care about myself

But I don’t

I guess this isn’t easy

But I wanna try

Over and over

And over again

There is something quite wrong

In the right

Is it worth the fight?

A fight that I can only loose

But we will win

One day

It might be after my time

And that is to fight for the future

I will not see

Is that worth it

To suffer greatly?

For someone else’s better future.

I don’t think so.

But maybe we‘re faster you know?

Change can happen

And not so slow

But it feels so dragging

And we are slacking

The resources are there

We are willing to share

But not tell 100 times

Get the knowledge

It’s hard to find

Some don’t pop up

Is it worth the grind?

Forever

No sleep

Tired

Unfree

Missing the sense

My growing defence

I feel

Like I am

Loosing myself

Between

The walls

Of the friends

I had

Within myself

Who am I

In all of this?

Not really

One

But more of a myth

Who do I love?

And why does it matter?

Words

Create

Peace

In my head

There is a fear

Of loosing

Myself

When In reality

I already

Lost

Myself

Countless

Times

I lost and found

And lost and found

I let myself be free

And with this comes

A sense of

Uncertainty

Being

Free

Means

Being

Lost

And being lost

Means

Panick

In the System

Wherever

We go

Wherever

We run

Everything

Seems

To be screeming

„You‘re wrong!“

Who knows

I‘m lost

And will be found

Again

The urge

To run

Is there

In the end

Just confused

Overwhelmed

Can’t sleep

The usual

But why is this usual

Why have I gotten used to it

And why is this all a neverending story

Every time I found out one thing and thaught

Well so much happened there certainly can’t come anything more

One more thing comes that I knew about but somehow pushed away

So yeah

Confusion

Delusion

Pollution

Recreation

Devastation

Checking in with myself over and over and over again.

It’s jarring

And I don’t know what to do about it

Other than

Giving it time

And trying to rest alone

Which is hard because of my sleeping issues

But anyway

I‘m trying

And hanging in there

And that counts for something

And honestly

I am so freaking proud of myself

I can’t even put into words how proud I am

And I am thankful for that

Und manchmal wünscht ich dass ich jünger wär

Dann wär vielleicht alles nur halb so schwer

Dann hätt ich vielleicht Freunde finden

Mich verbinden

Können

Mit Gleichgesinnten

Dann hätt ich mich vielleicht nicht so falsch gefühlt

So anders

Wie ein Eindringling

Als wär ich nur der Beobachter

Ich Gehör da nicht hin

Was mach ich da

Und doch bin ich jetzt froh

Erwachsen zu sein

Gewachsen zu sein

Nicht mehr abhängig zu sein

Doch rennen will ich immer noch

Gleichgesinnte finden

Und nicht hinter Mauern verschwinden

Doch hätte ich die früher gehabt

Vielleicht hätt ich’s dann noch weiter gebracht

Die Isolation

Das ist die Gefahr

Wir sind oft allein

Das ist uns klar

Und jetzt da fängt das Leben doch an

Doch alles was ist

Hängt schwer an mir dran

Gekommen zum gehen

Gegangen hierher

Um wiederzukommen

Das Leben ist schwer

Zu zweit

Allein

Das Schicksal

Vereint

Zusammen

Zu finden

Wir sind schon

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