You Know

You know

I love this place

And I need more time

I love some bits and pieces

And I wanna make them mine

I want to find the people I enjoy

I wanna stay and see how it goes

And at the same time

I am frustrated

Restless

I feel lost

I don’t want to study

I want to mourn

The life I could have had

If I wouldn’t have the life I have

This time my body keeps me alive

But I am so so tired

I can’t really sleep

Yet my heart is pounding

Heavy in my chest

The anticipation of change

Like I am moving

And the world is moving

But I don’t feel like the right parts of me are moving

But maybe they are

Life is not a straight line

And I am not straight

Yet the chaos is tiring

The feeling of never being able to do everything is tiring

I am now a person

Who isn’t that wonderkid anymore

I am now a person who is struggling

In a thing I never struggled with

This world

It‘s not for me

Nor am I for it

But my strength

Leads me to staying here

And now I understand

That something is near

The emptiness faded

My brain is lost

Will I ever stop feeling like

The world never stops

I am gone

Forever now

I don’t know

What to do

The constant changing is tiring

And I just don’t want to move

Anymore

I am done

With this

I wanna give up

Let me have a heart attack

Or let me survive

This is not responsible

The issue here is

That the fear of failing is keeping me from trying

And in the end

We don’t even know

What’s wrong

What’s right

Who am I

In this world

Where there is only 2 options

I wanna run away

Faster than ever

I wanna fly away

What if we can’t run any more

What if we don’t use the energy for fear

But for determination

The nervousness in my stomach will not go away

I hate it here

Except I don’t

Can’t sleep

Can’t eat

Can’t think

It feels like it’s over

But really it’s the beginning

Who am I

In all of this

Sometimes I hate existing

Sometimes I‘m amazed I still exist

Sometimes I wanna run

Everything hurts

I will never get used to the jokes

To the fact that you’re joking about my life

You are just joking, right?

But it makes me wanna die.

It makes me wanna run away.

Running

Faster than the sun

Can burn

Your brain

If it’s a joke

Why does it hurt

I wanna go

Away

Again

Being with people

Mirroring your own insecurities

Will it ever get better

I don’t know

Maybe

And maybe

Not

Ugh

I hate

Being

At

This point again

And I wish

I decided differently

I wish I didn’t

Go here

At least

I would

Feel safe

And have people

To hug

Can we please

Stop feeling

So much shame

Feeling like it’s our fault

I am not ok

That is the truth

And I wish I was

But I am not

And I don’t know

If I‘ll ever be

Fear

Sadness

Anger

Disguises

What is joy

I just feel mute

Thank you for realising

That you are not ok

I don’t care

But I do care

I live

But I hit the brakes

Have you ever tried to cycle while hitting the brakes?

Yeah

That’s what it feels like

I just wanna run away

And come back

Over and over again

Because it’s easier

Than staying

Although

It takes

So much more energy

And all of my problems

Seem to much

And feel like

They are my fault

Anyways

Which they are not

But yeah

Still here today

Not gonna die

Stronger

Faster

Better

Who am I in all of this

Coming home

Again

And again

And again

Love

For all the people I know

Love for myself

Forever and always

Ich zieh sie wieder an

Meine Hülle

Die nie so richtig passt

Jeder Pullover zu kratzig

Jedes Hemd zu groß

Jede Hose zu eng

In all ihrer Endgültigkeit

Liegt sie vor mir

Die Wahrheit ist nicht schön

Die Wahrheit bringt nichts

Die Wahrheit

Ist nicht so einfach

Naja

Wir bleiben halt

Und das ist erstmal gut so.

Sitting around

Waiting to get help

Fearing life and fearing not getting help

The idiocy of our decisions

Beating ourselves up

The questions

Remaining

As to why

We stopped

Loving everything

And anything

Being gone

Hating ourselves

Not having a reason to live anymore

If once and for all

There is only one thing I want to experience again

And that is just cuddling with you

But it doesn’t solve anything

Doesn’t solve

My lost reasons

My lost picture of myself

How gone I am

And how I am afraid of life itself

Yet I don’t want to die

But it’s the only option

Right?

I don’t believe that

But I am caught in the middle of not wanting to die

But not wanting to live

For what?

In this world of war and uncertainty

In this world of hate

And disconnection

I am not strong enough anymore

Too much happened

Too many things went wrong

And still

I am only a part of myself

I am too scared

For this

I feel like this is over now

Sooner than later

I need help and I don’t want help

The contradiction of reality

I live in

Lost in this big wide world

I don’t want to rely on anyone

Yet I need to rely on everyone

I want to feel miserable

Yet I want to find a way out of this

I feel like I am just faking how bad I am feeling

Yet I feel like no one understands how bad I am feeling

The contradiction of the believes I hold is unbearable

The positivity is gone

I don’t want to fight to live in a broken world

Yet in its brokenness lies a certain beauty

I don’t want to read peoples emotions

I don’t want to interpret peoples emotions

I feel like how I view myself is keeping me distant from everyone else

I don’t believe that I can be helped

Yet I know and hope so

Everything at once

Gone

Forever

The times

When energy

Was an endless resource

And taking care of others kept me alive

But now

Nothing is ever enough

And nothing will ever be enough

I hope it will get better

Yet I don’t believe it will

I don’t want to hope

For my dreams to crash

Now I am the problem

The people I looked down on

I now can understand them

A little bit better

My self hatred is as big as it never was before

The reasons are gone

Just to live for your hugs

Is not an option

But maybe a beginning

Of a reason

Reason 1: Your hugs

Whatever

It’s stupid to resolve my world around your hugs

I didn’t even tell you what really happened

I feel so ashamed

I feel like I am not allowed to feel bad

I feel like it is all my fault.

I feel like I ruined this incredible chance I had

I feel like all of this is just my fault

And thus I am the problem

But your hugs are immaculate

Being cuddled in your arms

Is a reason to stay

I am sorry

That I am miserable

And not doing anything against it

Well my fault

Forever

Do you ever realise that you also have the chance to change things or learn out of things?

A fault isn’t a fate.

But as long as my brain is beating me up.

For every little small and big thing

There is only one reason to stay:

Your hugs

There is no reason

No reason

No reason

But what I really wanna convince myself of is that I don’t care

Don’t care

I feel too much

And I am scared of it

So I stay away

And don’t go.

I am scared

Of what I don’t know

I don’t want to continue

To live in a world

Where I have to fight myself

To survive

Where I have to strive

To feel like I am worthwhile

Thank you for not staying silent

Thank you for your answer on here

From a long time ago

Maybe it is too much to ask

Can you help me again?

I feel lost and insecure

But I also fear

To not feel that way again

Because everything changes

At a pace

I can’t keep up with

And things I once enjoyed

Just feel mute

What is this

I run from it

Gone

In the world

Wrong

I can’t swerve anymore

I have to face

The reality

The truth

But I just wanna run

One day I’m fine

The other I’m not

Everything feels like

It’s my mistake.

My fault

Will it ever change?