Sitting Around

Sitting around

Waiting to get help

Fearing life and fearing not getting help

The idiocy of our decisions

Beating ourselves up

The questions

Remaining

As to why

We stopped

Loving everything

And anything

Being gone

Hating ourselves

Not having a reason to live anymore

If once and for all

There is only one thing I want to experience again

And that is just cuddling with you

But it doesn’t solve anything

Doesn’t solve

My lost reasons

My lost picture of myself

How gone I am

And how I am afraid of life itself

Yet I don’t want to die

But it’s the only option

Right?

I don’t believe that

But I am caught in the middle of not wanting to die

But not wanting to live

For what?

In this world of war and uncertainty

In this world of hate

And disconnection

I am not strong enough anymore

Too much happened

Too many things went wrong

And still

I am only a part of myself

I am too scared

For this

I feel like this is over now

Sooner than later

I need help and I don’t want help

The contradiction of reality

I live in

Lost in this big wide world

I don’t want to rely on anyone

Yet I need to rely on everyone

I want to feel miserable

Yet I want to find a way out of this

I feel like I am just faking how bad I am feeling

Yet I feel like no one understands how bad I am feeling

The contradiction of the believes I hold is unbearable

The positivity is gone

I don’t want to fight to live in a broken world

Yet in its brokenness lies a certain beauty

I don’t want to read peoples emotions

I don’t want to interpret peoples emotions

I feel like how I view myself is keeping me distant from everyone else

I don’t believe that I can be helped

Yet I know and hope so

Everything at once

Gone

Forever

The times

When energy

Was an endless resource

And taking care of others kept me alive

But now

Nothing is ever enough

And nothing will ever be enough

I hope it will get better

Yet I don’t believe it will

I don’t want to hope

For my dreams to crash

Now I am the problem

The people I looked down on

I now can understand them

A little bit better

My self hatred is as big as it never was before

The reasons are gone

Just to live for your hugs

Is not an option

But maybe a beginning

Of a reason

Reason 1: Your hugs

Whatever

It’s stupid to resolve my world around your hugs

I didn’t even tell you what really happened

I feel so ashamed

I feel like I am not allowed to feel bad

I feel like it is all my fault.

I feel like I ruined this incredible chance I had

I feel like all of this is just my fault

And thus I am the problem

But your hugs are immaculate

Being cuddled in your arms

Is a reason to stay

I am sorry

That I am miserable

And not doing anything against it

Well my fault

Forever

Do you ever realise that you also have the chance to change things or learn out of things?

A fault isn’t a fate.

But as long as my brain is beating me up.

For every little small and big thing

There is only one reason to stay:

Your hugs

I miss you laying in my arms

I miss you catching me

I miss you hugging me tight

I miss you looking at me like we are the only two people on the planet

I miss you saying you love me

I miss sleeping cuddled into your chest

I miss you being excited whenever I am taller than you

I miss watching you

I miss holding you close

I miss you showing me comics

I miss us showing each other music

I miss your room that just breathes you

I miss you and us and we

Being responsible for myself is yet freeing yet scary.

The contradiction of my existence.

Insecurity is at the start of change.

Right now

There is just

Being tired

And feeling alive.

Still here today

Not gonna die

Stronger

Faster

Better

Who am I in all of this

Coming home

Again

And again

And again

Love

For all the people I know

Love for myself

Forever and always

If you paint a black canvas white,

is it not black anymore?

No one knows how much it hurts

To have a part that doesn’t belong

No one knows the pain and the grief

Of suffering from something that is without any logic

The pain and the joy

So close together

Who I am doesn’t change

But how you see me does

Verteufelt

Stigmatisiert

Stillgeschwiegen

Versteckt

Unverständnis

Hass

Ungläubigkeit

DAs einzige was hilft ist das moralisch verwerfliche und vermeintlich gefährliche

Denn medizinische Hilfe gibt es nicht

Weil die Ethik wiederspricht

Nur ominöse Torwächter

Ohne Sinn und Verstand

Der Schmerz der bleibt

Komm nimm mich an die Hand

Zeig mir die Welt wie du sie siehst

Ohne den ganzen Schmerz.