I Just Wanna Go

I just wanna go

Run away

Not having to put up with all of that any more

Dysphoria is annoying as hell

It just sucks so much

I just wanna go

Run away

Not know that I am not who I thaught to be

Not lose hope

Not be so fucking tired

I hate it here

But there is so much I love

Community

Walks

Nature

Animals

Sports

Friend

I miss you so much

Everyone who ever died

Leaves a whole bigger than them

I don’t want to feel the pain anymore

It was such along time ago

I am gaining weight and I hate it

It sucks sometimes

I hate it here

And in the end

We don’t even know

What’s wrong

What’s right

Who am I

In this world

Where there is only 2 options

I wanna run away

Faster than ever

I wanna fly away

What if we can’t run any more

What if we don’t use the energy for fear

But for determination

The nervousness in my stomach will not go away

I hate it here

Except I don’t

Can’t sleep

Can’t eat

Can’t think

It feels like it’s over

But really it’s the beginning

Who am I

In all of this

Sometimes I hate existing

Sometimes I‘m amazed I still exist

Sometimes I wanna run

Everything hurts

I will never get used to the jokes

To the fact that you’re joking about my life

You are just joking, right?

But it makes me wanna die.

It makes me wanna run away.

Running

Faster than the sun

Can burn

Your brain

If it’s a joke

Why does it hurt

I wanna go

Away

Again

Being with people

Mirroring your own insecurities

Will it ever get better

I don’t know

Maybe

And maybe

Not

Ugh

I hate

Being

At

This point again

And I wish

I decided differently

I wish I didn’t

Go here

At least

I would

Feel safe

And have people

To hug

Can we please

Stop feeling

So much shame

Feeling like it’s our fault

I am not ok

That is the truth

And I wish I was

But I am not

And I don’t know

If I‘ll ever be

Fear

Sadness

Anger

Disguises

What is joy

I just feel mute

Thank you for realising

That you are not ok

I don’t care

But I do care

I live

But I hit the brakes

Have you ever tried to cycle while hitting the brakes?

Yeah

That’s what it feels like

I just wanna run away

And come back

Over and over again

Because it’s easier

Than staying

Although

It takes

So much more energy

And all of my problems

Seem to much

And feel like

They are my fault

Anyways

Which they are not

But yeah

How

One day

Changes

One

Chance

One game

The feeling

Of belonging

Is so important

I wanna see

How

My life goes

I wanna see

How I can grow

I wanna live

And see

If I am right

If there is a chance

For you and me

To gently be

Exist

Without the fears

Of being a wrong

Person

How can you be wrong

I love your kindness

I love how you care

For people

I love

That you care

I love that you try

I love that you don’t give up

Try and get the help

Don’t fly away

I wanna stay

This is powerful

As today

What if we run

From the sun

To the moon

And exist

Here

We are

I love people

Sooo much

I mean

There are annoying ones

But mostly

They are kind

And sweet

And nice

And just want to connect

With each other

What if all those loud people

Are just lonely

And fear to be overlooked

Who is powerful

And who is not

I enjoy

This

And I hope

It continues

To inspire

Me

How cruel is it that sometimes even love isn't enough?

How cruel is it that an illness can divide us so much?

How cruel is it that I seem to be too much for everyone?

How cruel is it that even me just wanting to be in your arms is too much for you?

What are you so afraid of?

Why can't we see each other?

I miss you soo much.

And this sucks.

It sucks that people always leave when you need them the most.

It sucks that the world is so cruel.

It sucks that noone can deal with certain illnesses.

And their severity.

We all deal with life diferently.

And I just wanna hear your voice and hold your hand.

And forget about life for a while.

Is it wrong to wish for that.

Is it wrong that with you I can forget for a while who I have to be.

I am so sick of hearing from everyone how

much potential I have.

They all support me soo much.

Because they know I can reach for the stars.

But all I wanna do is live a normal life.

But wherever I go I am supposed to be some wonderkid.

Some special person.

The one who saves the world.

I can shift the momentum in an entire room of people.

But that doesn't mean that I have to.

So I sit here in silence alone

With too much feelings

And too much potential

And I get more and more agressive every

day

And I don't know how to put my life in regular waters again

Because time and time again I end up alone.

Because people are either starstruck by me or scared of me without me even showing them my full complex self.

It sucks to be too much.

No one knows how much it hurts

To have a part that doesn’t belong

No one knows the pain and the grief

Of suffering from something that is without any logic

The pain and the joy

So close together

Who I am doesn’t change

But how you see me does

Verteufelt

Stigmatisiert

Stillgeschwiegen

Versteckt

Unverständnis

Hass

Ungläubigkeit

DAs einzige was hilft ist das moralisch verwerfliche und vermeintlich gefährliche

Denn medizinische Hilfe gibt es nicht

Weil die Ethik wiederspricht

Nur ominöse Torwächter

Ohne Sinn und Verstand

Der Schmerz der bleibt

Komm nimm mich an die Hand

Zeig mir die Welt wie du sie siehst

Ohne den ganzen Schmerz.

There is no reason

No reason

No reason

But what I really wanna convince myself of is that I don’t care

Don’t care

I feel too much

And I am scared of it

So I stay away

And don’t go.

I am scared

Of what I don’t know

I don’t want to continue

To live in a world

Where I have to fight myself

To survive

Where I have to strive

To feel like I am worthwhile

Thank you for not staying silent

Thank you for your answer on here

From a long time ago

Maybe it is too much to ask

Can you help me again?

I feel lost and insecure

But I also fear

To not feel that way again

Because everything changes

At a pace

I can’t keep up with

And things I once enjoyed

Just feel mute

What is this

I run from it

Gone

In the world

Wrong

I can’t swerve anymore

I have to face

The reality

The truth

But I just wanna run

One day I’m fine

The other I’m not

Everything feels like

It’s my mistake.

My fault

Will it ever change?