Just My Brain Scramble After Watching 15x20

just my brain scramble after watching 15x20

I just realized what makes me so fucking sad about 15x20. It’s that I’m Cas. The last days I’ve revisited my past and remembered how fucking sad and angry I was during my entire youth. All I wanted was to be happy and be saved by true, unconditional love. I buried my sad reality in the fantasy of one day being truly happy, of living love. And over time, I lost the hope in ever being fully happy. I learned that I could never trust happiness for even a moment, because all the times I felt truly happy and believed it was gonna last I lost it immediately. I moved to Berlin and was so happy that finally I could start living my live. I was happy because I thought I wasn’t the unlovable, awkward person I always perceived myself as. But as soon as I believed that things were gonna stay happy I not only lost my health and got depressed and anxious about that, I also realized that it was just impossible for me to have a real, deep connection with anyone because of who I am as a person and because nobody really cared about me. When I was happy in Greece, I knew it wasn’t gonna last, I knew I’d have to return to my sad reality and I did. I lost trust in the existence of true happiness, because everything that ever happened in my life showed me that I should never trust in happiness to last, because once I was happy, it was always taken away from me. Always. I stopped believing in true love that could last, because of everything that happened in my life. I learned that love can always end, people can always fall out of love or just stop caring, no matter how much they might have once loved you, no matter how much they care right now, you can’t ever trust it’s gonna stay that way. So I stayed cautious. It’s so depressing to not believe that love and happiness will last, but everything in my life showed me that all the good things will inevitably end. By now believing so strongly that Destiel was going to have their happy end, I let in the hope that maybe there existed lasting happiness and love in real life and that I could have it too, one day. But then 15x20 was so pointless and empty. And I realized that I’m in fact Cas. I’m not Dean, I’m not the lover. I’m the poet, the one who’ll always sacrifice everything for the person she loves. And the one who’s always not cared about by that person. The one who’s immediately forgotten. I care so much for the happiness of the person I love that I forget that I could end up unhappy too. I’m always making the poetic choice and I’m shocked every time again when I end up with a tragic, pointless ending. I believed that maybe, just maybe I could be loved. Just for once I could love someone and be loved back. But no, I’ll always just sacrifice everything because I believe that’s what true love does, sacrifice. I just never give that love to someone who reciprocates it. Or who even deserves it. And I try to talk myself into believing that at least I really loved, that it’s about being and not having, but I’m just so exhausted. For once it would be nice for what I do not to be so pointless. For once it would be nice to not just be but also have. To not be the tragic poet that loves to deeply.

The moment Cas allowed himself to be fully happy was the moment everything was taken from him. He sacrificed everything and it was utterly pointless. Dean died anyways. We KNOW that he loved Cas back, his reaction after Cas’ confession said everything, I mean, not picking up the phone when Sammy calls, waking up on the floor after passing out drunk, changing his self-perception from being angry to being loving. And yet, all of that was thrown out the window and turned into Dean living his life of pointless cake eating and dying anyways soon after Cas sacrificing himself to save Dean’s life. It ended with Dean not seeming to care AT ALL about Cas anymore. Even if we ignore his reaction to Cas’ confession of love and all other scenes where their mutual love is clear, even if we ignored all that and said he only loves Cas as a friend, he would have done everything to get Cas back. He wouldn’t just have moved on. But he ...did? And he didn’t even talk or ask about him at all?? Like he was just disgusted to hear Cas’ name, like he was too disgusted to even think about him for a moment?? Like he was so homophobic that he let his best friend rot in superhell and not waste a single thought on him anymore just because Cas’ confessed that he loved him? That’s not only inconsistent with everything we ever knew about Dean’s character, it’s also just a slap in the face for everyone who thought that we gays could for once have real love. It basically said that we don’t even deserve to be thought about or mentioned. It basically told me I was always gonna fall in love with the wrong person and sacrifice everything for them just to be met with blatant ignorance because once I show myself to them and allow myself to be happy and believe I can actually experience lasting happiness and love, I’ll be shown that I’m just a stupid, tragic idgit that will be despised by the person she’d do everything for because they despise my true self once I show them who I truly am.

And now I’m a depressed 16 year-old again typing pathetic lines while listening to emo bands I didn’t even think about in 6 years, hoping that someone on the internet might read what I’m writing here and understand and maybe even comfort me.

Every single day I see my neighbors‘ nametag on their door. And every day, without a fail, I crack up a little because they’re called „Heller“ and I‘m just way too invested in spn to not find that funny.

Ever since 15x18 NOTHING made me cry as hard as this just did!! It’s almost 4 am and for the first time since spn ended I feel at peace. You really made this so real.. I feel like it actually was in the show. Now excuse me while I cry some more happy tears and lay my weary head to rest😭😭😭

Supernatural had the opportunity to do something great. To send a message of love and validation to a whole community. Not only to the part of the community that liked their show, but to all of us. But instead they decided to pander to the people, who never had to fight for their representation.

I support #TheySilencedYou, #TheySilencedThem and #TheyWillNeverSilenceUs and I'm in awe of all of you. Of your eloquence, passion, coordination and decisiveness. And I feel like your message goes beyond this particular TV show and the CW.

It's about protesting a pattern of disrespect towards otherness in Mainstream Media. It's about demanding meaningful, unmistakably queer representation, that enables discourse and furthers understanding in a heterogenic Audience. It's about asking Networks to not only hire diverse staff but to also give them the freedom to tell their stories the way they want to. It's about telling creators to own up to the inherent messages they leave us with in the end.

And that's inspiring and should be celebrated.

Stories matter.

https://t.co/54FAmAK4Pc?ssr=true

I’m crying they’re so much fun together😭 Wish we’d seen them working together more often!!😇👿

No need to call me out like that!!😭

Sam: Are you having a depressive episode again?

Dean: Depressive episode?

Dean: I’m having a depressive series and we’re on season 5.

In case anyone needs to hear this today.

Dean Winchester wants you to always keep fighting! You’ve got this!