You Dont Think Im A Bad Person ? *

you don’t think i’m a bad person ? ༊*·˚

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synopsis: in which you find out that regulus got the dark mark

You leaned against a pillar, your back feeling the cold transferring from the marble to your exposed back, making shivers run to every part of your body. The music coming out of a pianoforte filled your ears, fading all the other sounds of people surrounding you, dancing, laughing, chatting…

The House Elves did great job with the decorations. The place was filled with white roses, his favorite. Your eyes traveled to the fresco at the ceiling, falling down to the paintings hanging on the walls and moving slowly to the marble ground in front of you.

There was no point of you being there if he wasn't. You had examined every single face in the room and none of them belonged to him. To your one and only. To the light of your eyes, the light of your soul, the light of your everything. To your Regulus Black.

Regulus Black, the person you would kill every star for, burn every tree, drain every ocean. You would trap all the earth's oxygen in a jar and give it to him, you would shrink the moon so he could carry it in his pocket. He was your everything.

And it was killing you like a slow-acting yet painful poison the fact that it's been a while since you exchanged your last words. He had decided to abruptly cut the ropes connecting you without any explanation.

You had written him plenty of times about how much you missed him. How much you missed the days you were lying in bed together wrapped around one another, his hands on your forehead as he was staring at the ceiling calm and serene, and your eyes sinking into his stare. You would give the world to go back to these days, when you were walking around the room feeling his eyes fixed on you, and you pretended that it didn't affect you at all.

You had written to him that your life didn't have meaning without him. You were miserable.

Only then did he send a letter to you with two sentences written in a sloppy handwriting you've never seen from him. It concerned you because even though you could tell that it was his handwriting, his letters, it wasn't his hand that was writing it:

Dear Y/N,

I'd rather see you miserable than dead.

Burn the letter.

R.A.B.

Of course, you didn't burn the letter. If these were his last words to you, you wanted to have them, even if they hurt.

Every time you read those two sentences, you could feel knives piercing your heart, breaking it, and letting it fall in pieces right in front of his feet.

You breathed out heavily, feeling like you were suffocating, like you couldn't breathe. So, you decided to go for a walk around the manor. Besides, there was no point in you staying at the ballroom and watching all the people having fun, when he wasn't there with you.

You made your way deeper into extremely quiet halls, then to another and then another, as if drawn by a supernatural force to a lane that was leading to another world.

Weak square lights were balanced at the pillars, as the gleaming moon was pouring her pale light inside. Everything was dark but you kept walking.

Suddenly, the sound of your shoes started to quieten and got replaced by a painful scream. It turned your blood cold, utterly horrifying. Your body froze for a few moments before you took out your wand.

From the last door to your right, you saw a faint light coming from a half-opened door. You moved slowly deeper in that direction your grip tight around your wand ready to attack or defend yourself from the scream.

Another animalistic scream was heard and you felt paralyzed by fear. You gulped but you kept going until you heard another painful cry followed by sobs. You weren't sure if it was a wild animal or a poor child.

« Fuck! », the voice cried loudly. Your lips separated and your wand fell down. Without much thinking you burst into the room, letting the door hit back at the wall with a thunderous sound.

Regulus was curled on the floor, his back balanced against the cold wall, legs close to his pounding chest. His dark curls were concealing his face that was buried between his legs.

The moonlight slipped through the window swimming inside to give light to his form. His tie relaxed hanging from his neck and the sleeves of his shirt raised as he was holding tightly his left forearm, pressing his fingers on it.

If it wasn't for the damn moon you wouldn't have seen anything, but your eyes fell immediately on the place he was holding.

Your lips quivered and you stood there like a statue looking at him, not being able to move or say a word.

« Y/N, I'm not joking, get the fuck out of here! », he shouted looking at you angrily. You opened your mouth taking a few steps back. Regulus had never raised his voice like that, not to you, not to anyone. You were completely terrified by his tone, his mad expression, and the Dark Mark stained on his arm.

« What the hell Regulus? What is this? », you asked your voice high as you kept shaking your head in disbelief.

« What does it look like to you? », Regulus glared back at you. His face was deformed by pain. Your lips couldn't stop trembling and your eyes brought tears that were streaming like small rivers down to your cheeks. You wished the old Regulus could come to you, hug you tightly, and with his tongue lick the sorrow away.

« Regulus, » you murmured his name sweetly like a prayer. Regulus breathed out and covered his face with his palms. He started to cry as well because he hated being the reason of your tears. If he could cry for both of you and stop those drops from running down your chin, he would.

« Please, get the fuck out of here! », he screamed at you through sobs. Watching him like that made you walk closer. Regulus wouldn't hurt you, not your Reg, not the guy that was putting flowers behind your ear.

You sat right beside him slowly slipping on the floor. Regulus shook his head. He couldn't understand why you weren't leaving.

« Please, leave, » he murmured. Even if you wanted to leave, you couldn't. You were drawn to him like a magnet. You loved him so much, nothing mattered to you. He was in pain, that's all you saw, you wanted to take his hand and kiss it. You wanted to kill anyone who did this to him and caused him that much pain.

« I am not going anywhere, Reg, » you said, voice soft.

« You don't get it, Y/N, » he replied. « I had to do this! » You touched his shoulder and pressed your eyes shut tightly. You were so scared of him, but you loved him too much. If he was going to be your doom, let his shoulder be the last thing you touched. « I had to, » he cried even harder.

« Why? », you asked. You didn't know what else to say. « Because of your parents? » Regulus lightly raised his gaze for you to meet his swollen gloomy eyes. « We made plans, remember? That we were going to get the fuck out of here. »

« And you think he wouldn't find us? », Regulus asked with a bitter smile. You didn't speak back. « Y/N, I didn't do this because of my parents. » He looked away.

« Then? »

« I did this because of you, » he said and bit his lips. « I did this because if I didn't, he said he would hurt you, in ways… you don't even want to imagine. » You gulped and for a moment felt completely vulnerable and exposed.

« Me? Wh-why? »

« Because the only way he could get me, was through you, » his lips quivered for a moment. « Because Y/N, you are the only thing I care about in this life. » More tears ran down your cheeks as you looked at him. You sealed your lips together to get strength. Your arms wrapped around him, holding him tight. For a moment he stayed still, surprised by your reaction, but then he tied his arms around you too, holding you for dear life. « That's why I wrote you this stupid letter, » he said to your ear. « I can't be with you, Y/N, not like that. » His forehead touched yours lightly rubbing his head against yours. You held him on the back of his neck, feeling his curls tangling between your fingers.

« I missed you so much, » you said. He wrinkled his eyebrows pleadingly, the fingers of his left hand wrapping around your wrist to feel your pulse. He was shaking and felt heavy, as if the earth was dragging only him down and no one else. Frozen thumb drew the line of your most prominent vein. He tried to show you how it felt to be with someone like him; someone heavy, and cold, and helpless; someone in pain. But you didn’t care because you were holding his head steady and would never let it fall.

« You're killing me, » Regulus sealed his eyes, shaking his head. He let his fingers slip down. « Please, don't say that. We can't. I can't do this to you. »

« Regulus, listen to me, » you said, lightly lowering your head to look straight into his eyes. His gaze couldn't meet back yours and fell to the floor. « There is nothing that can drive me away from you. » He left a shaky breath slowly raising his stare.

« You don't think I'm a bad person ? »

« All I think is that I love you. »

timothée playing the piano and smiling like an idiot is so timmy

his last letter ༊*·˚

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synopsis: regulus writes you a letter before he goes to the cave

My Dear Y/N,

If you are reading this, it’s too late for me.

I am writing you from my room, at 12, Grimmauld Place. My doom is hanging on my neck like a rope. It’s heavy and unbearable. I can already feel it dragging me down.

That night, that I sneaked out just to meet you, I gave you a promise, that I was going to change, that I was going to be good. You said you loved me either way and nothing mattered to you.

It mattered to me though, because I wanted to be good. I wanted to do the right thing. The time has come to keep my promise and be good. And if the right thing is going to cost my life, then so be it.

Y/N, my dear Y/N, I need you to know that I’ve changed. I need you to know that I did the right thing, that in my last moments on this earth, I was good.

I am writing to you determined to do what I have to. Y/N, my heart, please forgive me.

I wish I never had to write this letter to you, but I know that my road has no return. It’s not just me being pessimistic, no. I can feel that this is not going to end well for me, for us. The earth has prepared a deep and narrow place for me and I can do nothing but get in.

Please forgive me for not meeting you tonight. Forgive my sloppy handwriting. Forgive fate. Forgive Kreacher, the bearer of the bad news, and please don't be mad at him. Forgive me.

If I regret one thing in this life Y/N, is not giving you more kisses, not hugging you tighter, not saying « I love you » every minute of every day.

Light of my eyes, a million hearts wouldn’t be able to carry my love for you. I love you unfathomably, no words can describe it. If only you could jump into my body for only a few seconds, you’d see for yourself. But I would never let you. I love you too much for this. You are everything to me.

You were the first person that made me feel truly loved. I know, my brother loves me too, or at least he tries to. I don’t blame him for taking his distance. After all the things I’ve done, I feel disgusted in my own skin. But you… how could you not be disgusted? How could you not leave me? How could you be there for me? How could you love me? People like me don’t deserve to be loved. I wouldn’t love me... I don’t love me; myself, what I am.

The only times I’ve ever loved myself are the ones spent with you.

You made me feel like I wasn’t as bad as I thought. I had a good side, I wasn’t always as menacing and misanthropic as everyone believed me to be. With you I felt like a person, normal, I wasn’t a burden. You truly did love me and your love made me beautiful. Honestly, I’m still not sure why you loved me like that. But I know you did. I could feel it every day, even in our worst moments.

I need you to know, you are the one and only for me, and you will always be. No matter what happens to me tonight, my soul will always be with you. I will always be yours. You will be my last thought, and my last breath will be your name.

I love you.

I’m afraid that you’ll forget me. Me, and everything we did together, everything we were.

Please, think of me sometimes. But not the bad things; the fightings, the tears, the sadness, the fear… think about the good things.

Do you remember the night after that stupid Ravenclaw party? I was pissed. I could barely walk and, oh Merlin, I was so, so dizzy. You couldn’t stop laughing watching my anarchist side come to the surface, as I was going up and down in front of Dumbledore’s office. I thought it’d be hilarious if we managed to get inside and burn the place to the ground. Well, we didn’t do that, obviously. From walking so fast, I ended up sick, vomiting in front of the gargoyle. I could still listen to your voice, as I was holding my knees, letting my guts out, and your laugh — I love it so much when you laugh. You then walked beside me, pulled my hair back, looked me in the eyes, and kissed me. I was staring at you like an idiot because I was too drunk. You smiled and then hugged me with your warm hands, your smell being the only thing I could sense.

That was the moment I first realized you love me. Who else would kiss the lips of a person that was vomiting only seconds ago?

I’ve never told you, but until now I’ve been thinking of that moment. Why would you be so kind to me? To me, of all the people on this Earth. And how can you love me?

Remember this time I was crying so hard without a reason, and I was just so angry that I was kicking the bathroom door and I was completely out of control? That day was terrible. I was hitting the wall so hard that my fist started to bleed. You had never seen me like that and I knew you were scared of me, but you hugged me tightly and didn’t let me go until I calmed down.

I asked you that day, why didn’t you leave me alone? Why did you have to be there? You said that you loved me so much nothing could drive you away. When you left I cried and didn’t go to class.

I was so confused. But I knew one thing, I wasn’t one hundred percent evil like everyone wanted me to believe.

We had so many dreams and plans that will never come true. I should’ve left this whorehouse when I had the chance. I should’ve left with Sirius. If it wasn’t for my ego... And then, when we were done with school, it was foolish of me to stay at my father’s funeral. We could have been in the countryside now, married, away from everyone. I really wanted to marry you, to spend the rest of my life with you.

I’ll stop thinking about that.

You have no idea how much it hurts knowing that you are reading this letter. It feels like a knife twisting deep into my soul.

Please, Y/N, you have to understand why I did this. I had to. I owed it to everyone. I owed it to myself.

I know it’s very selfish. I left you just so I can live up to the expectations I built for myself.

I am never going to see the day that awakens with you ever again, but I hope the light of the world is bright and gentle to you. I hope the people are good. I hope you smile and laugh every day. I hope you think of me sometimes, just once in a while.

My love, my heart, please don’t do anything crazy. Stay alive, do it for me. Live. I need you to keep going. If you love me, keep going. And please, get out of this place. Go to your friends, to my brother and Remus. I don’t want you to be here. And don’t even think about passing by my house.

I don’t know what else to say. I wish I could write you everything but time is running.

Please, know that I am not scared. I am not scared at all. I want to do this. It’s my decision, probably the only one I’ve ever made.

Don’t forget to burn the letter.

It’s so cold here and I can't stop remembering. My heart has no mercy on me.

I love you forever.

R.A.B.

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recent works: ◦ i prefer it by moonlight, tc ◦ ease the pain, tc ◦ soul kitchen, tc

bones and all (2022) | dir. luca guadagnino

a night on the balcony ༊*·˚

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synopsis: in which you and timothée go to a party during your vocation in venice

You were dancing crazily like you belonged to the music, like the music was a drug that brought you higher and higher until your heads were buzzing with pure joy. You were uncoiling ropes, with eyes on fire, unruly hair, both out of breath, covered in each other’s sweat.

Timothée gave you an impish look and then took your hand, his fingers cheekily wrapping around your palm, as he guided you through a sea of people. You looked down at his hand and then at the mischievous smile marked on his face, that not even your persistent stare was able to erase it. Your eyes fell again, slowly smiling, holding his arm to be closer to him with your free hand.

« Wait, » he pulled your hand to stop you from walking any further. You balanced your back on the wall, Timothée looking at you straight in the eyes with twitching lips that stayed half-opened. He leaned his head down an arm on the wall next to you, his curls tickling your nose. « I'm getting us drinks, » he pressed his nose against yours, your heavy breaths becoming one for a moment.

« Okay, » you gulped, eyes scanning the room around you as Timothée was lost in the crowd.

Timmy and you were on vacation in Venice, away from everyone and everything. You were both having such a great time, feeling invincible with all the freedom you had.

In the past, Timothée couldn’t really have a fun time with his girlfriends without getting captured by the paparazzi in their very personal moments. He didn’t want the same thing to happen to you, so you decided to keep things out of the public eye for as long as you could.

Finally, you found the time to be together out of the spotlight to have some moments only for yourselves in a place far away from home, and do things you wouldn't normally do in New York out of fear of getting caught.

You were going sightseeing, spending countless hours in museums just staring at paintings and statues that were staring back at your souls. You were having late night raids to the cinema that was close to the apartment you rented. One night, DUNE was screening and you begged Timothée to rewatch it on the big screen. Timothée couldn’t stop smiling the whole time, feeling extremely uncomfortable at the view of himself, his face concealed by his cap and his body deeply buried in the seat. You were walking on the cobblestone and on extremely quiet alleys that were either washed with sun or under the light of faint square streetlights, as you were eating gelato, and exchanging your cones. You were meeting with friends at their houses, having dinners, going to clubs together, getting drunk.

That was one of those nights. Your friends knew this couple that was having a party at their house and you were invited to join as well. You had both decided to get dressed, well, in the case of Timothée undress, because he just wore his jacket, torso bare, with the excuse of the weather being “too hot”. You just widened your eyes looking at him and nodded eagerly making him laugh and rub your whole face with his hand playfully.

However, when you got out of the apartment waiting for Tim to lock the door, you quickly realized that he just wanted to show off his abs after all the training for his new film. Even though you were wearing a long dress, your back was exposed and you could feel the chilly breeze hit your spine.

You didn’t have many days left in Italy but you smiled at the thought of your lovely stress-free vacation. You headed to the balcony only to realize that it was actually very narrow and right underneath your feet and the layers of concrete, was running a canal.

As your eyes gazed at the water dancing slowly in harmony, a pair of hands lightly pushed you to the front making you gasp and slightly jump. Timothée quickly turned you with his arms wrapped tightly around your waist and leaned forward to kiss you. You chuckled moving your head to the side for his lips to land on your cheek.

« Got scared? », he laughed. « As if I’d ever let you fall. »

« I didn’t get scared, » you gritted your teeth holding tightly the sides of his face to look at him. He smiled warmly, slowly his gaze moving to the ground and then with a quick move he pecked your lips.

« I got our drinks, » Tim said separating from you, getting them from the inside table where he had placed them. « And Stéphane gave me something, » he fumbled in his pocket finally getting out a joint.

« Ooh, » you grinned taking a seat on the narrow balcony. He chuckled and sat across from you on the railings. « You are going to fall right into that canal and everyone tomorrow will think that I killed Timothée Chalamet, » you said.

« Oh my God, » he shook his head with a smile taking your feet on his lap to remove your heels.

« Sorry, I care, » you widened your eyes lightly tilting your head to the side.

« Sorry, I care, » he tried to imitate your voice making it a little too high-pitched causing you to almost spit your drink. Timothée looked at you with an impish smile, the one he always gave you after doing something incredibly funny - according to him. You lightly kicked him on his belly. He gasped squeezing your legs for revenge but finally brought them close to his mouth to kiss them.

« I hate you, you always make fun of me, » you pouted your lips sadly.

« Oh, come on, » Tim smiled at you. « You can’t stay mad at me. »

« I can try, » you clenched your jaw to stop smiling.

« You can try? », Tim asked playfully, as he let your legs down and sat next to you. He pulled one arm around your shoulder bringing you closer to kiss your forehead, as your lips landed on his chest.

« I’m going to miss this, » you said. Tim’s lips separated and looked down as your fingers followed the line of his jaw, to his neck, to his chest, pulling his jacket to the side. You leaned down to place kisses on top of his soft skin.

« These were the best days of my life, » he pulled your hair out of your face, behind your ears.

« Mine too, » you breathed out getting your drink back and taking another sip.

« It’s fucking ridiculous, » he mumbled after a long pause. « I wish people could just mind their own damn business. I can’t do that, » Tim held your hand intertwining your fingers. « I can’t do that, » he kissed your lips. « Or that, » he moved to your neck.

You took a long breath, your eyes moving up in the night sky at the stars that seemed like gems scattered around the black veil. His hand cupped the left side of your face pulling the hair behind your ear, his thumb moving alongside your jawline, as he kissed you deeply.

You felt his tongue lightly licking your lips making you chuckle against his mouth. He smiled back, as his curls fell on your forehead almost covering your eyes.

He slowly pulled back and finished his drink before leaving his jacket to the side. You were staring at him. You had seen his body so many times, yet you were always looking at his porcelain, sculptured, skin as if you were gazing at a statue of an angel and had to pray.

He took out of his pocket the joint and placed it between his lips while searching for a lighter. You leaned down and took it from his mouth to place it on yours. He glanced at you once and smiled.

« Got it, » Tim said trying to light the joint for you.

You breathed in slowly and then released a cloud out. You smiled rubbing your eyes once and then passing it to him.

« Oh my God, you hear that? », he suddenly widened his eyes slowly moving his head to the beat. Without much thinking, you got his jacket and put it on, his smell slipping onto your body. You could feel the joint working as you pulled your hair out of the jacket, hearing Timothée’s voice in the background singing along to the rhythm. « It’s time to make your mind up, aight // To wake your mind up, aight // Ai-aight, we-we aight, aight // We, we, we ai-aight. »

You chuckled watching Timmy vibing with eyes closed, his shoulders and his head swinging smoothly like air running around trees.

You closed your eyes too.