Something Happened And Im Really Sad And Also Happy.

something happened and im really sad and also happy.

happy chinese new year to all, but YOU GOTTA READ THIS.

for more than a year (3 yrs almost), i’ve done a self diagnosis on myself with spd (sensory processing disorder) and adhd (few others too)

the man took an hour late to arrive but LOL

went to this place and told the man about how i’ve been bullied and what was going on. so i obviously didn’t say i was gay but my mom did bring up how somebody was gay and was bullying me as a gay person (smart man knew i was gay from how I went 😝✌️ along with saying the word “gay” but he didn’t make it obvious until my mom looked away and he smiled and mouthed “yes good im proud for you”).

since i get extremely uncomfortable when they kept talking about my ASD so then i felt like crying cause yk mental health issues + illnesses, etc shit being exposed and almost cried (they never knew bc i never made it obvious but my eyes watered under my hoodie), and yk I felt really really sad than my mood was today.

THEN THE BIG NEWS CAME.

since you never knew i was neurodivergent, i’m gonna let you know.

i didn’t know HALF of what he said because he spoke fast but

i managed to catch half (idk if half atp cause he got LOADS of diagnosis for me but it was too much and he spoke really really fast)

HE WAS FRIENDLY BUT

i FUCKING KNEW. that the spd was right. I WASNT SURE BUT HE SAID I HAVE IT. YESSS A REAL DIAGNOSIS.

he said im diagnosed with asd, adhd, spd (sensory processing disorder), tics (not like tourettes but he did say something WILL cause me to tic but it’s only anxiety that will cause it a few times but if it gets worse, i must tell him) + my anxiety will cause me to tic (like shivering and form different tics but its not like tourettes that people ACTUALLY have).

he also said my auditory sensory processing disorder as well (+ with sensory processing too), he said i had something sensitivity (idk what it was because he spoke REALLY fast) but i think he said sensory or sensitivity disorder (if you knew what it’s called, PLEASE lemme know).

stuttering disorder + high functioning on asd + low functioning on adhd (lemme know if functioning is out of date or not) and some other stuff.

BUT I GOT AN OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS GUYSSSSS

i’ve tried to find the “congratulations on the neurodivergency cake” but I found this.

congratulations to me on my further neurodivergent diagnosis :))

throwback to when i used to date alot of men and called a slut but at that same time, i fell in love w girls for the first time and ppl started calling me rude names lmfao

remembering when i had my first date and i dumped him cause he wasn’t interested and my female friend came and i fell for her too

then my “boyfriend” liked my female friend and i felt annoyed cause i fell in love w her but didn’t realise my queer “signs” from that memory. i really wanted to be w her and to date her but i felt fucking nervous.

remembering when i had a second date and i absolutely hated when men had a crush on me especially when he had a gf and went “oh youre (mean comment)”

i would force myself to have a crush on men and even if they LIKED me, i NEVER felt the same cause trauma experiences and reasons (mostly into girls that time)

the way i fell in love w (a) girl(s) bf and then i felt disgusting afterwards because i didn’t like men that much.. then I ended up catching STRONG feelings for her TOO BUT MORE than that BOY.

then caught feelings for all my female friends. ALL of them.

then my family wanna have audacity to say i’m lying and that i owe them alot of things w being gay and queer and coming out and that if i didn’t come out, they’d force me out there themselves.

my god my comphet was showingg. i’m suprised how i am gay my whole childhood but never realised. i’m so disgusting oh my my myyy😹 /neg

(tone tags pls)

ok y’all, i got told to rot in hell cause i was gay, had alot of homophobia today and outed the number of times and ppl being weird about it. just people pretending to be gay when they aren’t.

yeahh..

🫡

goodbye 2022, hi 2023 🎉

i need to rant and please don’t ignore all my posts, please pay attention to them.

warning : // homophobia, bullying, r4p3, assault, and a few things.

1), i feel like people don’t understand that i have a hard time liking men and being w men. when i say, i can’t get used to it, they think it’s a joke. they think i’m “joking” when i say, i cannot feel comfortable around them. every time i always think they’re gonna hurt me or beat me up.

2), i also feel like no one is listening to me. i can’t feel attracted to men. i can’t imagine myself having a boyfriend. i can’t picture myself being friends with them. i can’t do ONE thing without thinking negatively. i know not all men are like this and i am NOT generalising them either, it’s just that since i’m severely bullied by most of them, i get really scared thinking they’ll hurt me.

3), due to issues, i don’t understand the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. i know this is stupid but im really confused and i have hard times understanding stuff so im just really ugh. i am sure i identify as aroace bc i just don’t like the attraction and it feels disgusting to me.

4), when boys have a crush on me, i get a ick really quick. when most boys would go up to me and say they got a “crush” on me, i fr cant tell if they’re being fr or lying. most of them don’t even say they’re serious but next thing I know, they talk shit and say horrid things about me. and most of that counts as s3xųal bullying (?) cause they harass me everywhere, hurt me, give me bruises, etc. this is why i cannot imagine myself w a man. i’m frightened.

5), when they act all sweet or when i reject them. if one comes up to me and i say no. they get all angry and start saying “you’re so [remark on how i look]” or “i never liked you anyway [horrid name]”. most of them call me that cause apparently i identify as neurodivergent. even worse. they knew about it somehow???”

6), i HATE how i can’t be w men. i get sometimes board when i only like girls and wish I can ditch labels but I don’t FEEL like that. yesterday, I went hotel and saw this white boy who was attractive. lesbians can find men attractive without wanting to date them right? you know when the realisation hits you cause you can’t feel like that cause that isn’t who you are.

7). i want male validation ofc but i identify as sapphic cause i only like women. but how to become friends w a man without having to feel like you wanna date him but that’s truly how you don’t feel? yeah. pain. comphet is getting my ass 😹

8). i am currently planning to stay single forever. i literally cannot handle myself being scared w men. what happened to me? i used to feel so comfortable w them but the bullying... 😕 + i’ve seen how women get abused and rap3d which scares me even worse. i’ve been sexually touched before by a man and at that same night, i dreamed of being rap3d. for no reason. deadass.

so when that my irls be saying, “you turned yourself gay”, “your fault”, la la la, it ain’t my fault. fuck them and tell them to fix up.

but end of my rant, thank you for listening to all that racket 😹 .

the v app just shut down today #kpop