Haoaibai - Tumblr Blog

story time today:

i was in my class and i got into a fight w my bullies and he threw his bag in my face (thank god i dodged cause my face would've been damaged), and i threw it back and got into deep trouble, and wasn’t allowed in the class.

this random teacher tells me she knows some kids with adhd, autism, etc and she goes ahead telling me, “why do you wear those ear defenders?” and i told her, “i’m autistic”, and she says in this manner, “you can’t keep wearing them. get use to the noise or i will make mom take them” okay so what if i start screaming and crying because noises get too loud leading to sensory overload, and can’t handle anything, i wouldn’t have anything to help me cause you took them all away?? and she goes ahead stereotyping me, using outdated terms, and she claims she knows autism yet i had to educate her on EVERYTHING. “oh you can’t wear those cause students will get mad” ok fuck them

“are you that autistic?”

“don’t bring toys”

“just stop making yourself look stupid. I’ll just tell mom to make you stop using them”

like how she gonna get mad or listen to you when she clearly got my diagnosis, be so for real women..

hi people of tumblr, any recommendations for stim toys? you may have seen my previous post a month ago about them but those were from somewhere else and because of how we got into a fight and they were mean, they took it away.

help an autistic adhd person out please.

what type of stim toys do i need to make sure that everything’s okay and doesn’t go wrong?

oh yes

i was in class today (i am a highschler and i work alot as well), and since everybody was talking too loud, i carried a pair of ear things for my sensory to carry with me because i was getting a bit stimulated meanwhile masking my neurodivergency (my adhd, autism, everything even my dyscalculia bc i cant do math), and i got irritated and i finished my juice box and put it in the bin while having them on.

NOW TELL ME, why is the WHOLE class staring at me?? and some girl shouted out, “GUYS SHES AUTISTIC?? LOOK AT HOW SHE WEARS THAT” and the “look what shes wearing. are you autistic?” literally the whole fucking class looked at me and called me retarded and the teachers did NOTHING TO HELP ME.

then the fact that she has neurodivergent issues of her own too and she fucking said that.

now how is this fair. theres ppl in my schl, same year, who had adhd + autism + sensories + stim toys + dyslexic ppl, etc and they’re praised (most of them are white and some are black) but me, as a child (whos mainly mix but shows black to others), im the one targeted???

but if i was the one to scream due to overwhelming feelings and had everyone laugh at me, I’d get into trouble.

never bringing my stim toys + earphones + etc AGAIN. idgaf ill suffer.

nice to know that everybody suddenly knows you’re “autistic” over some “headphones” 😹

now i have to mask my neurodivergency the whole day tomorrow.

guess who got outed when their birthday is just a few hours from now 😹

50000 likes!

YESSSSSS I HIT THAT MILSTONE AYYYEEEEE

the one time i wanna have an animal crossing theme for my birthday, i had to be told off and wont be getting it cause it’s too “childish” 😨

cw rant. cw parents, bullying & ableism (?)

since my birthday is a few days away now, i told my mom that i wanted an animal crossing birthday party and a cake and even if she didn’t order the cake, I’ll just have the cake toppers and stick it on my cake. either way is okay.

she goes ahead and asks me why i didn’t tell her sooner but what she doesn’t understand is that, we were ordering a limo to come to my house and go fun places and have the BEST time EVER, so that when I grow older in the future, I can remember all that and to live the best life. on top of that, we were buying a cake, party stuff, balloons, crowns, etc and stuff were OUT of stock and that I didn’t wanna ask and they didn’t see. I DID see a cake that had Tom nook a day ago but when I confirmed the order, it went out of stock FAST. that’s what I said and the MAIN reason why I couldn’t say.

she has the audacity to bring up my neurodivergency and goes “no wonder you’re not normal!” towards me knowing that i struggle with things. and then she goes “can’t you see thats for babies? you’re so old for that anyway..” and I told her, “but it’s my fixation game? getting a cake will just make it better because I’ll be really happy.” and she says, “you’re a fucking grown bitch. you’re not a kid anymore, youre a teen thats working, stop being childish. youre too fucking young for that. pick something else!!!” and then storming out the room.

i just feel really bad because when i was younger, when I played mario kart for the switch, isabelle was the first character that made me addicted to playing as her in the mario kart game and then, when I discovered SSB (smash bros for the 3ds and switch), I became obsessed with both male and female villager. so since they introduced me to animal crossing, that’s when I thought of getting a cake of them so that I can remind myself that nothing can stop me from loving the characters and the game.

SHE LITERALLY BROUGHT ME THE GAME. she KNOWS that I cannot HELP watching it ALL the time. she knows that i like Tom nook and wants his birthday balloon to carry to my work place with party bags but loads of people hate me for being different and neurodivergent. nobody really likes me. expect 2 people. so therefore I can’t do shit about it. I didn’t wanna be seen as the “weird autistic person who likes childish stuff”. but she makes me feel like that.

now I have to do my birthday without it for the last time, and then get it for my next birthday that’ll be next year in 12-13 months since it’s in February.

I just feel so bad and mad at myself for asking cause she brought up how autistic i am. and because she always gets angry for stuff I cannot control nor the amount of stuff I get told. nor my health issues and totally shutting down and lashing out on everyone when mad.

she gaslights me alot also. and is severely negative to me. so now I have to do my birthday without it and have a normal birthday in order to avoid being “weird” or seen as “not normal” and “stupid” and “socially acceptable.”

And she told me to stop watching those characters because they don’t “matter”. like alright i get that im retarded and a weirdo. no need to make me feel dread about it.

i feel overwhelmed. tell me if i should do this.

i’ve thought alot about masking my neurodivergency. i’m often called the r word because of it so i’m just gonna mask my symptoms and try to appear normal so that people accept me.

but then, the person who supports me is always with me due to my illness so what can i do 😹 everyone’s gonna know and see it anyway.

i don’t care if i have a meltdown. i just wanna appear normal 😹

also hiding my gay identity since everyone knows now due to that ONE person.

something happened and im really sad and also happy.

happy chinese new year to all, but YOU GOTTA READ THIS.

for more than a year (3 yrs almost), i’ve done a self diagnosis on myself with spd (sensory processing disorder) and adhd (few others too)

the man took an hour late to arrive but LOL

went to this place and told the man about how i’ve been bullied and what was going on. so i obviously didn’t say i was gay but my mom did bring up how somebody was gay and was bullying me as a gay person (smart man knew i was gay from how I went 😝✌️ along with saying the word “gay” but he didn’t make it obvious until my mom looked away and he smiled and mouthed “yes good im proud for you”).

since i get extremely uncomfortable when they kept talking about my ASD so then i felt like crying cause yk mental health issues + illnesses, etc shit being exposed and almost cried (they never knew bc i never made it obvious but my eyes watered under my hoodie), and yk I felt really really sad than my mood was today.

THEN THE BIG NEWS CAME.

since you never knew i was neurodivergent, i’m gonna let you know.

i didn’t know HALF of what he said because he spoke fast but

i managed to catch half (idk if half atp cause he got LOADS of diagnosis for me but it was too much and he spoke really really fast)

HE WAS FRIENDLY BUT

i FUCKING KNEW. that the spd was right. I WASNT SURE BUT HE SAID I HAVE IT. YESSS A REAL DIAGNOSIS.

he said im diagnosed with asd, adhd, spd (sensory processing disorder), tics (not like tourettes but he did say something WILL cause me to tic but it’s only anxiety that will cause it a few times but if it gets worse, i must tell him) + my anxiety will cause me to tic (like shivering and form different tics but its not like tourettes that people ACTUALLY have).

he also said my auditory sensory processing disorder as well (+ with sensory processing too), he said i had something sensitivity (idk what it was because he spoke REALLY fast) but i think he said sensory or sensitivity disorder (if you knew what it’s called, PLEASE lemme know).

stuttering disorder + high functioning on asd + low functioning on adhd (lemme know if functioning is out of date or not) and some other stuff.

BUT I GOT AN OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS GUYSSSSS

i’ve tried to find the “congratulations on the neurodivergency cake” but I found this.

congratulations to me on my further neurodivergent diagnosis :))

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEARRR 🎆🎉🧧🫶🐰

ok y’all, i got told to rot in hell cause i was gay, had alot of homophobia today and outed the number of times and ppl being weird about it. just people pretending to be gay when they aren’t.

yeahh..

🫡

okay y’all, my fake friends outed me twice to a teacher at work

basically where i work, there’s teachers who teach kids and there’s one who checks on me each time even though i don’t like her but mostly i do shifts at night so age difference

they outed me and said “oh she’s gay” and so the teacher went “oh she’s gay? wow” and someone went, “oh hell nah.. that’s very..” when they asked me if it was true. they started acting weird by saying they liked girls when they were straight, a STRAIGHT girl and then i asked, “why tryna act like you’re gay when you aren’t?” and they went “oh but hell no thats horrid”

so basically got outed to teachers and 3 different people

mmmhhh okay brothers🫡 this is enough for me today

i got outed by my “friends” to others that im gay now ppl are being weird about it and they’re “disappointed”

🫡

NO WAY TEAM SWEET WON??? THATS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE HOW

gonna listen to more lgbtq songs on my way to work <3

lately i’ve been listening to lesbian | sapphic music and I certainly feel like it suits me and my sexuality. i’ve been identifying as lesbian for a while and i’ve discovered a girl called hayley kiyoko and she’s a queer icon according to society and fans and girl in red, fletcher, etc queer artists and lil nas x, and i became obsessed w her and her music and im sure i AM a lesbian bc like i listen to gay songs like girls in bikinis, girls girls girls, i wish you liked girls, i wanna be your girlfriend, and im just so happy that i found my people <3 💓

question: if i choose to identify as a sapphic, and taking my time to understand my struggles with saying the word lesbian due to comphet (crushes also), bullied, sexualised, etc that happened to the word and myself, can i still claim the lesbian flag? (because all lesbians are sapphics but not all sapphics are lesbians) and I only chose to identify this way is because im trying to feel comfortable with the word and then once i do, then yeah). but do sapphics join the lesbian community since they got attraction to women just like lesbians do (you can’t identify as both ik) ? or do i just, stick to the sapphic community instead?

i have to work tmrw and i had a crush on this girl for like a little while now and it’s just so heartbreaking cause i got multiple crushes on the girls who are friends with me and the ones who i wanna become friends with. it’s so much funnier cause she is dating men right now and she likes/loves me and is in love, but if i ever said i liked her, there’s a 50% chance of her being my girlfriend, 50% of her not being my girlfriend and another 1% chance of the other girls who i have a “crush” on liking me cause one is dating a guy right now and i just know once i let her know, she gonna bully me and reject me 😝 /s (the other girl, not the 1st one)

i feel so shit rn. remember the girl i had a crush on but i crushed on her man by accident but fell in love w her instead? there’s two other girls i met at lunch in december last year before christmas and she said she is bi and had an “ex girlfriend”. i told her i was attracted to girls since she asked and she went, “mmh, that’s really cute!! aww” and her and her little friend was acting so nice and sweet yesterday and then out of NOWHERE today, i literally ran to them to say hi and they ran away from me?? i waved hi and they gave me looks and walked away rudely. maybe they were in a bad mood but there’s way more. i went up to them and said “hey” and they got angry and left. i don’t know what i’ve done?? i never did anything to her and there’s this queer boy in my place who keeps being jealous and spreading rumours about me, apparently he heard i kissed a girl and literally nobody is talking to me?? no one wants to be my friend. everyone's making fun of me cause they’re assuming I am “disabled” but, then, they all kept gossiping and whispering to each other each time i walk past. i don’t know what that mf said but every time i walk past, it’s always something. I don’t know what he said yesterday but no one talks to me. like wtf??? he’s jealous extremely but... i’ve heard he’s making fun of me for having same sex attraction when he is GAY and have attraction to men aka SAME. SEX. like?? wtf bruh?? i am going to try talk to the girls on monday and if they keep ignoring me then im just gonna stfu with it.

goodbye 2022, hi 2023 🎉

the v app just shut down today #kpop

i need to rant and please don’t ignore all my posts, please pay attention to them.

warning : // homophobia, bullying, r4p3, assault, and a few things.

1), i feel like people don’t understand that i have a hard time liking men and being w men. when i say, i can’t get used to it, they think it’s a joke. they think i’m “joking” when i say, i cannot feel comfortable around them. every time i always think they’re gonna hurt me or beat me up.

2), i also feel like no one is listening to me. i can’t feel attracted to men. i can’t imagine myself having a boyfriend. i can’t picture myself being friends with them. i can’t do ONE thing without thinking negatively. i know not all men are like this and i am NOT generalising them either, it’s just that since i’m severely bullied by most of them, i get really scared thinking they’ll hurt me.

3), due to issues, i don’t understand the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. i know this is stupid but im really confused and i have hard times understanding stuff so im just really ugh. i am sure i identify as aroace bc i just don’t like the attraction and it feels disgusting to me.

4), when boys have a crush on me, i get a ick really quick. when most boys would go up to me and say they got a “crush” on me, i fr cant tell if they’re being fr or lying. most of them don’t even say they’re serious but next thing I know, they talk shit and say horrid things about me. and most of that counts as s3xųal bullying (?) cause they harass me everywhere, hurt me, give me bruises, etc. this is why i cannot imagine myself w a man. i’m frightened.

5), when they act all sweet or when i reject them. if one comes up to me and i say no. they get all angry and start saying “you’re so [remark on how i look]” or “i never liked you anyway [horrid name]”. most of them call me that cause apparently i identify as neurodivergent. even worse. they knew about it somehow???”

6), i HATE how i can’t be w men. i get sometimes board when i only like girls and wish I can ditch labels but I don’t FEEL like that. yesterday, I went hotel and saw this white boy who was attractive. lesbians can find men attractive without wanting to date them right? you know when the realisation hits you cause you can’t feel like that cause that isn’t who you are.

7). i want male validation ofc but i identify as sapphic cause i only like women. but how to become friends w a man without having to feel like you wanna date him but that’s truly how you don’t feel? yeah. pain. comphet is getting my ass 😹

8). i am currently planning to stay single forever. i literally cannot handle myself being scared w men. what happened to me? i used to feel so comfortable w them but the bullying... 😕 + i’ve seen how women get abused and rap3d which scares me even worse. i’ve been sexually touched before by a man and at that same night, i dreamed of being rap3d. for no reason. deadass.

so when that my irls be saying, “you turned yourself gay”, “your fault”, la la la, it ain’t my fault. fuck them and tell them to fix up.

but end of my rant, thank you for listening to all that racket 😹 .

throwback to when i used to date alot of men and called a slut but at that same time, i fell in love w girls for the first time and ppl started calling me rude names lmfao

remembering when i had my first date and i dumped him cause he wasn’t interested and my female friend came and i fell for her too

then my “boyfriend” liked my female friend and i felt annoyed cause i fell in love w her but didn’t realise my queer “signs” from that memory. i really wanted to be w her and to date her but i felt fucking nervous.

remembering when i had a second date and i absolutely hated when men had a crush on me especially when he had a gf and went “oh youre (mean comment)”

i would force myself to have a crush on men and even if they LIKED me, i NEVER felt the same cause trauma experiences and reasons (mostly into girls that time)

the way i fell in love w (a) girl(s) bf and then i felt disgusting afterwards because i didn’t like men that much.. then I ended up catching STRONG feelings for her TOO BUT MORE than that BOY.

then caught feelings for all my female friends. ALL of them.

then my family wanna have audacity to say i’m lying and that i owe them alot of things w being gay and queer and coming out and that if i didn’t come out, they’d force me out there themselves.

my god my comphet was showingg. i’m suprised how i am gay my whole childhood but never realised. i’m so disgusting oh my my myyy😹 /neg

(tone tags pls)