I Keep Having This Really Particular Feeling. Its The Most Disorienting Feeling I Have Ever Accessed

I keep having this really particular feeling. It’s the most disorienting feeling I have ever accessed in myself. It happened when I was a kid whenever I contemplated the existence of god or tried to process how the world was made. things that are incomprehensible to the human brain, much too vast and complicated for us to cover in one lifetime. but this one is particularly odd, because it isn’t so much a feeling, but a memory. I am in the middle of doing something, and I get this weird sort of glitch within my mind. “Haven’t you been here before?” My inner self asks. I don’t have a definite answer for her. I want to say no, but I just witnessed this moment in my mind. I swear I have been here before, many times. Maybe I’ve never not been here.

“all dreams have meaning”

yeah well I spent ten hours dreaming about gay sex so what does that mean

When the girl asked me why I did not believe in God, I told her about my sorrow. I made her sense the sting of the loneliness that still lingers after years. I told her about the night I came so close to death that it took me months to come back into life. I said to the girl, “Would God do these things to me? Why didn’t he help me?” The girl looked at me blankly. “You’re still here, aren’t you? Whose hands lifted you up from death that night?” I walked home alone and slept easily that night. The girl may have been an angel, I have never been sure.

I really want someone to love me in an equally reciprocated way to my love. I’m not even talking about exclusively romantic love. I just want someone who truly puts as much into me as I do into them. I feel like I’ve always put more into relationships and cared more and loved more, whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship. What I really want is to feel that I can stop reminding myself to breathe. I want to be around someone where I know that they love me and that I don’t have to keep earning and fighting for their love. I want someone who is interested in me and wants to understand me and reaches out to me, I don’t want to be the only one doing those things. I’m praying for that love to reach me, even in a dream.

my favorite form of intimacy is the Secret Glance. you know, the one when your lover is involved in another task, yet you can’t help but stare at them. Or, alternatively, the one where you and your lover are in a crowded room full of people, and you hold each other’s gaze. I’m a sucker for those.

As I stared out of my window, I felt the well of tears building behind my eyes. There were really people who were alive. They had real skin, they walked in the sun, they talked to people who returned the gesture to them. I feel alienated by the view, and the light on my face becomes too painful to bear. The laughter of those just outside the window taunts me in my dreams. I, who have never been a person. I, who have always been a ghost. My skin has never once been kissed by the sun, and with that, who would choose to kiss it? There is no one who exchanges words with me. It is much too difficult to make conversation with a ghost, someone who is not really there. When they look at me, they see something that does not belong in this realm. When I look at them, I reciprocate that sentiment.