Something I Always Wanted To Say...

Something I always wanted to say...

...the letters of my name do not carry my story. Your simple ability to pronounce it does not give you automatic knowledge about the details of my life. You have your preconceived notions and that's fine. You have your opinion which everyone is entitled to. What you don't have are the authenticated attributes which comprise who I am. So don't you dare utter those letters of my name alongside a statement you believe to be true when you in no way have any idea who I am

...I just never had the time or the balls.

You never know what you have until you lose it.

I always knew what I had, I just never thought I'd lose it.

-N

Double edged reality.

I love when I wake up scared and panicked only to realize it was just a nightmare. My monsters vanish and I'm wrapped in the comfort of reality.

I hate when I wake up happy and accomplished only to realize it was just a dream. My failures are there waiting and I'm greeted by the emptiness of my reality.

Unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality. Nay it is deity. - Emily Dickinson

When I was younger I watched helplessly as you slipped away. And from then on I promised never to love what can be touched by death. So I barricaded my heart deep down inside for the fear that those encased in my love would die taking a piece of me with them.

My soul lay motionless and my affection left untouched as my heart became content with living in the confines of my solitude. My mind perpetuated the very notion that love is too precious to invest in what can fade away or worse yet someone who can be torn from my existence.

Each step toward your grave was another reminder of the repressed anger which remained when God decided to pluck you out of my life. I ruminated over the unfulfilled promises, the milestones celebrated alone and the afternoons devoid of your beautiful songs. Each thought was marred with anger and abandonment. And just as the clouds cleared and made way for the sun my anger ceased to exist. It drifted hazily away from my heart revealing the memories left undeterred. Indeed a part of me has gone now that you are no longer a physical presence in my life. With hope for the future comes the probability of disappointment. You can never make plans and account for all the mysterious workings of life. Death does strike. What matters is what you remember in the days preceding the tragic event.

And I know now that that is what I should be focused on. Not the fact that you're not here but that you were once alive and I was blessed to receive a part of your heart in exchange for a piece of mine. Yes you took a part of my heart with you but where that spot was to remain empty lies a piece of yours forever fused with mine.

Love never dies. It lives forever in the continual beat of hearts which once shared a perfect melody with another.

Every step away from your grave reminded me that I am blessed with your love I carry with me. This love is a gift I can now give to another, keeping both mine and your love alive.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

--e.e cummings

Things get worse. You've just matured enough to deal with it.

N

They say you never know what you have till you lose it You promise your girl something you better do it You can't tell a woman you love her are you stupid Words don't express your love you got to prove it

Joe (Where You At)