Me: Im So Motivated. Im Gonna Do This. I Will Achieve Everything

me: i’m so motivated. i’m gonna do this. i will achieve everything

me, a second later: you know my bed is actually just…. better

Damn. I haven't written or even thought about writing ever since I came here. Maybe it's time I sat down and......write.

My wish for every writer in 2018 is that you all finish every WIP you got lingering around.

May your words flow freely, may your characters come alive and may everyone love your finished story when they read it.

The slipperiest slope of them all

Is the slope of “knowing you’re going down a slippery slope but can’t bring yourself to care”.

Night

Childhood is when night is freeing, because it's when you can sneak out to do the things you wanna do.

(Let's raid the fridge for chocolate! Play some late night computer games. Hey look, ice cream! As long as I don't wake my parents, I'm good)

Adulthood is when night is a prison, because it's when you can't bring yourself to walk out to do the things you wanna do.

(Gosh, it's dark out. I shouldn't head there, the road there is pretty deserted at this time of night. There aren't streetlights on the way to this other place, so maybe not either.)

For someone who flew halfway across the world to run away from it

I’d feel like a hypocrite advocating for mental health issues. If I were truly concerned about it, I should start with the one back home first, not try in vain to ignore its existence. But I did not, and I still do not, and so I stay silent. Even when it pains me so whenever I see mental health issues being taken lightly and brushed aside like wisps of smoke.

The Thing TM

Which you would get if you read the tags in the last post. Otherwise, scram, this is just a young adult finding somewhere to confide in. None of your business.

You’re still here? Of course you are. Curiosity killed the cat, but at least the cat died satisfied. Maybe. Idk. I’m just rambling. Having said that, strap in, because this is gonna be an interesting ride.

I think I started developing crushes at the age of 13. Crushes, infatuation, obsession, friend crush (look it up on Urban Dictionary), what have you. And honestly, as a growing, hormone-fueled teenager, I don’t think I ever found out the difference between all that. Hell, even now I’m still stumbling and bumbling, and I’m technically not a teenager anymore (time and tide can’t convince me to grow up on the inside if I don’t wanna).

The thing about my......infatuations -- to use the most accurate term -- was that I move on fast. You know the kids who liked the same guy all throughout high school or whatnot? Yeah, so not me. Some were fleeting, lasted maybe a month or two. The longest was probably half a year or so. Not the most loyal there, but hey, I had no obligations to be. I ain’t committed to anything.

Second thing you should know about me though, and this may be a little different in tone from the rest of this text, is that I personally believe my “loving mechanism”, as I called it for laziness to find a better word, is, at best, defective. It’s a funny notion, really, seeing as I have no problem feeling compassion, no problem sympathising and/or empathising, no problem acting and almost feeling human. But yeah, I think I really only started healing and learning to love, to start putting my heart into emotions, around the age of, maybe 16? And I assure you, it was not a steep incline. It was a leisurely stroll up a vaguely ascending slope, so to reach the end I still have some ways to go.

Sometimes, it gets tiring to feel and to love, y’know? And you know how a lot of love songs and whatnot like to sing about preferring to love than feel nothing at all (looking at you, Need You Now by Lady Antebellum)? Yeah, again, not me. I very much rather move on.

If there’s one thing I’m good at, though, it’s hurting. I’ve gotten very good at feeling it, dealing with it and moving on, in the two decades of my existence. Scarily good.

(Sometimes, I think I don’t move on not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to stop basking in the familiarity of hurt. For that brief masochistic moment, I feel.)

Great, now that we’ve gotten the dark bit out of the way, let’s get to the gossipy bit! So I’ve just broken off a relationship last month, and while I’ve moved on, I’m still a little hung up over it, and it is precisely because of how fked up my emotions and shit work.

Long story short, I was dating this guy who......while an okay guy, really is not my type, and definitely does not share similar ideologies with me. (Oh god, it feels so good to be able to be so blatantly honest here. There is literally zero person I can be completely, unbiasedly honest to about this at the moment, and it’s just sad. But I digress.) I was foolish (at the age of 19, hah! This is precisely why age shouldn’t be an indicator of maturity) and maybe a little too desperate in wanting a relationship at that time, more than I’d like to admit.

(My best friend saw right through it, y’know. She’s always been wise, in her own, sweet, naive and 100% not innocent way.)

I’m not proud of it. But in many ways, it is part of the reason why I still feel so hooked up over the relationship, even though at the moment we are in that awkward breakup stage of awkward avoidance, the one I’d dreaded, and I’d rather just forget any of this happened. I don’t want to think about it, but it is a constant feather sitting on my conscience. Not heavy enough to weigh it down, but with just enough substance to constantly remind me it exists and thus, annoy me to no end.

But now I have a different -- though admittedly a lot more lighthearted and happier -- problem to deal with. So there’s this guy (again, why does it always start with this sentence lmao). I’ve spent a good chunk of summer with him, bonding over kitchen times, Brooklyn 99, Last Week Tonight and mutual paper-thin tolerance for our then-flatmates’ less than satisfactory cleanliness with regards to the communal areas. (Also an almost unbelievable amount of cuddling and meme sharing (on my part), but eh that was much much later so it probably contributed less.) He is adorable (sometimes almost unbearably so) and just the right combination of all the things that always left me excited for him to come back from work every evening (my moron of a subconscious does not relinquish the opportunity to tease me about it, especially whenever I take it upon myself to prepare him dinner before he gets back). Suffice to say, like clockwork, I’ve developed a crush......again.

The only difference is, this time, it is a crush that happens after an actual, honest-to-god relationship. It may not have been one that worked out (well), but it was one nonetheless, and I did enjoy it while it lasted. Which meant I have essentially gotten the longing of a relationship out of my system, and can finally look at this through a slightly more objective lens.

So I also know for a fact that I am in no way ready for, and neither do I want, a relationship. Not at the moment, and not for the foreseeable future.

Don’t get it wrong; this is not me shutting off the whole relationship thing. This is me finally recognising when I am not actually ready to commit to something this big. I don’t want it to end in hurt again. I can deal with it. But him......I don’t want to hurt someone else again.

There is another question, one that bugs me a little less than it should. I have had, in the past, one occasion where I have developed a crush that, to this day, leaves me very confused as to the nature behind it. While I do not deny the possibility that I may be bi, I think the more likely scenario is that I am straight (not as much as a rod, but still within the line, at least), but developed a kind of friend crush/crush combo on this one friend of mine (this was as I was getting to know her). Which then leads me to question what I feel for this current friend crush/crush of mine.

So where does that leave me? Very Confused And Also Very Don’t Give A Damn, that’s where. I’ve been developing a laxer and laxer attitude to this over the years, an attitude of just go with the flow, because in a way, I’ve come to recognise that my crushing tendencies are like the tide; it comes and it goes, and I have literally zero control over it. In fact, to try to control it only makes things worse.

So yeah, guess that just leaves me with venting on Tumblr, because what better place to howl my heart out and finally achieve inner peace? ;)

Till the next time, I guess.