TW: Mentions Of Self Harm

TW: mentions of self harm

Purging Through Poetry

I haven’t felt like this in a while

I haven’t craved that pain in an even longer time

Never before have i yearned to carve out all of the pain and leave it behind so strongly

The usual coping mechanisms didn’t help, no matter how unhealthy they were

The distractions could barely divert my attention from the deeply intruding thoughts

The less harmful substitutes barely grazed the surface of what needed release

In times like this i feel self conscious asking for help

My anxiety just throws fuel into the flame

Or does the flame just fuel my anxiety

Every time I’d pull out my phone, a small voice in my head would dial my best friend’s number

When every other voice in my head reached out and turned off my phone

Scolding me for thinking that anyone could be anything but disappointed in me

In times like this I can never bring myself to put feelings on paper

My finger tips are weighed down by my true feelings and dark thoughts

Three days later i finally have enough energy to purge all of my feelings out onto the paper

Three days later I can finally bring myself to relive the pain only for the sake of releasing it

Releasing it in one of the few healthy ways I know

growing pains

It may be familiar but I hate it

18 years of childhood spent there

Down the street from the elementary school my siblings and I went to

Its where I learned to drive

Where I navigated the torture of adolescence

It is an uncomfortable familiar, uncomfortably emotionally historic

It is no longer home

I don’t know if it was ever truly “home”

Its kind of just where I was born

Its the home that was given to me, made for me

I wasn’t even a person I recognized as me when I was there

I left “her” back there when I left, that was “her” home

Love songs make me depressed, exhausted of waiting to understand them

They remind me of such a pivotal foundation of human experience I have yet to discover

The isolation increasingly frequently nipping at my heels as I grow older

“Maybe I’m not meant to understand”

Good music is good music, I could never give it up

getting lost in the words of eloquent songwriters, an epic train wreck of all hyperactive anxious freight trains of thought

letting the base vibrate through my skull and down through my heart, reminding me of the human nature at the core of my being

melody flowing through my limbs, it feels like what I imagine falling in love feels like

Nahhh they were a dumbass I’m gonna write scathing shit about them and they can read that shit in front of me and know my true opinion on them.

Well yknow I love writing silly lil poems and shit about the people in my life but the fear of someone I don’t know that well finding out a poem I wrote is about them is incredibly fucking strong. Like haha totally didn’t write a sad lil poem about learning to allow myself to fall in love with you before I actually went out with you.

I was never sure about you

From the beginning I couldn’t read you

I had a sinking feeling nestling deep in my chest that you might ruin me

Slowly as I found out what makes you tick

The more I make you laugh, brighten your day, learn about you

It’s addicting

Knowing that deep in me, I could get lost in you

Well yknow I love writing silly lil poems and shit about the people in my life but the fear of someone I don’t know that well finding out a poem I wrote is about them is incredibly fucking strong. Like haha totally didn’t write a sad lil poem about learning to allow myself to fall in love with you before I actually went out with you.