Tw Self Destructive Behavior - Tumblr Posts
I think I'm gonna get into science
(cut myself and sprinkle in caffeine powder to see if the effects are faster)
Tw: sh
Someone tell me how to survive without destroying myself?
I seem to only live through the pain I inflict on myself.
Tw: sh and suicide
My cuts from my last relapse are getting infected and there is pus and the skin is all red and inflamed and it hurts and I am so tired and just want to end it all...
It would be so easy to just take something and get it all over with...
Tw: sh
Strong urge to cut open my lip. Also the rest of my skin, but mostly just my lip. I also want to sew myself back together after I rip myself apart. Like, literally.
I am so confused?
Tw: sh and suicide
I'm gonna fucking cry. I am so sad and lonely and alone and hormonal.
I don't want to exist anymoreeeee.
I miss feeling whole. I miss sleeping. I miss everything.
Why do I feel so empty? Why do I need to cut myself open to feel whole? Why? WHYY?
Tw: sh
Sudden urge to cut myself open...
Blade beside me I'm just side eying it...
I want to feel anything else than this...
Ahhhhhhhhh!!!
Tw: sh
I want to swallow the glass splinters that I am using for art right now. I want to to feel it cut open my throat and fill it with blood.
It just looks so crunchy. So tasty. Just made to be eaten. Just a tiny piece won't hurt, right?
Tw: sh
If I could, I'd cut out all the bad and rotten parts of my body.
But it seems to me like there is nothing left to safe.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
I need someone, anyone, to love me.
Being unlovable hurts.
It's the pain of knowing that noone can ever love me the way I love them.
To love the way I do is to burn and scratch open my skin just to try and show you a part of me.
It's to always wait for something.
Tw: suicidal idealation, sh, sui
Nobody noticed when I stopped including myself in the photos. When I stopped trying to stand out in the group. They didn't notice that I started to fade into the background more and more. It was like I wasn't even there.
Every time I've cried it's been alone. Not once has someone helped me through a panic attack. There is no one here who will help me. I am alone. Why won't anybody help me? I've done everything that I can to save them.
I can't seem to let them go though. Especially the one who hurts me the most. Because even though he makes me feel like I don't matter and am just annoying, he's the only one who really makes me happy. So when he is nice to me my heart is so happy even though I know it won't last and that he'll be back to acting too good for me soon.
But he just doesn't get it. When I message you something random, that's my desperate cry for a distraction. I need help, but he pops in and out of the conversation and then I know that I mean nothing to the person who is my world. And then I cry. I cry until I can't breath because I need him but he doesn't even want me.
Nobody wants me.
I'm so tired. I can't keep going like this. I need someone to love. Someone to give me something to live for. But I don't have that.
So I live only because I have failed to die. I don't take the pills because I can't move my body. I just stare at the wall and feel the tears fall. I give myself drawings made of scars because I don't deserve to have something pretty without pain.
Maybe someday soon I'll finally get the courage.
I'm really annoyed rn and I don't want to actually fix my problems so vent post :P writing this to a certain person who doesn't actually gaf about me
You got mad at me for not taking care of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious that you chose to care now. What is it convenient now?
Why couldn't you care every time that I messaged you to distract myself from the pile of pills in my hands and the blade pressed against my skin. No when I needed you most what you did give was too little too late.
But now you care. Now you're mad at me for being dismissive of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious. Why would I care if I can't eat or drink without chest pains? I'm fucking suicidal! If my body takes itself out good for me! Then I don't have to do it myself.
You're worried sick about me but you don't notice or care that I didn't eat anything at lunch and I was shaking after. When you know that Ive had multiple eating disorders. Bullshit.
Goddammit if you were actually worried you'd listen to me when I talked instead of just scoffing at me when I tell you that no, I haven't scheduled a doctor's appointment. Cause doctors have failed me so many times that I don't trust them anymore and I told you this but you didn't listen. Because doctors are there to help you say. Maybe they help you but I've been let down time and time again. So yeah I hate doctors. I'm allowed to have an opinion even if it's different from yours.
Y'know I think it's really fuckin shitty of you the way you treat me. Even if someone I hated told me the things I told you I'd still look out for them, but you don't do that and we're supposed to be friends.
You're soooo fuckin sad when I tell you that I almost committed suicide once, but you don't notice the sad smile I give when people talk about suicide. When someone told a story about the dream they had about suicide notes I say there knowing I had mine written. They're fucking ready to go when I am. It's soo obvious that something is seriously wrong. I am showing all the signs.
You just don't care to help me
At least not in the way I need
You just wanna preach your bullshit so you can be the winner and the one who was fucking right. You don't care about what I actually need. No one fucking does. I'm so sick of lectures when I just really need a hug but I have no one I can hug without raising suspicion. And if I raise suspicion there goes my plans and way out.
Fuck this I'm so sick of it.
I would never do this to you.
I've never been good with reaching out to people but I finally had my group and I thought that I had found my people
But then time after time as soon as there were other people there it was like I didn't exist anymore and I'm so fucking tired
Is it really so selfish of me to want to feel important for once
Like damn I do everything I can for these people and when I haven't reached out in over a week nobody cares
Nothing changes and they move on without me and then when I finally suck it up and go back because I'm a whore for any sort of attention no matter how fleeting they will act like it's just a silly little thing that I did
I can't stand being alone I can't be alone with myself anymore
But they make me feel so goddamn pathetic
Feel better by Penelope Scott is the ultimate relapse song
WARNING : $H
Ignore how shallow this is its my first time trying to go low 👀💀
TW: mentions of self harm
Purging Through Poetry
I haven’t felt like this in a while
I haven’t craved that pain in an even longer time
Never before have i yearned to carve out all of the pain and leave it behind so strongly
The usual coping mechanisms didn’t help, no matter how unhealthy they were
The distractions could barely divert my attention from the deeply intruding thoughts
The less harmful substitutes barely grazed the surface of what needed release
In times like this i feel self conscious asking for help
My anxiety just throws fuel into the flame
Or does the flame just fuel my anxiety
Every time I’d pull out my phone, a small voice in my head would dial my best friend’s number
When every other voice in my head reached out and turned off my phone
Scolding me for thinking that anyone could be anything but disappointed in me
In times like this I can never bring myself to put feelings on paper
My finger tips are weighed down by my true feelings and dark thoughts
Three days later i finally have enough energy to purge all of my feelings out onto the paper
Three days later I can finally bring myself to relive the pain only for the sake of releasing it
Releasing it in one of the few healthy ways I know
I fucking hate myself, I want to feel happy for once.
One moment I’ll be super happy, then the next, I’ll be so fucking sad, that I can’t move.
Stupid fucking meds aren’t working anymore, but I don’t care anymore.
I just want to be done with everything.