Alone

️alone 

jimin had to keep on living, he had to stop thinking, he had to stop getting hurt. he did some shit yeah, but doesn’t mean he has to be ghosted by his old and much dearest to his heart friends. they left him, they left him to feel rotten and broken, the words of “i’ll be here no matter what happens” rings onto his mind, realizing that that one was just a lie. he wanted out, he didn’t what to feel not anymore, he was lonely and desperate. his “friends” assuming he was okay, going to yoongi instead, caring much more for him than for himself. he hated it, he felt left out, abandoned, and he wanted to cry. but he wouldn’t. nothing was worth crying anymore. Not his friends, not yoongi. -

jimin returned to what once upon a time made him break, this time, maybe adding a few more stuff, drugs, alcohol and the same old same lust he looked for pleasure, he looked for stuff that could fill in the hole that yoongi left when he decided to leave him out to dry. he needed something. every night regretting the things he’d done and remembering the arms of the one he really wants to feel. fuck, jimin was so fucked up, he couldn’t stand life anymore, he couldn’t find any purpose to living it, other that the memories he held from him and his old lover. to the point where the only thing he thought about was yoongi, yoongi, yoongi, yoongi his mind kept screaming yoongi. he needed him he couldn’t live without him. there was a breaking point, he was broken once again, but not in the same way as he was before. he didn’t care, not anymore, he now let’s people just toy with his body, make him introduce substances having no clue of what they are and being aware that he was being destroyed. he destroyed himself for him.

-

he didn’t believe in love, he couldn’t, he was suffering so much. it hurt he was hurting; he couldn’t get out of the cycle he was in. he wanted to rot nothing yet again made sense. as in for yoongi, he knew jimin was having it rough but he didn’t know he was destroying himself. till one day he saw him, he was there sitting on a club, with probably more than one boy next to him. jimin was letting them touch him, kiss him, he let them do whatever they wanted, jimin was alone now, that’s what yoongi was thinking. he saw jimin stand up from his sit, being really touchy with one of the guys that were insinuating themselves for him. and that broke yoongi, even though he did the same every night, seeing jimin’s dead eyes follow that dude to what seemed redemption, he felt something on the inside pinch and explode. he then realized he was the one who hurt him. He was the one that even though he knew jimin was watching his every move he broke him letting him see whatever he was doing with other people. and at that moment he knew, jimin didn’t want to be saved anymore. but then again he wanted to save him.

-

but then again, life is unexpected. it wasn’t a surprise anymore when yoongi left  15 missed calls on jimin’s phone, he felt regetful, that’s a first. when jimin picked up, shit was rough yoongi couldn’t stand what jimin wanted to say to him. he couldn’t stand the fact that jimin felt regretful for whatever he did, he didn’t want it to be true, he didn’t want to be hating jimin for nothing. but that was all he had hatred on his body.

jimin knew yoongi fucked he fucked up. yet still he was wiling to be forgiving, it’s hard to let go when in the first place you didn’t even want to. 

yoongi messed things up again, and that was were this unending cycle begun.

— i want you to be your light baby

✨ashes✨

yoongi and jimin, were a couple like no other, pretty unusual, but so much love irradiated from them. sadly, their love couldn’t handle the rough patch that it has been going through for quite a while, so they decided to break things off. maybe just one of them did.

yoongi lately has had flashbacks on how it felt like being next to him.

it felt like every morning was, well, a sunday morning, lazily playing underneath the sheets and stealing kisses to say the least, yoongi enjoyed that just laying, doing nothing with his boyfriend.

yoongi had a very weird personality, really quiet, cold, and a gaze that could kill, but for the ones he loved, he was warm, calmed a pretty chill and cool dude, he just wasn’t ready to show his real self to the world. one of the things that he loved the most was his music, oh his music, hurtful and pretty melodies were filled in his songs, his words could cut you like a knife. 

yoongi was the one with a few words to say but action that would speak louder than words. he loved helping people that were close to his heart. yet still he was scared to give all of himself to others. he didn’t want to get hurt, he didn’t want to hurt others, he didn’t like the idea of depending on someone else or someone else depending on him. his lyrics, the words  he wrote, you could see the reflection of this part of him on them, and it can break your heart.

jimin on the other hand, he was well quite adventurous he had more of an outgoing but still shy personality, he loved to spread love and be positive. he too loved to socialize, he enjoyed hanging with his friends, and keep them very close so he doesn’t feel that lonely.&nbsp, always dragging yoongi out of bed just to go and have some fun with him and some of their friends, or were they really friends.

jimin was the one who supported everyone, he just gave himself to people expecting nothing in return. that somehow makes him hurt quite a lot but he just won’t accept it and keep doing it. he loved writing, quite like yoongi loved the world of literature to express his emotions and maybe not bother others with them. he has a journal a pretty dark one where he writes his worst fears, guilty desires and the feelings he keeps bottled up ones that he’s not quite ready to let go. all his wrong doings, darkest secrets lay there on a piece of paper and he really wants to hold them as longs he can and never let go.

when jimin and yoongi collided and become one, it started a fire.

yoongi always said that their love can be compared to a rose being burned to ashes, pretty but disastrous. it just bloomed very pretty and then it just went downhill for them. their love can’t be compared to others, their love is unique.

Lost

Yoongi loved her so much.

Why did she have to leave? Did he deserve this? Did he even mean anything to her? How fucking pathetic was it that she just decide to get up and leave him out to dry. He felt helpless.

Love is not simple, we learn that since we are kids. Why do you think sometimes you get that tingle in your stomach when you have something as simple as a crush, well subconsciously the word rejection lingers in your mind.

When you don’t get what you’ve done wrong in a relationship and suddenly your partner (now ex) decides to end it, it’s inevetiable to stop you from obsessing  over it, think about it hundreds times, till your brain decides to think about “something else” but it doesn’t really cover for all the pain and the hurt you’re going through. Either way, your brain keeps on the mind games, makes you feel happy then sad all over again, it never gets tired and while you go through the rollercaoster of emotions - you just feel empty. Nothing makes sense anymore.

 You have to feel it, you have to feel the hurt and the pain, evrery singñe drop of it, so someday you can heal form al the damage that’s been created, you’re not gonna be the same anymore but you’ll eventually learn hot to be happy again.

Anyways, so fucking what if ou feel empty. Life always takes what makes you the happiest, always takes the things that are so precious to you and throw it away, letting you be in your darkest moments, feeling like complety shit and souless. You’re not yourself anymore.

Yoongi couldn’t accept it, he couldn’t handle it, he wanted her back so bad, he couldn’t stop thinking, he didn’t want the companion of others he just wanted her. She was his life, he told her everything, from the simplest things  to the sad and horrible things he thinks before going to sleep. She knew him more than anyone, and he still couldn’t believe that after all they’ve been through she just decides to go and leave him.

She just said “I don’t feel the same way as before, I don’t think i love you anymore, I’m sorry” She couldn’t look him, his perfect dark brown eyes, the ones that once were full of joy- were then full of sadness, sorrow, pain and fear, fear of losing the one thing he felt was right for his life.

 She then continued  to say “I really loved you at one time, i just have these feelings. I-I don’t feel like I do that anymore. loving you, it’s been a while since I started feeling this way” It all really just felt staged, she never loved him, she was just palying him like a puppet, he was his play thing until she finds the next BIG THING. He felt pathetic thinking someone could actually love him, be with him, for fucks sake BE in a relationship with him.

“I’ve found someone else” Yoongi  looked at her, he felt his heart break right then and there into a million pieces. He couldn’t believe he didn’t see this coming, he wanted to laugh at himself, thinking that he could have something nice for once in his life. Well maybe people are telling the truth when they say that love blinds us, it’s so true and in the most painful way.

After that day, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, he even dreamt about it, he felt it all over again, he fell onto a hole and couldn’t get up anymore.

For months now they’ve broken up, he still couldn’t get over it, over her. He woke up every day went to work, produced some songs, (he writes the sourest lyrics and the deepest beats); he guesses that maybe people love it so much since is a feeling that everyone feel at least once in their lives; then he goes home. At home he drinks like a sailor and smokes like he wants to get cancer.  Self-destruction that’s how you call it, he couldn’t find any other source of happiness. Nothing was enough fot him, not the cigs, not the sex,not the alcohol not the porn, not even the fucking drugs, he wasn’t satisfied with his life anymore. He jus realized that there really way out from this shit-show people call life.

-

When he was with friends, he wanted out, he didn’t want to be with them, he was tired so tired of human interaction, his thoughts consumed most of his energy, he wanted to die and never have to look at anyone’s eyes again, not now, not ever. 

That until he found a girl on a quite depressing night out, she seemed somehow broken, she had those lost puppy eyes and a really sad smiled painted all over her face. He approached her, she was sitting on the last banco of the bar, he headed over there and said “Hey you look sad, want some drinks? On me ‘cause I had a pretty shitty day myself and I could use some companion" she looked at him with wide eyes. He could see she was hesitating, I mean who the fuck would just say “fuck it yeah I’m going to let you buy me some drinks and think you’re not some creep looking to take advantage of me” she made up her mind and shrugged her shoulders with a fuck it composure and responded “Yeah sure why not, I could use some drinks tonight”. The night was long, they talked about everything, they laughed, they smiled, they cried and were just strangers, they felt comfort in each other companion. 

But that’s all it was one not so shitty human interaction, with the same broken feelings, at a bar, with friends, feeling out of their element.

After that encounter with the not so anymore mysterious girl, he went back to being his old sappy self, “ it was nice to talk to someone about it” he thought “but that doesn’t change the way im feeling” he ended on a sad note.

-

He wrote letters to her, the girl he loved, probably more than a thousand times, he wrote letters, music, melodies, text messages, he didn’t want to give up, he couldn’t give up. It was hard for him to realize the fact that she was gone, that she found someone else that he was left alone in the dark feeling like shit, his mind was so fucked at this point he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how to cope with his feelings.

Yoongi was alone, he had probably only two friend, others were just acquaintances he talked to from time to time. His family disappointed on him, his company now crumbling, they really needed Yoongi, but he was out of it. He spent most of his days drunk, drinking full bottles of wine, walking around his apartment sulking on why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? No one knew what was going on with him, he was done talking about his feelings, he kept them bottled up, the only way they could get out was when he drank, he cried so much, he called her, he wanted an out and not even his friends could tell them how to fix it, he felt like no one cared.

-

The feelings he held on for so long got the worst of him, he became rude to others, he was aggressive, scared, scared of feelings, hurt and tired. One of his only two friends left him they left him without saying a word, without trying to talk to him he literally just went up to them and said “Hey, words out that you don’t want to hang out with me anymore, is it true?” that was a lie, no one told him he just had a gut feeling and it was starting to be pretty much obvious, to which his “old friend” responded “Um hey yeah, I mean look I think we should take some time off of talking to each other I just want to hang out with my other friends so yeah, sorry”  Yoongi felt so heartbroken. The one person he thought would be there didn’t even have the guts to tell him the reason they wanted to stay away from him, they ended up resuming their relationship shortly after, but still made him feel insecure it made him realize that he wasn’t as important as he thoguht he was for some people at all.

During that part of his life he had obscure feelings, he didn’t try getting over her, he still tried to get her to contact he to get her to love him, he came back to self-destructing himself, only this time with the girl he’s been cherishing for so long used him, knowing how yoongi felt for her, she told him tstuff she knew yoongi would want to hear, they went on long walks they ended up  kissing each other everytime and Yoongi in that moment, felt like everything was falling back to place.

He knew though, what she was doing, he knew that she was using him and he let it happen ‘cause that was the only source of happiness he thought he could get. She stopped talking to him when she saw him, she wanted to see how much he could play with him, she wanted to see how much she had destroyed, she wanted him to beg to see how his face fals down when she was with other guys, when she was with her friends, when she was with his now ex. Yoongi took it all, he took it all because he loved her, he loved her so much to the point where he didn’t stop to think about the damage he was doing to himself.

-

He thought it was impossible to get someone you loved dearly out his head. She too at one point just really toyed with him, she used to ask him to tell her why he loved her, she spew words like “Maybe in the future we could be together, just wait for me to be ready.” The worst part, he believed her, and he got so happy when she said that. At those moments he felt like he was on cloud nine, he felt happy that he was spending so much time with her, with the lover of his life, that she would text him, that she would make him laugh just a little, her kisses made him forget all of the bad she made him feel. He knew inside, that it was just fun and game for her, that she would never look at him as more than just one toy who could play with his emotions, but he was in love, he fell in love so hard that not even if he had the chance to stop loving her he would, because he felt like his world would stop, he felt like there would be nothing to live for if he stopped loving her.

Those things said were just for a period of time, she started to ghost him again, she started acting like he was nothing, she made him be so used to her that now the thing she was doing was way worst, she ignored him when he talked to her, didn’t let him talk when he needed to, declined every possible text and call he would have made. Other days she would talk to him, she would call him, she would tell him to hang out and the next day never saying a word about it, she started playing but in a different way in a much more painful one, she would disappear for more than two weeks and then come back saying something on the lines of “Just fell asleep, ah ah.” Yoongi kept on knowing that she was just using him and letting it happen, not daring to leave, not now that he felt like he had her.

That went on up until probably 4 months when she decided to stay out for good, once again leaving Yoongi broken, he started calling and texting again, she would answer him from time to time but not in the way yoongi wanted. One day Yoongi woke up and realized that maybe, just maybe the relationships he tried, the things he had that didn’t really work out for him it was maybe because of her, maybe because he spent so much time thinking about her, sulking for her, longing that he didn’t even realize that he was destroying himself and he stopped after that day he stop calling, texting and thinking about her, he may’ve had a few slips but very little.

He still thought of her from time to time, he felt comfort of thinking of the feelings, the purest feelings he ever had, from time to time he still wondered what would it be like to be with her, how would it feel like if it wasn’t a one sided love, how would it be like if she cared for him, if she loved him like he did to her. There are days though still where he wants to talk to her, he doesn’t even know what he would say but still, loving her was really hard but easy at the same time, hard because it was so painful and easy because it was a pure feelings it came right out his soul, and he would always hold on to those feelings, cause that’s all they were now longing memories, memories he wished could’ve been better but still somehow got to live them, he got to live what love and falling in love felt like, how suffering for love felt like, how pain felt like and how sometimes it made him feel happy.

do you remember summer ‘09?

can't people just appreciate how stunning seokjin is