Man There's Just Something About Those Proper Little Gay Men With British Accents Who Don't Fit Into

Man there's just something about those proper little gay men with British accents who don't fit into society and then find someone who accepts every part of them, especially the parts that make them "weird", that just gets me every time

Me: gets on my phone to do something important

*After twenty minutes on Instagram*: what was I doing again?

Also me: gets on my computer to watch YouTube

*After twenty minutes organizing my emails*: what was I doing again?

This is ridiculous

It does occur to me that all of my favorite ships have at least one British accent and I don't know what to do with this information

#public feud with his PR agent is just too good

you really have to appreciate how badly geralt fucked up, like. yeah, jaskier IS his best friend and they ARE in love, but jaskier also basically wrote an ad jingle for geralt. that's what toss a coin is. and now that they've broken up, geralt is literally in a public feud with his PR agent

Ok let's play a game called:

I Can't Believe It's Not Fanon.

Otherwise known as...

Witcher facts that sound like Geraskier fic writers made them up, but that are, in fact, book canon.

PART ONE:

We've all read the fics where bad guys kidnap Jaskier in order to get to get to Geralt. These bad guys always regret it when Geralt slaughters every single one of them.

Well, good news! In Season of Storms, starting on page 310, this very thing happens.

(TW: Violence and gore)

Geralt is attending a royal wedding and once again, powerful people are trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do. He enters a room to find:

Dandelion was as white as a sheet and clearly terrified...He was sitting on a chair with a high backrest. Behind the chair stood a skinny character with hair combed and plaited into a queue. The character was holding a misericorde with a long, narrow, four-sided blade. The blade was pressed against the poet's neck, below his jaw, slanting upwards.

"No funny business," warned Ropp. No funny business witcher. One false move, even one twitch, and Mr Samsa will stick the minstrel like a hog. He won't hesitate."

So, these particular assholes have accurately surmised that Geralt's weakness is Dandelion. There were any number of people they could have kidnapped, but they chose the poet. Of course, they underestimate Geralt, like so many people do.

Geralt tries to warn them that this is a very very bad move.

"You're making a mistake, Ropp."

They don't listen to him. They keep going, making increasingly florid violent threats to Dandelion's safety.

"Now," said the captain..."Now you will confirm that you've understood the task and will execute it. Should you not, before I count to ten under my breath, Mr Samsa will rupture the minstrel's right eardrum...if the desired result does not ensure, Mr Samsa stabs the other ear. And will then gouge out the poet's eye. And so on, to the bitter end, which is a jab to the brain. I'm starting to count, witcher."

What does Dandelion do? Well, he's terrified but he tries to be brave.

"Don't listen to him Geralt!" Dandelion somehow managed to make a sound from his constricted throat. "They won't dare to touch me! I'm famous!"

This is hilarious and very, very Dandelion. But also, it's not entirely unreasonable. Dandelion's fame often protects him, and sometimes it protects Geralt too. However, it doesn’t seem to be doing either at the moment.

Geralt says to Mister Samsa:

"First, move that dagger away from the poet's ear."

Mister Samsa seems to think that they have succeeded and Geralt is negotiating with him, so he complies. (this guy makes one bad decision after another)

"Ha," snorted Mister Samsa, lifting the misericorde high over his head. "Is that better?"

Geralt simply answers:

"Better."

Then without another word, Geralt kills them all, violent and bloody. It is a descriptive, vividly gory passage. He slices carotid arteries and groins. One man's neck spews blood onto the chandelier and ceiling. But I find what Geralt does to Mister Samsa to be particularly significant and satisfying.

The Witcher jerked the sword from the scabbard before Ropp fell, and with one fluid movement coming out of a short spin, hacked off Samsa's raised hand. Samsa yelled and dropped to his knees.

So Geralt’s actions say...you use your hand to hold a blade to *my* poet's neck, and I will chop that motherfucker off. Let's see you do that again without a hand, you piece of shit.

It's a gory passage. I'll skip to the end. The royal instigator comes into the room to investigate and asks Geralt about the one man he has left (sort of, temporarily) alive.

The instigator examined the captain, who was lying, stretched out in a pool of urine, salivating copiously, and trembling incessantly.

"What's wrong with him?"

"Shards of nasal bones in the brain. And probably several splinters in his eyeballs."

"You struck him too hard."

"That was my intention," said Geralt, wiping the sword blade with a napkin taken from the table. "Dandelion, how are you? Everything in order? Can you stand?"

I find that pretty hot. Geralt has corpses and blood all around him, and he's being asked questions by the authorities. They could arrest him. They could lock him up. They could execute him. Geralt does not give a single solitary fuck. He is going, you're goddamn right I did that. He is casually wiping his sword blade with a napkin and asking Dandelion if he's alright. He has accomplished the important thing (saving Dandelion) and doesn't care about anything else.

Dandelion is freed and vomiting all over the floor. (Poor guy. He doesn't have a stomach for violence and gore. Joey portrays this well in the show.) He answers, babbling:

..."For fuck's sake, I've never been so afraid. I felt like the insides were falling out my arse. And that everything would drop out of me, teeth included.

God I love that part. Hilarious and very relatable. I'm sure if someone kidnapped me and put a knife to my throat, I would feel the same. (Dandelion is always the human/the reader stand in.) But the next part is so sweet.

But when I saw you I knew you'd save me. I mean, I didn't. But I was counting strongly on it. How much sodding blood there is! How it stinks in here! I think I'm going to puke again."

He knew Geralt would save him. When he saw him, he knew. *sob*

Then, Dandelion's cousin (the royal instigator is Dandelion's cousin) says he is going to take Geralt to the king to resolve this, and for Julian (Dandelion) to stay there.  (People who knew Jaskier as a kid call him Julian.) Dandelion refuses.

"Fuck that. I'm not staying here for a moment. I prefer sticking close to Geralt."

I don't blame you, buddy. Who else is going to slaughter a bunch of people for you?

--fin---

Ok, I have a lot more of these fic sounding witcher facts, like:

A shape shifter reads Geralt's mind, then turns into Jaskier because he knows that’s the best way to protect himself. 

Geralt and Jaskier share beds.

Geralt and Jaskier share clothes.

Geralt travels with Jaskier for years but has no idea that he is a viscount. When he does find out, it is in public, from a third party, and yes it is hilarious. (Bonus. Ciri finds out this way as well)

Geralt may play it cool to his face, but he thinks Jaskier has a gorgeous voice.

Jaskier has a voice so beautiful, it can calm a monster.

Geralt drops everything to protect Jaskier, every time, even in the middle of battles when there are other people around to protect.

Geralt can smell lust

They also share a kiss in a few of the translations, but not all. It's a very "y yo también" situation.

If people like this post, I can make it a series, pulling book passages for each of the others. Let me know!

he didn’t want to run away with me :(