I Never Wanted This; Carlos Sainz

I never wanted this; Carlos Sainz

WARNING; Topics such as suicide, death and poisoning are mentioned.

I was in our room, crying. I couldn't believe it, it was all my fault.

On the TV the news about his disappearance was on repeat like a damaged record, the social networks were a chaos of theories and speculations, everyone seemed to want to know where Carlos had gone, and it was all my fault. I caused the fight that brought us to this moment in time, it was all my fault.

I knew it was only a matter of time before the police would be looking for me to ask their usual questions, but I was aware that if they noticed the house in chaos they would suspect me. I had to leave, at least while the first few hours of investigation passed. After that, I would have time, everything could go back to normal.

No one had to know, no one could find out that everything had been provoked by me.

I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to face everything alone, so I took some of my things deciding that I would spend the night at my mother's house, she would be with me, she would comfort me and support me because she knows how much I love him.

When the call from the police arrived, they came to my mother's small but cozy house, they asked me some questions and I told them my husband's usual routine, which ended this time when they reported finding his sport car abandoned on an unknown stretch of road not frequented by him.

No one knew what had happened, the policemen were trying to advise me by the time I could receive a rescue call. They were all assuming that Carlos had been kidnapped and were waiting for whoever committed this act to look for me, to call me and ask for a large amount of money so that Carlos could be released alive. The agents who came to talk to me gave me so much advice to the point that I felt overwhelmed, I felt that with just a few words in front of them I would spoil everything and they would discover the truth, they would discover that it was all my fault.

When they finally left with the promise that if they found out anything they would inform me or if anyone contacted me I would come to them, I could breathe. I knew I had taken them off my hands for a few hours, I knew they would be out of my way for as long as it took. And with the Sainz family licking their chops with the media, this was my perfect opportunity to return home, to our home.

A home that was broken, hurt and wounded, but  ours.

As I tried to sort out everything that had happened, as I tried to bring everything back to the perfection that our home always projected, one by one, neighbors, friends and family knocked on the door, but I could not receive anyone, I had no time, everything was measured.

—I want to be alone—. That was what I shouted over and over again in response to the knocks on the door.

I needed to be alone, everything had come to an end. Things were decided, I would wear my wedding dress and he would wear his black suit and we would be happy once again, happy as when we started this life together. I would arrange everything, I would see to it that everything happened before anyone found out what was going on.

My dress lay on our bed, and the tuxedo next to him. I admired the view in front of me for a few seconds, there was no turning back now, there was no longer anything that could change the course this whole day in our lives had taken.

I turned around and went back to the first floor, I had to look for some things still, I had to make sure everything went well.

As I made my way to the first floor, there was another knock on the door, I stopped, I stood quietly on the stairs, I was exactly in front of the front door that I would not answer once again, hoping they would understand that I wanted to be alone and that I didn't want to be disturbed. But his voice came from the other side of the darkness.

—I know you're there, please let's talk—. A lump settled in my throat, it was Lando, Carlos' best friend. I couldn't see him, I couldn't face him, I was sure he would want to come in and stay with me until we knew what had happened with my husband and I couldn't allow that, I couldn't allow him to see it.

—No Lan, I don't want to talk to anyone, he's gone—. I was not able to control my emotions and I burst into tears.

—Hey, we'll find him, everything will be all right, okay?—. Lando couldn't understand at this moment, but Carlos had left not to come back and I had taken care of that.

—Lando, I want to be alone, could we meet later?—. I needed him to leave, I needed to be alone so I could put an end to all this.

—I understand, I'll call you in the morning, bye—. I heard her footsteps as he was leaving. With a big sigh I resumed my walk, while I admired each and every detail that flooded our house, our home.

I stopped in front of the stove, took a deep breath and took the courage to do it. One by one I turned all the knobs without turning on the burners, just allowing the gas to come out. At that moment many things went through my mind, all the memories of a life together seemed to play in front of me, soon we would be together again.

I walked back to him, back to our bedroom. It took me a lot of effort to place him on the bed, but I managed to place him right where he always liked to sleep. He looked so pale now, but he still looked so handsome. From his side I took my beautiful dress and decisively took some scissors that were on my vanity, without thinking twice I started to make some cuts before putting it on, then I looked at myself in the mirror, I hated myself, I hated being the person who had brought things to this point, and with tears in my eyes, scissors in hand, I started to cut my hair evenly.

I dropped the scissors, I had ruined everything, I had ruined our life, our marriage and I had ended his dream and all his effort had gone down the drain because of me. I walked over to the small bureau next to the bed and took from the only drawer his sleeping pills, Carlos always took two after a day full of adrenaline to be able to rest properly. I also took the forgotten bottle of anti-stress pills that had once been prescribed for me.

I looked at them for a moment before walking to the bar and grabbing a glass to pour a shot of whiskey. Drink with which I took the pills, I have no idea how many there were but I knew it might take a while for them to take effect. So I started to dress him.

In his tuxedo he looked so handsome, but now he was so cold. I sat next to him and admired his now expressionless face, it had been my fault, I had caused him this. In a moment I felt all the strength leave my body and I climbed a little on the bed, to lie down next to him. I positioned myself so that my face was on his chest and hugged him with my arms. I had a great desire to sleep, but I was still conscious of how I felt my demons being released.

In the distance the sound of police sirens could be heard, but it was too late. Still, before it was all over I had to say goodbye, I had to apologize to him, later we would be together again, somewhere after death.

—I am so sorry my love, I never wanted it to come to this. I wanted to spend my life with you, I wanted to be able to give you so many moments and memories, I wanted to give you the surprise that we would be parents, but if I don't have you by my side, I don't want to live a life without you. I know it's all my fault, but it doesn't matter anymore, we made a promise to each other, we promised to always be together—. The words began to come out of my mouth in a rush, my eyes were heavy and I knew that there was little time left but I still had some words to say.— I will make sure that it is so, I will make sure that we can keep that promise, I love you and I will always love you—. The words stopped coming out of my mouth and I concentrated on closing my eyes and sleeping, it was time for me to leave everything here.

The knocking on the door was so loud, the sound of the sirens was also louder, but it was impossible to open my eyes again.

—Police, open the door!—. The knocking was getting more and more continuous.— Police, open the door, I will not repeat it one more time—. More knocks on the door, louder and more determined. I knew they were going to break down the door, but nothing mattered, because even if they tried they could not save me, they could not save us.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, rapid footsteps coming up towards us and distorted voices.

—We need paramedics, someone call for an ambulance urgently—. Everything seemed to spin around, I tried to open my eyes, to see what was going on, I really tried but it was impossible.— We have a probable suicide attempt and a person with no vital signs, we need paramedics urgently... —. And everything became silence and thick blackness, finally I was free from the hell that my life was becoming.

      --- ---

—We have sad and regrettable news in the world of sports, last night the famous Formula 1 racer, who played a role in the Ferrari team, Carlos Sainz and his wife, better known as Mr. and Mrs. Sainz, were found in their apartment without vital signs. According to police reports, the autopsy of the driver indicates that he died from severe poisoning, while the autopsy of his young wife indicates that she died from an overdose of different pills, which makes them think that she committed suicide—. She looked at the camera after reading all the information she had in her hands —. A sad loss for the world of Formula 1, we extend our condolences to the family of both... That's all for today, have a very good night.

What are you waiting for? — Beomgyu [ TXT ]

I keep repeating the same thing over and over in my mind. I like Her, that's all.

Voices and the sound of the television invade my room from the other side of the door.

Outside her laughter fills every corner of the house causing my heart to ache.

It hurt to see her laughing with the boys, it didn't make sense she had always been like that. And if I just liked her why did it bother me so much?

I stirred once again, unable to fall asleep. Her voice sounded loud and high quickening my heart.

I stood up tired of not being able to sleep, I didn't know what to do. Should I join them? What are they doing? I slowly opened the door to look further down the hall. I could see her profile, she was sitting right next to Yeonjun. She was laughing and joking with him as he held her lightly by the shoulders. I felt my soul leaving my body.

I couldn't go on like this, I had to do something.

I had to figure out my feelings.

I left the room ready to go to the kitchen, from there I would have a better view of where she was. I had to keep an eye on her, I couldn't let her be with him.

It's not like Yeonjun hyung was a bad person, but she didn't have to be in his arms. I stared at them as my mind traveled elsewhere. I didn't just like her, she was the person I wanted to be with the most. I wanted her to be mine, I wanted her to just spend time with me.

A hand waved in front of my eyes snapping me out of my trance.

— It's Something wrong Gyu?.— And there she was, as beautiful as ever, I blushed as I shook my head slightly.—Are you sure?

She tilted her head a little bit trying to look me in the eyes. I nodded running away from her gaze.

I stood up and tried to move away from her, but she was quicker and grabbed my hand.

—Why are you running away from me? Lately you don't spend time with me and you always run away from me. I don't understand what's going on... Did I do something to upset you?— Her voice was a whisper, one full of feelings that attacked my heart, I couldn't leave her there. I couldn't leave and run away from her again.

I turned and looked her straight in the eyes, I didn't know how to do it. Did I say it all at once? Did I just say it? Nerves were beginning to flood my being. I couldn't do it, I couldn't.

I tried to turn around again but her words left me frozen.

—Is it 'cause you've realized that I like you? Is that why you're running away from me? I know we are friends, but I couldn't control my feelings, I'm really sorry if that causes you problems—. Her voice was getting lower and lower as she spoke, it became a whisper. She was going to cry.

My movements were fast, I brought her to me in an embrace, I leaned my head against hers while I gave small caresses to her hair. I was an asshole, she liked me, she liked me. God how could I not have noticed.

—Did you really like me?—. A silly question, but I wanted to confirm it, I wanted to hear it one more time.

—Don't make me repeat it Beomgyu—. I pulled her a little away from me to see her face, she was red as a little tomato and she was trying to hide her eyes from me. I laughed, she was so cute.

—I like you too, I like you a lot, but I couldn't decipher my feelings, I was confused and I moved away from you. I had no idea that you felt the same way I did.—

—Then what are you waiting for?—. I looked at her without understanding, she laughed while her cheeks filled with a crimson pink, she had blushed. I was about to tell her how cute she was when she caught my lips in a kiss, it had to be hard for her, she was on her tiptoes, with her arms around my neck. But to me it was the most tender act in the world. She really was the person I wanted by my side.

𝕔𝕙𝕠𝕚 𝕤𝕠𝕠𝕓𝕚𝕟 ;; 𝓇𝓊𝓃𝒶𝓌𝒶𝓎

Gazing at the stars next to him had never been so sad, think that this it might be the last time.

The sky looked particularly beautiful, the bright full moon illuminating our night and the stars, filling every space in that dark ocean, twinkling like beautiful sparkles that usually filled me with peace.

I turn my face to look at him. In the moonlight, he had a beautiful smile and his eyes were shining. Try on learn by heart every part of his face, so i always take it with me. I took his hand giving it a little squeeze, his smile got bigger.

—Okay, don't be afraid, we'll be together—. He gave me a small look along with a wink and then he continue to admire the stars as if nothing will happen.

—Bin, do you know what's going to happen? You haven't forgotten, have you?—.

—You must go, I know ... They're going to move but you don't want to, you don't want to go so far away.— his eyes roamed the vastness of the sky.

—I'm going to miss you, I'm really going to miss you—. My eyes struggled to don't shed those tears that flooded them, cus i don't want to cry in front of him.

—Maybe we can do something ... Should we run?—. I looked at him in surprise. What was he saying? How were we going to run away?. —We could go anywhere, nothing would stop us, not even the end of the world. You and me forever together.—

Silence reigned in the place after his last words, that was our promise, we promised to always be together, but this was bigger, my parents would not allow it.

—Soo, you know we can't fight this, my paren...—

—No, it's fine.—He interrupted me. —It doesn't have to be now, I'll go for you wherever you go, I'll be with you at any time, so when it's the time, run away with me—. His eyes sparkled with amusement.

And there i understood it, he would go wherever i was when i necessitate him. This didn't have to end here, he was willing to keep on, i also wanted do it.

—Should we run now?—. I smiled at him, Soobin nodding closer to me. He gently caressed one of my cheeks and then placed a small kiss on my forehead.

—We can run away when you want, just don't take your heart away from me, please don't move forward without me and when you need me please, call me, wherever, I swear, I'll go there—. His gaze fell on my lips and without hesitation he approached to kiss them, sealing our new promise.

ʜᴇ's sᴜᴄʜ ᴀ ᴘᴀʀᴛʏ ᴘᴏᴏᴘᴇʀ — вeoмgyυ & ѕooвιn | тхт |

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ ;; ᴘᴏʟʏᴀᴍᴏʀᴏᴜs ʀᴇʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴsʜɪᴘ.

ʙᴇᴏᴍɢʏᴜ ᴀɴᴅ sᴏᴏʙɪɴ ᴀʀᴇ ᴅᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ sᴀᴍᴇ ɢɪʀʟ.

I ran laughing from the kitchen to the bedroom, Beomgyu chasing me with the threat of tickling me.

—Please, please stop!—. I was gasping for air, both from physical exertion and laughter. Gyu had a mocking look on his face, his intention was clear. To get to the room and start a different game.

— Baby, you're not going to save yourself this time.—

He increased his pace towards me, I had no escape. I let out a laugh when I saw him pounce and felt him pin me against the wall. I turned around in his arms and smiled tenderly at him, when he was looking for what he wanted he could act very playful. He responded to my smile with a kiss.

He pulled away a little to attack my lips more deeply. His hands traveled straight to my waist, right to the hem of my blouse. The temperature was getting hotter and hotter.

A knock in the living room caused us to break apart abruptly, the jingle of keys and the sound of plastic bags began to fill the emptiness of the flat.

—You'd better stop right now and come and eat, I don't want any trouble today, it was a good day.— Soobin's voice came from across the long hallway. Beomgyu didn't move at all and started leaving little kisses on my neck.

— Yah, Choi Beomgyu I don't want to go after you, leave my girl now!—.

The second guy was standing at the end of the hallway with both hands on his hips, staring at Gyu's back, not willing to leave us alone for another second. I laughed as I slipped out of Beomgyu's arms to walk over and plant a small kiss on Soobin's lips.

—Sourpuss, he's such a party pooper. Why did he have to arrive just now?—. Beomgyu's complaints continued to be heard as we shared the table.

enнypen

𝕙𝕖𝕖𝕤𝕖𝕦𝕟𝕘 ::

Stop it, it's not funny

𝕛𝕒𝕪 ;;

nothing yet

𝕤𝕦𝕟𝕠𝕠 ;;

My only wish

𝕛𝕦𝕟𝕘𝕨𝕠𝕟 ;;

nothing yet 

𝕟𝕚𝕜𝕚 ;;

nothing yet

𝕤𝕦𝕟𝕘𝕙𝕠𝕠𝕟 ;;

nothing yet

𝕛𝕒𝕜𝕖 ;;

𝓦𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓽𝓻𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓸 𝓯𝓲𝔁 𝓲𝓽?

𝓦𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓽𝓻𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓸 𝓯𝓲𝔁 𝓲𝓽? — 𝓙𝓪𝓴𝓮 | 𝓔𝓝𝓗𝓨𝓟𝓔𝓝 |

I walked home shaking off the small snowflakes that had settled on my shoulders. I felt tired, it had been a long and stressful day.

I heard noises coming from somewhere past the living room, I looked around as I put aside my coat and scarf, it was cold as hell outside and I urgently needed to get warm.

I went deeper into the house looking for the cause of the constant noise that flooded the place.

—¡Aish!—

I paused as I heard the complaint coming from the kitchen and smiled when I knew who it was. I approached slowly so as not to alert him of my presence, I wanted to know what he was doing, it was rare for him to step on those grounds.

Jake had his back to the door, he was concentrating on something on the little island in the middle of the kitchen. I tried to look for an angle to see what he was doing, but his back was too wide, blocking my view.

I abandoned my hiding place and walked straight towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist causing him to jump slightly.

—Love, you scared me! —. He turned without breaking my embrace and planted a tender kiss on my lips.

—What are you doing? —. I tried to look behind him, but he caught me in a hug.

— You know I love you so, so much, don't you? — He said with a nervous smile.

—What have you done? —. I asked without hesitation, he laughed nervously as he shook his head.

—I haven't done anything, I swear —. I managed to free myself from his arms and looked behind him.

On the island lay a smashed painting, its protector broken and the frame unhinged.

— ¡It was an accident! The boys came by to say hello but you weren't there, they started to play and in an oversight Niki had knocked it down —.

—We... Were you trying to fix it? — It was a very old photo, it depicted a memorable event, the last dinner I had with my whole family together. It was a special photo, as it was the last time we were all together.

—I was trying to fix it, I swear I will fix it or Niki will pay for it, don't be sad hon, I know how much you love this picture—. I had no words, knowing that he was willing to repair with his own hands something he wasn't guilty of, just because I loved that filled my heart. I turned around to face him and stared into his eyes, threw my arms around his neck and stole a kiss.

—I love you so much Shim Jaeyoon—. He smiled and came closer to kiss me back.

—I love you so much.—