Letempsdetruittout-98 - Le Temps Détruit Tout.

July 10, 2024

Wednesday

From now on you are dead to me.

I feel for you, but not in a horrible way… I feel for you that you can't be a responsible adult that you don't care about your responsibilities much less emotionally with people, I feel for you because you have all these traumas that don't let you move on, don't leave you alone, don't let you share your feelings, don't let you be happy…and that's why you can't have a healthy relationship, because you've been depressed for more than 10 years, and I feel sorry for you that all you do is hurt people for the things they did to you, because you think that is the way to continue living in your life because of the bad things that you said you did in the past that I am now a part of too, I also feel sorry for you because you can't forgive yourself. After all you are not a bad person, because a bad person does not feel bad for the bad things that has done, a bad person does not contact people from the past to ask for forgiveness, has no conscience, does not regret, a bad person does not contact another again and again to see how they are doing..that's what people want you to believe and you believe that but the truth is you really aren't, I've met people before who really are, but you have no idea of what it's really like to be a bad person, and I'm sorry too, because you can't even do it right. You can fool everyone, but not me.

June 4, 2024

Tuesday

I begged life for another chance with him, my prayers were heard… but I still feel that emptiness inside me and he has been somewhat distant and indifferent to me, I can't handle that, can't stand it. I love him very much, he is partly all I have ever wanted but he has not done what he promised me he would change, I feel sad and disappointed too, I don't want this to end but it is difficult to be able to control what someone thinks and does, who should be more open as a person with you, it hurts a lot.

June 30, 2024

Sunday

I know you will say that I never learn, but after break up this thursday for the fourth time I fell into this void again, when I had recovered in a certain way since the last time...now i'm more broken.

I don't want to lie, but I always had the illusion that each time things would turn out well and better than the last, but clearly not for him. He was honest with me, he said that since the second time we came back together that "spark" ended, a spark that he himself broke and that somehow I always had it until the end… and a part of me still has it. He tried to convince himself that every time we came back that spark could come back again, but it wasn't like that, he wasn't "well".

He told me at the end that he is not ready for a serious relationship, he likes his loneliness, that he doesn't know how to really be in a relationship and that commitment is not his thing…he made me fall into this spiral with spikes and made me feel miserable, It's so selfish, so cruel, that coldness of his and the way he said it…"I prefer to continue alone for that reason I better not do my part because if I try to do my part it will become real and I will get extremely attached and it will hurt when we break up in the future for anything and I better avoid that pain". Having that cynicism of telling me that "it will only hurt for a while, then you can move on like me, yes it hurts, it burns, you feel like something was lost but eventually you will heal and everything will return to normal, I've already been there, I know what it's like, apart from that, you're stronger than me, you'll get through without problems." "I know I betrayed you, I betrayed everything."

He was so mean to me as if I was nothing to him, maybe I have always been nothing to him and it's hard to accept it. I don't know what I feel, but I do know that i'm heartbroken. Can't read those hurtful things again, it's too much. How can someone cause you so much pain and act like they didn't do anything to you and just keep their lives together, clean and no regrets?

June 9, 2024

Sunday We broke up for third time.

He´s broken and I think I always knew from the beginning, but I tried to convince myself that I could help him enough if he loved me enough. I feel dead inside but i think it was the right thing in the end, can't let him go completely so i hope keep in touch at least. I don't think I've ever loved someone like him before, maybe i am one of those women from the book "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood, It's about women like me who think we can fix someone with the strength of love but we're only hurting and dragging ourselves deeply into them and that's when we start to lose ourselves for someone who in the end isn't really worth it. I do love him, i really do but it was too much and one of the worst parts is that i let myself behind. I wish him the best, i really do, but time really destroys everything. i feel with mixed feelings, but i hope and i beg life to give me enough time to forget him…. I'm starting to think that maybe he never loved me…i was just a part of him, probably a very small part of him and i´m hurt, i feel abused. Will he go to therapy? I don't know. Will he recover soon or in this life? I don't know and a part of me doubts he will, but i hope he can find happiness and forgive himself one day, like every human we deserve another chance and start over and over again…

I need to start working on myself, my eating disorder and depression…i will try to quit smoking too and go to the gym, that might help and i do really want to change. A friend told me today that maybe this time between him and me will be for the better, each of us working separately with our own demons and being better, trying to be better from that, she was right.

It was an experience? Definitely and a tough one, cold and new one. Do i regret it? Sometimes but i wanted to be there. Stupid, stupid me…

June 5, 2024

Wednesday This all ended for good I guess, I can quite understand some parts and things about him, but I recognize that he has problems, even more than I thought he would have or has… I could come back to him every time over and over again, i don't care the cost of it, it is really hard, difficult to stop being attached to someone, I just can't let him go, but after all this deep sadness inside me, I stay positive and mostly at peace… maybe it was for the best yes, but I still have hope that things can be better between us, I am able to beg life again for another chance with me, beg…he is the problem I know, but I was always there for him, good or bad even when he hurt me and said hurtful things to me the other night…he says I shouldn't think about it anymore and I think that's what I should do.