June 9, 2024

June 9, 2024

Sunday We broke up for third time.

He´s broken and I think I always knew from the beginning, but I tried to convince myself that I could help him enough if he loved me enough. I feel dead inside but i think it was the right thing in the end, can't let him go completely so i hope keep in touch at least. I don't think I've ever loved someone like him before, maybe i am one of those women from the book "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood, It's about women like me who think we can fix someone with the strength of love but we're only hurting and dragging ourselves deeply into them and that's when we start to lose ourselves for someone who in the end isn't really worth it. I do love him, i really do but it was too much and one of the worst parts is that i let myself behind. I wish him the best, i really do, but time really destroys everything. i feel with mixed feelings, but i hope and i beg life to give me enough time to forget him…. I'm starting to think that maybe he never loved me…i was just a part of him, probably a very small part of him and i´m hurt, i feel abused. Will he go to therapy? I don't know. Will he recover soon or in this life? I don't know and a part of me doubts he will, but i hope he can find happiness and forgive himself one day, like every human we deserve another chance and start over and over again…

I need to start working on myself, my eating disorder and depression…i will try to quit smoking too and go to the gym, that might help and i do really want to change. A friend told me today that maybe this time between him and me will be for the better, each of us working separately with our own demons and being better, trying to be better from that, she was right.

It was an experience? Definitely and a tough one, cold and new one. Do i regret it? Sometimes but i wanted to be there. Stupid, stupid me…

July 7, 2024

Sunday

I want myself back, I miss myself… I want to be with myself again and do things right this time… I miss myself so much that I need to forgive myself, for letting myself go through this knowing I was suffering and I still wanted to be there, into the shithole I forced myself to get into...

July 5, 2024

Friday

Even with all the pain in my heart I can say that I can finally start to feel peace with myself after all, and start to think about how things were from the beginning… maybe I shouldn't do it very often every day, but it helps me a little to heal the pain. I'm starting to feel happy again…and love myself a little again…I love myself…even with this momentary sadness that bombards my head a couple of times during the day.

August 7, 2024

Wednesday

After a little over a month I lost my job last week due to alcohol problems, I was running late and also a little dizzy the next morning when I got to work…they basically gave me good money and they still owe me a little more. I have to say it's pretty hard to believe how someone can cause you so much pain and fuck you up mentally and emotionally, I'd say it's exhausted you. It was and it is the first time in my life that this has happened to me and it definitely shocks me, because I never thought I would be in a situation like this in my life but I guess this is what happens when you love too much and your partner or the person who was supposedly there for you they just treated you like you were nothing and how they can forget you so easily, after all you were nothing to them, that hurts me too much. To be honest, I don't regret anything I've done so far because that's exactly what I felt, thought and went through for the last month or even the last 2 months. I just have to learn from it. Recover and try to get my life back. And to be honest, I'm afraid of how long it will take.

June 30, 2024

Sunday

I know you will say that I never learn, but after break up this thursday for the fourth time I fell into this void again, when I had recovered in a certain way since the last time...now i'm more broken.

I don't want to lie, but I always had the illusion that each time things would turn out well and better than the last, but clearly not for him. He was honest with me, he said that since the second time we came back together that "spark" ended, a spark that he himself broke and that somehow I always had it until the end… and a part of me still has it. He tried to convince himself that every time we came back that spark could come back again, but it wasn't like that, he wasn't "well".

He told me at the end that he is not ready for a serious relationship, he likes his loneliness, that he doesn't know how to really be in a relationship and that commitment is not his thing…he made me fall into this spiral with spikes and made me feel miserable, It's so selfish, so cruel, that coldness of his and the way he said it…"I prefer to continue alone for that reason I better not do my part because if I try to do my part it will become real and I will get extremely attached and it will hurt when we break up in the future for anything and I better avoid that pain". Having that cynicism of telling me that "it will only hurt for a while, then you can move on like me, yes it hurts, it burns, you feel like something was lost but eventually you will heal and everything will return to normal, I've already been there, I know what it's like, apart from that, you're stronger than me, you'll get through without problems." "I know I betrayed you, I betrayed everything."

He was so mean to me as if I was nothing to him, maybe I have always been nothing to him and it's hard to accept it. I don't know what I feel, but I do know that i'm heartbroken. Can't read those hurtful things again, it's too much. How can someone cause you so much pain and act like they didn't do anything to you and just keep their lives together, clean and no regrets?