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August 7, 2024

Wednesday

After a little over a month I lost my job last week due to alcohol problems, I was running late and also a little dizzy the next morning when I got to work…they basically gave me good money and they still owe me a little more. I have to say it's pretty hard to believe how someone can cause you so much pain and fuck you up mentally and emotionally, I'd say it's exhausted you. It was and it is the first time in my life that this has happened to me and it definitely shocks me, because I never thought I would be in a situation like this in my life but I guess this is what happens when you love too much and your partner or the person who was supposedly there for you they just treated you like you were nothing and how they can forget you so easily, after all you were nothing to them, that hurts me too much. To be honest, I don't regret anything I've done so far because that's exactly what I felt, thought and went through for the last month or even the last 2 months. I just have to learn from it. Recover and try to get my life back. And to be honest, I'm afraid of how long it will take.

July 10, 2024

Wednesday

From now on you are dead to me.

I feel for you, but not in a horrible way… I feel for you that you can't be a responsible adult that you don't care about your responsibilities much less emotionally with people, I feel for you because you have all these traumas that don't let you move on, don't leave you alone, don't let you share your feelings, don't let you be happy…and that's why you can't have a healthy relationship, because you've been depressed for more than 10 years, and I feel sorry for you that all you do is hurt people for the things they did to you, because you think that is the way to continue living in your life because of the bad things that you said you did in the past that I am now a part of too, I also feel sorry for you because you can't forgive yourself. After all you are not a bad person, because a bad person does not feel bad for the bad things that has done, a bad person does not contact people from the past to ask for forgiveness, has no conscience, does not regret, a bad person does not contact another again and again to see how they are doing..that's what people want you to believe and you believe that but the truth is you really aren't, I've met people before who really are, but you have no idea of what it's really like to be a bad person, and I'm sorry too, because you can't even do it right. You can fool everyone, but not me.

July 7, 2024

Sunday

I want myself back, I miss myself… I want to be with myself again and do things right this time… I miss myself so much that I need to forgive myself, for letting myself go through this knowing I was suffering and I still wanted to be there, into the shithole I forced myself to get into...

July 5, 2024

Friday

Even with all the pain in my heart I can say that I can finally start to feel peace with myself after all, and start to think about how things were from the beginning… maybe I shouldn't do it very often every day, but it helps me a little to heal the pain. I'm starting to feel happy again…and love myself a little again…I love myself…even with this momentary sadness that bombards my head a couple of times during the day.

June 30, 2024

Sunday

I know you will say that I never learn, but after break up this thursday for the fourth time I fell into this void again, when I had recovered in a certain way since the last time...now i'm more broken.

I don't want to lie, but I always had the illusion that each time things would turn out well and better than the last, but clearly not for him. He was honest with me, he said that since the second time we came back together that "spark" ended, a spark that he himself broke and that somehow I always had it until the end… and a part of me still has it. He tried to convince himself that every time we came back that spark could come back again, but it wasn't like that, he wasn't "well".

He told me at the end that he is not ready for a serious relationship, he likes his loneliness, that he doesn't know how to really be in a relationship and that commitment is not his thing…he made me fall into this spiral with spikes and made me feel miserable, It's so selfish, so cruel, that coldness of his and the way he said it…"I prefer to continue alone for that reason I better not do my part because if I try to do my part it will become real and I will get extremely attached and it will hurt when we break up in the future for anything and I better avoid that pain". Having that cynicism of telling me that "it will only hurt for a while, then you can move on like me, yes it hurts, it burns, you feel like something was lost but eventually you will heal and everything will return to normal, I've already been there, I know what it's like, apart from that, you're stronger than me, you'll get through without problems." "I know I betrayed you, I betrayed everything."

He was so mean to me as if I was nothing to him, maybe I have always been nothing to him and it's hard to accept it. I don't know what I feel, but I do know that i'm heartbroken. Can't read those hurtful things again, it's too much. How can someone cause you so much pain and act like they didn't do anything to you and just keep their lives together, clean and no regrets?

June 14, 2024

Friday

I wish he had gotten to know me better and realized that I'm a good person to hang out with, talk to and joke around with… it's a shame it was all lost so quickly, like we never had enough chance to get to know each other better like good friends know each other, I really feel bad about that, like he missed a lot more things about me, my personality, my charisma, everything that i could have been more open and not forced like with the rest of the people I know or I came to know, and I think that's one of the reasons why it hurts so much, the time… the time we just rushed from the beginning and we both thought it was the right thing to do at the moment, but now we know it definitely wasn't… I'll try not to do that again… but maybe I tried to do all that because I really liked him from the beginning when I met him and I just wanted to be perfect for him, to be the only girl for him, the only one who it could have brought him joy, the fullest joy of his life… All those things in common, ways of thinking, shared feelings, a little bit of shared thoughts. Everything could have been perfect, but we lost each other so quickly that I really miss it… but what I'm sure of now is that if we met again we would do the exact same thing.

I don't regret that part at all, but isn't it strange? having mixed feelings about what it could have been like if we had done the right things at the time, just not rushing to be together, to belong to each other so quickly. And that is a confession that I have wanted to say for a long time, you can't rush things to turn out well because in the end there may be secrets and that part of the truth can screw you, and in a very big and raw way, and the sad thing is I can confirm that.

June 9, 2024

Sunday We broke up for third time.

He´s broken and I think I always knew from the beginning, but I tried to convince myself that I could help him enough if he loved me enough. I feel dead inside but i think it was the right thing in the end, can't let him go completely so i hope keep in touch at least. I don't think I've ever loved someone like him before, maybe i am one of those women from the book "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood, It's about women like me who think we can fix someone with the strength of love but we're only hurting and dragging ourselves deeply into them and that's when we start to lose ourselves for someone who in the end isn't really worth it. I do love him, i really do but it was too much and one of the worst parts is that i let myself behind. I wish him the best, i really do, but time really destroys everything. i feel with mixed feelings, but i hope and i beg life to give me enough time to forget him…. I'm starting to think that maybe he never loved me…i was just a part of him, probably a very small part of him and i´m hurt, i feel abused. Will he go to therapy? I don't know. Will he recover soon or in this life? I don't know and a part of me doubts he will, but i hope he can find happiness and forgive himself one day, like every human we deserve another chance and start over and over again…

I need to start working on myself, my eating disorder and depression…i will try to quit smoking too and go to the gym, that might help and i do really want to change. A friend told me today that maybe this time between him and me will be for the better, each of us working separately with our own demons and being better, trying to be better from that, she was right.

It was an experience? Definitely and a tough one, cold and new one. Do i regret it? Sometimes but i wanted to be there. Stupid, stupid me…

June 5, 2024

Wednesday This all ended for good I guess, I can quite understand some parts and things about him, but I recognize that he has problems, even more than I thought he would have or has… I could come back to him every time over and over again, i don't care the cost of it, it is really hard, difficult to stop being attached to someone, I just can't let him go, but after all this deep sadness inside me, I stay positive and mostly at peace… maybe it was for the best yes, but I still have hope that things can be better between us, I am able to beg life again for another chance with me, beg…he is the problem I know, but I was always there for him, good or bad even when he hurt me and said hurtful things to me the other night…he says I shouldn't think about it anymore and I think that's what I should do.

June 4, 2024

Tuesday

I begged life for another chance with him, my prayers were heard… but I still feel that emptiness inside me and he has been somewhat distant and indifferent to me, I can't handle that, can't stand it. I love him very much, he is partly all I have ever wanted but he has not done what he promised me he would change, I feel sad and disappointed too, I don't want this to end but it is difficult to be able to control what someone thinks and does, who should be more open as a person with you, it hurts a lot.

May 28, 2024

Tuesday

3 days has passing by since we broke up, i do feel sad, disappointed and mostly useless…He was pretty much everything i wanted but in the end he told me hurtful things to me and i don't know what to think for now…everything happens and happens for a reason but i didn't want it this way. Some part of me wanted to this work out but the other part just wanted it to end, it hurts and it hurts to say it but it was the best…too much pain during the weeks, week after week i just felt betrayed by him but also loved in some way, maybe in his own way that in the end was not enough. Do i miss him? Yes. Some memories do kill you and screw your mind, that's what i do hate the most, when someone you liked a lot just vanishes from you only to go back to being a stranger as if nothing had happened… Was this really an experience or did I really screw it up? I guess i will never know completely what i just did wrong. Do my feelings were too heavy or he just felt the same way I did, that all of this that once was beautiful suddenly become a shi.tty relationship with lies and dishonesty? I just can't forget the smell of him and his body for now, I still have his shirt but it really hurts just looking at it, even the posters of him that I hate them (Halo and Gears) and him at the same time. Most of the time I'm not even sure if he really loved me or if I was part of some kind of experiment he did or am I too screwed to really believe him or anyone? Life, i begging you giving me another chance with him, i could maybe do things right this time…but i do also know it wasn't my fault at all, he made some mistakes and i do know why but i just don't want to remember those hurtful things he told me again, it's too much for now and too much inside me, even if I don't say it out loud, I do really hope a message from him, telling me to give us another chance…I'm still hoping that one day he comes back…and what screw me the most is letting him go, thinking he will find someone better than me, just can't handle it, it kills me deep inside, i hate myself so much right now and sometimes i hate him too, i really do, you have no idea.