July 5, 2024

July 5, 2024

Friday

Even with all the pain in my heart I can say that I can finally start to feel peace with myself after all, and start to think about how things were from the beginning… maybe I shouldn't do it very often every day, but it helps me a little to heal the pain. I'm starting to feel happy again…and love myself a little again…I love myself…even with this momentary sadness that bombards my head a couple of times during the day.

June 5, 2024

Wednesday This all ended for good I guess, I can quite understand some parts and things about him, but I recognize that he has problems, even more than I thought he would have or has… I could come back to him every time over and over again, i don't care the cost of it, it is really hard, difficult to stop being attached to someone, I just can't let him go, but after all this deep sadness inside me, I stay positive and mostly at peace… maybe it was for the best yes, but I still have hope that things can be better between us, I am able to beg life again for another chance with me, beg…he is the problem I know, but I was always there for him, good or bad even when he hurt me and said hurtful things to me the other night…he says I shouldn't think about it anymore and I think that's what I should do.

June 9, 2024

Sunday We broke up for third time.

He´s broken and I think I always knew from the beginning, but I tried to convince myself that I could help him enough if he loved me enough. I feel dead inside but i think it was the right thing in the end, can't let him go completely so i hope keep in touch at least. I don't think I've ever loved someone like him before, maybe i am one of those women from the book "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood, It's about women like me who think we can fix someone with the strength of love but we're only hurting and dragging ourselves deeply into them and that's when we start to lose ourselves for someone who in the end isn't really worth it. I do love him, i really do but it was too much and one of the worst parts is that i let myself behind. I wish him the best, i really do, but time really destroys everything. i feel with mixed feelings, but i hope and i beg life to give me enough time to forget him…. I'm starting to think that maybe he never loved me…i was just a part of him, probably a very small part of him and i´m hurt, i feel abused. Will he go to therapy? I don't know. Will he recover soon or in this life? I don't know and a part of me doubts he will, but i hope he can find happiness and forgive himself one day, like every human we deserve another chance and start over and over again…

I need to start working on myself, my eating disorder and depression…i will try to quit smoking too and go to the gym, that might help and i do really want to change. A friend told me today that maybe this time between him and me will be for the better, each of us working separately with our own demons and being better, trying to be better from that, she was right.

It was an experience? Definitely and a tough one, cold and new one. Do i regret it? Sometimes but i wanted to be there. Stupid, stupid me…

June 14, 2024

Friday

I wish he had gotten to know me better and realized that I'm a good person to hang out with, talk to and joke around with… it's a shame it was all lost so quickly, like we never had enough chance to get to know each other better like good friends know each other, I really feel bad about that, like he missed a lot more things about me, my personality, my charisma, everything that i could have been more open and not forced like with the rest of the people I know or I came to know, and I think that's one of the reasons why it hurts so much, the time… the time we just rushed from the beginning and we both thought it was the right thing to do at the moment, but now we know it definitely wasn't… I'll try not to do that again… but maybe I tried to do all that because I really liked him from the beginning when I met him and I just wanted to be perfect for him, to be the only girl for him, the only one who it could have brought him joy, the fullest joy of his life… All those things in common, ways of thinking, shared feelings, a little bit of shared thoughts. Everything could have been perfect, but we lost each other so quickly that I really miss it… but what I'm sure of now is that if we met again we would do the exact same thing.

I don't regret that part at all, but isn't it strange? having mixed feelings about what it could have been like if we had done the right things at the time, just not rushing to be together, to belong to each other so quickly. And that is a confession that I have wanted to say for a long time, you can't rush things to turn out well because in the end there may be secrets and that part of the truth can screw you, and in a very big and raw way, and the sad thing is I can confirm that.

June 30, 2024

Sunday

I know you will say that I never learn, but after break up this thursday for the fourth time I fell into this void again, when I had recovered in a certain way since the last time...now i'm more broken.

I don't want to lie, but I always had the illusion that each time things would turn out well and better than the last, but clearly not for him. He was honest with me, he said that since the second time we came back together that "spark" ended, a spark that he himself broke and that somehow I always had it until the end… and a part of me still has it. He tried to convince himself that every time we came back that spark could come back again, but it wasn't like that, he wasn't "well".

He told me at the end that he is not ready for a serious relationship, he likes his loneliness, that he doesn't know how to really be in a relationship and that commitment is not his thing…he made me fall into this spiral with spikes and made me feel miserable, It's so selfish, so cruel, that coldness of his and the way he said it…"I prefer to continue alone for that reason I better not do my part because if I try to do my part it will become real and I will get extremely attached and it will hurt when we break up in the future for anything and I better avoid that pain". Having that cynicism of telling me that "it will only hurt for a while, then you can move on like me, yes it hurts, it burns, you feel like something was lost but eventually you will heal and everything will return to normal, I've already been there, I know what it's like, apart from that, you're stronger than me, you'll get through without problems." "I know I betrayed you, I betrayed everything."

He was so mean to me as if I was nothing to him, maybe I have always been nothing to him and it's hard to accept it. I don't know what I feel, but I do know that i'm heartbroken. Can't read those hurtful things again, it's too much. How can someone cause you so much pain and act like they didn't do anything to you and just keep their lives together, clean and no regrets?