I'm Not Sure If L've Ever Loved In My Life.

I'm not sure if l've ever loved in my life.

I only know that I was completely satisfied with you for the first time and I felt safe. Near you, I wasn't afraid of the future because I knew I had you by my side forever. It has never been so calm in my head.

And now you're gone and I'm learning to fear again. The fear of never being happy again and having to face the horror of this world alone.

staring at the "I think it's best if we stop talking" text I sent as I'm crying my eyes out knowing damn well I don't wanna live without him but it's for the best..

hope for the best - prepare for the worst

“That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”

— Charles Bukowski, Women

You have always been one of the strong people, grew up in good circumstances and yet a weakness has developed year after year. You don't know why, you thought it would pass and it was just a phase. Year after year, day after day and hour by hour. You are happy but somehow you feel an emptiness in you. You have a good job and a good life, can travel and should be happy. But you are alone. And then someone comes who catches you, you feel really safe for the first time and are satisfied with your life and then the person with whom everything felt right disappears from your life and you are at the end. You always break together when you are alone and no one notices it. You are alone.

Before I met you, I swore to myself that I’d never let anyone into my life again. Of all the disappointments in the time before I’d you, I have brought myself back to my old strength. And then you suddenly showed up and I was happy. You brought me back from the hole I was stuck in, even if it was hard at the beginning. You showed me how happy a person can be, how calm the voices in my head can become when we‘re together. And then you let me fall deeper than I’ve could‘ve imagined. How do I get out of here? Will I ever be happy again?