Psychosis Is So Much More Than Hallucinations And Delusions.

Psychosis is so much more than hallucinations and delusions.

It's disorganizing phrases and sentences. Instead of saying "I lost my bag" you end up saying "I bag my lost".

It's saying something out loud and hearing it echo in your head, only to completely forget what you said, or why.

It's lacking words and the ability to organize them in a sentence so that they make sense.

It's thinking you wrote something only to find out you wrote something else.

It's suddenly losing track of what you were telling someone, or thinking.

It's unknowingly misreading words, somehow sensing the sentence doesn't make sense, reading it again and realizing you read half the word or a completely different word.

It's your mind going blank and feeling a need to stay still and stare at nothing in particular.

It's repeating words and phrases for no apparent reason.

It's having an insight or remembering something you want/have to do only to lose it within seconds.

It's not being able to tell if something actually happened or it was a dream.

It's not being able to tell if a memory was a dream, a made up story/memory, or an actual situation in which you were experiencing positive symptoms.

It's losing track of time, feeling it goes too slow or too fast, or that it freezes.

Why is it, that the world only looks beautiful when watched from behind a window? The clouds, the trees, they're magnificent if I watch them as an outsider to their world.

The dark

Do you ever feel that great darkness at your core? It's like an ocean, unresting, rippling, crashing waves. Sometimes tho the darkness is calm, only consuming everything in shadow. Other times the waves crash in great bouts of passion and anger. Worse yet when the tide gives way to light for a brief moment, just to devour it again in a great torrent.

Human

Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.

I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.

What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.

This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.

My booklist:

Currently reading:

No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai Human Action by Ludwig von Mises

My already read books (Ranked only by Score):

The Ego and it's own by Max Stirner - 10/10 >Life-altering philosophy, made me readjust my worldview quite a bit 1984 by George Orwell, the Audible Audio Drama version - 10/10 >I have not felt this hard with a protagonist in a long while The Singularity is Nearer by Ray Kurzweil - 10/10 >An inspiring view into the future and what to do with it To Be a Machine by Mark O'Connell - 10/10 >What does it mean to be human or to be an organic machine? Thrawn by Timothy Zahn - 9.5/10 >Thrilling, perfectly written

Ready Player One by Ernest Cline - 8/10 Rome and Germania by Charles River Editors - 8/10 Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams - 7.5/10 Erebos by Ursula Poznanski - 7/10 Diary of a wimpy kid (series) by Jeff Kinney - 7/10 Harry Potter (series) by J.K. Rowling - 6/10 Animal Farm by George Orwell - 6/10 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley - 5.5/10 Antigone by Anouilh - 3.5/10 >Bored me to tears Little Brother by Cory Doctorow - 2/10 >Never read a blunter and more haphazard novel

My list of books I want to read:

Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harari The Icarus Plot by Timothy Zahn Out of the Dark by David Weber The Anarchist Handbook by Michael Malice The Saga of the Volsungs by Jackson Crawford - translator The poetic Edda by Jackson Crawford Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman Man, Economy, and State with Power and Market - Scholar's Edition by Murray N. Rothbard Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

Books I did not finish:

Neuromancer by William Gibson - 3/10 >did not catch my interest Democracy: The God that failed by Hans Hermann Hoppe - 2/10 >an incredibly bad exploration of good ideas

Better

I know I will never get better, the sickness will never go away. All I can do is get stronger, so the shell I have built can withstand the horrors of everyday life, so I can brave the waves of loneliness.