Disasociation - Tumblr Posts

Do you ever just want to burst like a body of water being held back by the weakest cling wrap? And that body of water is your mind and heart and soul? And that cling wrap is your own will power?

In delusions we trust

In delusions we trust

you ever have disassociation in the sense of life is a really nice pretty dream but you know one day you have to wake up so you float through life in a bittersweet mechanical way because you’re haunted by the knowledge that it’s all gonna be gone soon enough despite logically knowing that’s not how this works but your brain is so convinced it is that you can’t really help it anymore? No? Just me?

so how tf does everyone else cope with gender dysphoria then? like if your not constantly heavily disassociated then how do you manage?

Sleepless Lullaby

I've stared at the ceiling the same as you would your own form in the mirror.

Countless times I've felt the light coming swiftly from the curtains like water dripping on my face, always waking me in the deadest of nights. But if only I had you, my muse, to comfort me after the dread of yet living nightmares has scarred me deeply for life is unkind to dreamers. In your love I could only reflect my own, as all fears dissipate like ink.

slow motion

I remember a lot of moments in my childhood were my heart would race, but not uncomfortably so, and the world just slowed down, everyone was happening so slowly. I felt like I had super speed. I didn’t know then that was a symptom of my declining mental health. I don’t feel super anymore

Void

I was born empty, devoid of humanity. In life I learnt to build a shell around the void in pretty colours and nice shapes, a facade to hide the emptiness in my soul.

But that shell, it never fits quite right, it's always wrong, there's a shape it's supposed to be, a way it's supposed to look like, but I do not know what that would be. So I keep crafting, painting, changing, never happy with it.

Real

What am I missing that others have so naturally? Is it a simple unspoken fact, that I was never taught? Is it a soul, the very essence that makes someone real? Why am I not a real person? How can people look at me like I do not exist, like I should not exist? How can I miss something I never had?

Human

Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.

I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.

What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.

This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.

joke

Everything has to be a joke, any word a jest, or else this is seriously the world we live in and this is seriously the kind of miserable entity I am. So no I won’t take things seriously, because I would honestly commit that one specific thing, if I had to be serious for a whole day. I have to dissociate for my own good.