I Have A Habit, Everytime Life Slams Me Down I Running Here. Writing Out My Feelings And Let It Untangle

I have a habit, everytime life slams me down I running here. Writing out my feelings and let it untangle out of me like letting the toxin out of my body. Maybe here is because i have no audience. Most of the time, I write only for myself. Though right here the sound of my words always came out echoing because of it's absence of witnesses. Sometimes it's liberating, sometimes it's frustrating.

It's hard being honest for myself and even harder to those around me. All this time, i try to make sense of my fear. And always came back fearful. The thing i learn about fear is that even if you know how it came, why it exist in you and how you shall end it, it always goes back around to the feeling of fear itself. It always presents as a never ending cycle. I guess all the time, education, friends and everything did nothing to my process of came out of the state of fear. I always know it's not about a sudden leap of bravery. Being brave and freeing yourself from fear is different although it's always hand in hand, heavily linked to each other. Why i dread the thought of really present myself, my one true self with all my condition into my world? I do know. I dont know. The answer is a blur. Sometimes, i would just hope that someone, anyone would be able to pull me out of the water. Im tired of drowning. Alone. But i know better that it's not going to work that way. But, im tired, im tired, im tired. Tired to be so fearful, tired to have to worry everything, tired to always want everthing i shouldnt, tired to always hide, tired to always thinking the solution, tired to always compete to survive, tired of having no one to talks about this, tired to thinking im facing this alone, tired of wanting to live like them when i know im not born that way, tired of pretending like them, tired of how shameful i am, tired of not fighting back, tired of how i always worry everyone, tired of their expectation of me, tired of my expectation on myself. im tired of being myself. I am.

It's the moment i always thought why people like me be bother and even encourage to dream big, to pursue everything when its easier to live whatever it is thrown my way? People like me dont have that much choices dont we? I dont know why i write this. I dont know.

Ke Senayan

23 September 2019. Sehari sebelum RKUHP dan segala UU ngawur lainnya disahkan, aku berada di kamar kos. Memperhatikan dan memantau teman-temanku yang turun ke jalan lewat timeline. Sempat terbersit di pikiranku, "ah sudahlah, mari kita ikut ke Senayan!" Namun aku sadar. Di detik berikutnya aku mendengar suara kecil di belakang, "memang kamu punya uang ke sana?" Seketika piring bekas mi instan itu seperti mengolok-olok ke arahku. Menghantam dengan lelucon bernama realita hidup yang hingga detik ini kujalani.

Aku teringat ibu di rumah. Yang beberapa hari lalu mengirimkan pesan singkat padaku. Menanyakan kabar yang kujawab singkat dan dengan singkat pula komunikasi itu berakhir. Tanpa tedeng aling-aling. Tanpa ada pertanyaan basa-basi. Tanpa ada ucapan yang ternyata aku tunggu keluarnya dari ketikan ibu. Mungkin jika aku turun ke jalan dan terseok sampai Senayan ibuku tidak akan tahu. Persis seperti perasaanku yang hingga tahun ke-21 hanya teredam bersama raga yang kabur ke Ibukota.

Mari kembali ke persoalan utama, pikiranku berkontemplasi mengenai apakah aku perlu ke Senayan. Dari timeline telah kulihat banyak mahasiswa kampusku yang berdiri teguh dan berorasi dengan berapi-api. Masih perlukah aku ke Senayan? Jika mahasiswa-mahasiswa sudah merelakan pendidikannya untuk mengetukkan kewarasan pada mereka yang bernama Dewan. Jika para aktivis telah duduk dan tidur dan orasi dan marah serta kecewa di depan Senayan?

Masih perlukah aku ke Senayan? Jika aku hanya ingin mempunyai jawaban atas pertanyaan, "dimana kamu pada 23 September 2019 saat Reformasi tengah dikorupsi?" Yang mungkin saja akan ditanyakan oleh anak cucuku? Tentu saja dengan catatan jika Bumi masih dapat menampung peradaban manusia 50 tahun lagi.

Jika aku ketinggalan informasi mengenai pasal berapa dan apa implikasinya pada kehidupan Demokrasi Indonesia, apakah aku masih perlu ke Senayan? Jika akhir-akhir ini kesadaranku hanya berputar dan berputar pada tugas yang masih aku pertanyakan relevansinya, bukankah aku seharusnya lebih mencermati dan memelototi pasal-pasal itu? Justru aku berada di kamar ini, di depan laptop yang sudah kelelahan menemani aku melakukan pembataian terhadap otakku sendiri.

Masih perlukah aku ke Senayan jika Senayan sudah tidak diperlukan lagi? Isi Senayan hanya angin kotor dan asap berdebu yang tidak bisa mereka selesaikan sendiri.

Sometimes i just want to be around people. Not necesserily my closed one. Have that party with few persons. Eat good foods, have amazing cake, some drinks, talks, few games, listen some good music or watch some movies. I guess i just need their presence and maybe their auras so i can feel that im alive.

Sometimes i purposely make myself cry like deliberately rewatch the episode where Rachel and Ross were breaking up

I just realized that i dont really want to work for some companies when i sent email this morning. Imagined how doomed i was to not be able to succumb to the standardized imaginary vision of comfortable success in the life of an average adult. I just really fear the concept of working, search for a job, making CV, compete, this and that. It got worst because its already final year of college. I just cant imagine myself working in office like environment helPpP. So in other words, i actually glad i dont have to do internship this holiday. The more i read Murakami the more i like to be one of his odd characters or just living his laid back life really. I actually dreamed of being a writer back in the days. But hey now im just a rly dysfunctional adults unable to do anything. So do you know that many things in my life always take turns like one day i like chocolate and now i despise that and once i hate sandra bullock and now im watching every one of her movies. Like do you get what i meant? Im afraid that one day i get off from some office and regret it or the other way around because nothing is forever. But this is my life and my mode to making money we are talking about. I cant afford any other financial uncertainties in my life. God somehow i want to dissappear all at once. And reincarnate as a flying bison or water. That would be useful right and easy and dont have to worry about world's injustice and making money and all the shit. I really like long words do i?

I just sent a job application today. It's a part time job to be a shop assistant in a sandals store. Their design is original and ive been following them for a while. Anyway their product is cool i guess. When i sent the email somehow i felt satisfied but It really freaks me out, the whole process. Sometimes i wonder if a witch passed by would she dare to turn me into teapot?