Sometimes I Just Want To Be Around People. Not Necesserily My Closed One. Have That Party With Few Persons.

Sometimes i just want to be around people. Not necesserily my closed one. Have that party with few persons. Eat good foods, have amazing cake, some drinks, talks, few games, listen some good music or watch some movies. I guess i just need their presence and maybe their auras so i can feel that im alive.

I take it's heat vs nets in the east. Unless celtics become more resilient than what they appear to be, it's a clean path. and yes im forgetting bucks purposely.

I just realized that i dont really want to work for some companies when i sent email this morning. Imagined how doomed i was to not be able to succumb to the standardized imaginary vision of comfortable success in the life of an average adult. I just really fear the concept of working, search for a job, making CV, compete, this and that. It got worst because its already final year of college. I just cant imagine myself working in office like environment helPpP. So in other words, i actually glad i dont have to do internship this holiday. The more i read Murakami the more i like to be one of his odd characters or just living his laid back life really. I actually dreamed of being a writer back in the days. But hey now im just a rly dysfunctional adults unable to do anything. So do you know that many things in my life always take turns like one day i like chocolate and now i despise that and once i hate sandra bullock and now im watching every one of her movies. Like do you get what i meant? Im afraid that one day i get off from some office and regret it or the other way around because nothing is forever. But this is my life and my mode to making money we are talking about. I cant afford any other financial uncertainties in my life. God somehow i want to dissappear all at once. And reincarnate as a flying bison or water. That would be useful right and easy and dont have to worry about world's injustice and making money and all the shit. I really like long words do i?

On Early Morning and McDonalds

There is something magical about early morning. To me its fresh wind and spurt of color slowly seeping in the sky is like a revival. And it left me awestruck. Sometimes i just sat or stand still, almost like trying to absorb every aspect of the moment and its magic then spreading it to entire cells of my body. Breath life into it.

Throughout my college years, it is a habit to spend the night in McDonalds. First, it was just because we got bored and we felt stuck working on our assignments in dorms. So we were searching for a nearby place where we can get free wifi, electricity and places that opened 24 hour. Why 24 hour? Because when we working on assignments it will take hours. Courtesy to our procrastination skills, difficult subject, lots of reading and journals searching and just writing general.

And why McDonalds? First of all, there's no study place, public library or working space that available 24 hours in this area. Or this country for that matters. And second, we like to eat. You know thinking requires energy and energy comes from foods. Or we just happened to enjoy eat so much.

But later in time, it become a habit to be in McDonalds from afternoon until the morning. Sometimes we do study, group project, just hangout and gossiping and telling stories till we get too sleepy or just because McDonalds held a GoPay Payday. And just like the victim of consumption culture shaped by capitalist economy we are, we rushed there and spend our money (or the electronic one) for hours.

Therefore my magical morning most of the time is spend and experienced in McDonalds or its parking lot to be exact. A little bit ironic isnt it to feel such magical moment in very common building that holds nothing magical in its historic sense apart from its capability to damage our environment by its mode of production and we still very much love its foods. As if we turn blind under a spell, that sounds like what a magic do to me.

Today, i remember something that i used to hold on to years ago. You see, growing up i used to get sick a lot. Toothache, pneumonia, appendicitis and all that. For a child it was a big deal. Each time when im in pain, i cried i cried i cried. Until im tired because i never get used to the pain. Even now when im 21 of age. Im tired to feeling in pain and i couldnt get used to its painfullness of pain. Its like everytime you are in pain it became youre first time, the pain is unchangingly painful. And amidst all this i always thought the worst thing but i never said it to my parents. Its like i always taught myself to be fearless even in times of hardship when all i really want is someone to held me close. Thoughts like will i ever heal? will this be my last day living? will this continue forever? what if i have to live with this pain for the rest of my life? Am i dying? But funny thing is i was never thought i could really die. And somehow when i was thinking of all that, the pain became a little dulled. Maybe it was because i overwhelmed by worried that my focus has shifted from feeling the physical pain to worrying it only in my head. Skidip skidip skidipap and then i arrived at the thought that maybe this is all temporary. There will be times when it's over right? That my wounds will heal, the bleeding will stop, the virus will dead, the fever will cool down, the meds will work its way, and the pain will go away. It cant always going on like never ending road. There must be the end. And that my friends is the moment where i began to think of how i would heal. Making different scenarios of how to get healthy again. Try noticing the distinction between the pain today and yesterday. Try to eat diligently. Try to fight rather just wallow in pain and defeated.

Right now in 21 years of living, i missed having that thought. Lately, i do give in easily because i tired of trying. Like im bored of trying. And that's a problem.

Depok, 21 of june 2020.

Third month of quarantine.

17 September 2019

Pada pukul 8:56 17 September 2019, sehari setelah ulang tahunku yang ke-21 aku sadar. Tentang mengapa aku tidak akan berkembang disini. Ini memang menarik tetapi aku sendiri pesimis tentang progres positif yang akan dihasilkan negeri ini perihal kejahatan. Atau mungkin sejak awal aku memang melihat kejahatan sebagai sesuatu yang sulit dibenahi. Sehingga aku pun semakin kesini semakin bingung dan acuh. Atau gabungan dari keduanya