Today, I Remember Something That I Used To Hold On To Years Ago. You See, Growing Up I Used To Get Sick

Today, i remember something that i used to hold on to years ago. You see, growing up i used to get sick a lot. Toothache, pneumonia, appendicitis and all that. For a child it was a big deal. Each time when im in pain, i cried i cried i cried. Until im tired because i never get used to the pain. Even now when im 21 of age. Im tired to feeling in pain and i couldnt get used to its painfullness of pain. Its like everytime you are in pain it became youre first time, the pain is unchangingly painful. And amidst all this i always thought the worst thing but i never said it to my parents. Its like i always taught myself to be fearless even in times of hardship when all i really want is someone to held me close. Thoughts like will i ever heal? will this be my last day living? will this continue forever? what if i have to live with this pain for the rest of my life? Am i dying? But funny thing is i was never thought i could really die. And somehow when i was thinking of all that, the pain became a little dulled. Maybe it was because i overwhelmed by worried that my focus has shifted from feeling the physical pain to worrying it only in my head. Skidip skidip skidipap and then i arrived at the thought that maybe this is all temporary. There will be times when it's over right? That my wounds will heal, the bleeding will stop, the virus will dead, the fever will cool down, the meds will work its way, and the pain will go away. It cant always going on like never ending road. There must be the end. And that my friends is the moment where i began to think of how i would heal. Making different scenarios of how to get healthy again. Try noticing the distinction between the pain today and yesterday. Try to eat diligently. Try to fight rather just wallow in pain and defeated.

Right now in 21 years of living, i missed having that thought. Lately, i do give in easily because i tired of trying. Like im bored of trying. And that's a problem.

Depok, 21 of june 2020.

Third month of quarantine.

It becoming a bad habit. Everytime i woke up after catching a glimpse of you, i run here. Giving your eyes, smile and laugh a body of words, senteces, and a little bit of my leftover feeling. This time we weren't in the station, this time we were home. But you were always in a rush. You ran there, you walked here and never in my direction. Is this how the story ended? Sadly yes.

April 10, 2020

Berakar lalu mati

Seperti selayaknya tanaman, aku hidup. Menancapkan akar-akarku dengan kuat ke temanku, Tanah. Tanah dan aku suka bercengkrama. Kami berbicara dengan bahasa hara. Tanah sehat, aku pun tumbuh. Pernah sekali Tanah bercanda, kalau seperti ini aku akan semakin cantik. Mekar, indah dan mungkin akan menjadi anugerah. Tanah takut, aku pergi. Suatu hari tanah sebal, sebab aku pergi dan tak kembali. Dia kesal karena aku sekarang meninggalkannya. Tanah juga takut luruh tauk! Kata dia. Aku sendiri pun takut, berada di toko-toko yang ampun sesaknya ini. Air tidak sehebat tanah. Ia tak bisa bahasa hara. Akhirnya aku hanya menunggu, yah sambil berganti rumah tentunya. Hari ini genap 2 hari aku meninggalkan Tanah, di jendela ini aku hanya bisa memandang sosok hitam kokoh yang membujur dari ujung ke ujung itu. Kota ini indah, tapi tidak seindah Tanahku. Ah sudahlah.

23 Januari 2020

On Early Morning and McDonalds

There is something magical about early morning. To me its fresh wind and spurt of color slowly seeping in the sky is like a revival. And it left me awestruck. Sometimes i just sat or stand still, almost like trying to absorb every aspect of the moment and its magic then spreading it to entire cells of my body. Breath life into it.

Throughout my college years, it is a habit to spend the night in McDonalds. First, it was just because we got bored and we felt stuck working on our assignments in dorms. So we were searching for a nearby place where we can get free wifi, electricity and places that opened 24 hour. Why 24 hour? Because when we working on assignments it will take hours. Courtesy to our procrastination skills, difficult subject, lots of reading and journals searching and just writing general.

And why McDonalds? First of all, there's no study place, public library or working space that available 24 hours in this area. Or this country for that matters. And second, we like to eat. You know thinking requires energy and energy comes from foods. Or we just happened to enjoy eat so much.

But later in time, it become a habit to be in McDonalds from afternoon until the morning. Sometimes we do study, group project, just hangout and gossiping and telling stories till we get too sleepy or just because McDonalds held a GoPay Payday. And just like the victim of consumption culture shaped by capitalist economy we are, we rushed there and spend our money (or the electronic one) for hours.

Therefore my magical morning most of the time is spend and experienced in McDonalds or its parking lot to be exact. A little bit ironic isnt it to feel such magical moment in very common building that holds nothing magical in its historic sense apart from its capability to damage our environment by its mode of production and we still very much love its foods. As if we turn blind under a spell, that sounds like what a magic do to me.

I have a habit, everytime life slams me down I running here. Writing out my feelings and let it untangle out of me like letting the toxin out of my body. Maybe here is because i have no audience. Most of the time, I write only for myself. Though right here the sound of my words always came out echoing because of it's absence of witnesses. Sometimes it's liberating, sometimes it's frustrating.

It's hard being honest for myself and even harder to those around me. All this time, i try to make sense of my fear. And always came back fearful. The thing i learn about fear is that even if you know how it came, why it exist in you and how you shall end it, it always goes back around to the feeling of fear itself. It always presents as a never ending cycle. I guess all the time, education, friends and everything did nothing to my process of came out of the state of fear. I always know it's not about a sudden leap of bravery. Being brave and freeing yourself from fear is different although it's always hand in hand, heavily linked to each other. Why i dread the thought of really present myself, my one true self with all my condition into my world? I do know. I dont know. The answer is a blur. Sometimes, i would just hope that someone, anyone would be able to pull me out of the water. Im tired of drowning. Alone. But i know better that it's not going to work that way. But, im tired, im tired, im tired. Tired to be so fearful, tired to have to worry everything, tired to always want everthing i shouldnt, tired to always hide, tired to always thinking the solution, tired to always compete to survive, tired of having no one to talks about this, tired to thinking im facing this alone, tired of wanting to live like them when i know im not born that way, tired of pretending like them, tired of how shameful i am, tired of not fighting back, tired of how i always worry everyone, tired of their expectation of me, tired of my expectation on myself. im tired of being myself. I am.

It's the moment i always thought why people like me be bother and even encourage to dream big, to pursue everything when its easier to live whatever it is thrown my way? People like me dont have that much choices dont we? I dont know why i write this. I dont know.

Twitter gets boring lately. Too many fucked up politics, too many disheartening news, too many hateful people.