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Ordinarily, parent pigeons will begin producing ‘crop milk’ to feed their chicks shortly before the eggs hatch. One of the more horrifying implementations of this nurturing exudate can be found in the Luzon Bleeding-heart dove. Incapable of regurgitation, these birds peck a small hole through their own torso in order to allow their young access to the crop. Thankfully baby bleeding-hearts only need this for a period of two weeks before they are grown enough for small caterpillars and seeds, at which point the wound is allowed to close.

Despite not actually being members of family Corvidae, Grackles will (when asked) claim both Ravens and Crows as their older and younger siblings respectively. Curiously, this delusion seems so ingrained in these prevaricators that they often exhibit signs of ‘middle child syndrome’ and will awkwardly stand off to the side during ‘family’ gatherings or dye their feathers unusual colours in an attempt to garner scraps of attention. Despite this atypical mindset, Grackles are otherwise generally well-adjusted and The Academy of Bird Sciences recommends birders without doctorates in applied avian psychology not pry overmuch into their lineage.

Perhaps the most depressed bird in it’s entire clade, the White-Winged Tern lives a life of deep, unending sorrow. Starting from their first breaths as they hatch out of an egg with an unnecessarily-thick shell, this bird must struggle daily with obstacle after seemingly-insurmountable obstacle. Despite an endless litany of bad luck, abuse, and a lack of understanding from other birds, the White-Winged Tern is still able to muster a facade of happiness in order to deflect well-intentioned but ultimately useless advice.

And yet, it moves. No matter how bad things are, no matter how unbearable the pain, this bird continues on. In many cases, it clings to life through the desire to spare friends and family the pain of their loss. Sometimes, it is able to do this long enough for it to find its own reason to keep living. In any event, if you are suffering right now please know that I believe in you. I know how dark and terrible the world can be, but more importantly I know you can survive it. 

I may be simply a weird intern at what I’m increasingly certain is a tax avoidance scam, but I fight my own monsters just to keep waking up in the morning and I know you can too.

Hunting through echolocation, the Bird of Paradise is one of the most distinctive birds on the planet. Also known as ‘Flower Cranes’ for their distinct colouration and nesting area, these ambush predators can often be found lurking amidst broad-leafed plants. The concave feathers atop their heads act as pinna, channeling even the minutest of sounds straight into the auditory meatus. While many Birds of Paradise in captivity present with only two such feathers, wild specimens have been observed with twelve or more. It is hypothesized that the number of pinna-feathers is inversely proportional to the availability of food; the working theory is that a ‘target rich’ environment requires less precision.

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Known to humanity since at least 2100 BCE, Aloe “plants” are the hardy intrusions of an extradimensional Outer God whose name has been lost to time. Filled with a healing ichor, the tentacles of this eldritch entity are kept in kitchens and bedrooms throughout the world as a quick remedy for minor burns and acne. While some may question the wisdom of imprisoning and periodically tearing off the limbs of a being whose totality remains utterly incomprehensible, authorities insist that nothing bad has happened yet.

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Much like their terrestrial cousins, Sea Cucumbers are filthy filthy kinksters. Having exhausted most conventional fetishes, these prodigously perverted fish have resorted to developing new and unconventional predelictions to sate their holothurian hunger. Above, a sea cucumber takes a break from allowing fish to live in their anus by partaking in a cucumber-vanilla 'vore' scene.

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Armoured to the core, Eastern American Toads are a surprising subspecies of the generally more toad-like American Toad. Unlike their close cousins who remain soft and jumpsome their entire lives, these armoured amphibians undergo a second metamorphosis after spending several months on land. During the first winter hibernation, the hinged keratinous ‘overshell’ and a retractible neck is developed, allowing these toads to withdraw to safety should danger approach.

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The third-cleverest of all the fishes, Salmon have developed a unique style of feeding. Rather than hunt underwater as normal, these fish will precariously perch on the edge of waterfalls and simply wait for the annual migration of grizzlies to arrive. Exhausted by chasing each other up waterfalls, the sodden bears make an easy meal for these intelligent icthyids.

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Red-sided snakes are one of the most ostentatious ophidians found in California. Often spotted at open auditions and waiting tables, these unusually accented slitherers will divulge a rich personal history when asked about themselves. While they have yet to see their big break, they remain confident in a bright future.

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An integral part of modern chocolate manufacture, Cacao grubs are deliberately introduced to the seedpods of the Theobroma cacao tree. These bulbous larvae will consume the interior of the pod, moderating the flavor of the cacao beans in a manner not unlike that of Kopi luwak. After ‘fermenting’, the Cacao grubs are roasted alive and flesh scraped away to reveal perfectly flavored ‘nibs’ of naturally produced chocolate.

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Ghost Crabs are (as their name suggests) the spirits of murdered crabs bent on revenge. Given physical form by voluminous levels of hatred, these belligerent Brachyura spend every waking moment of their new lives hunting down those who wronged them. Curiously, the most common cause of this hellbent vengeance is “disrespectful treatment of earthly remains” and not “being murdered” so one would be well-advised to avoid crab feasts.

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Intensely territorial, Marmots rival Killdeer in terrifyingly murderous defense of their homes. Luckily for most humans these savage Sciurids tend to live in mountains, so lethal encounters are quite rare. That said if you are ever hiking you should avoid rocky areas as they are prime real estate for Marmot dens.

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First revealed as a hoax perpetrated by Carl Linnaeus in 1758, Great Bitterns continue to be reported by novice birdwatchers an astonishing two and a half centuries later. This peculiar endurance is in large part due to veteran birders building replicas out of feathers, discarded beaks, and particularly hostile rocks to fool credulous newbies. Unfortunately for prank-hearted birding mentors, this practice is dying out as the newest generation of birdwatchers can trivially fact-check their existence through the use of internet-connected pocket telephones.

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Intruders from an elseworld where all fish look like that, Mola Mola can barely cope in our oceans. Unaccustomed to a vast and boundless ocean full of jerks, these aesthetically anomalous fish are the targets of relentless bullying by practically everything else that dwells in the sea. To date efforts to curb this hurtful behaviour from the more pugnacious pelagics have been met with failure, and Mola Mola continue to be harassed.

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Unusual among birds, the Kea of New Zealand are gifted mechanics and can often be found performing routine maintenance on vehicles that park in their territory. These skilled Strigopidae have a particular fondness for replacing aged weatherstripping, but if allowed time and materials they are capable of a full engine rebuilds. In the photograph above, a team of Kea begin the simple task of windscreen wiper replacement.

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Australian scientists in Queensland have developed what may be an effective treatment for koala chlamydia, ending a scourge that has plagued these perverted Phascolarctidae for centuries. It is hoped this vaccine will help where other government programs (like the unfortunately ineffective poster series encouraging young male koalas to use prophylactic measures) have failed. Whether the koalas will give up their debauched sexual practices in favour of regular testing and vaccination remains to be seen.

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Mock-the-King Birds (now known simply as Mockingbirds) were the genesis of Charles Darwin’s theory of Evolution. Named for their parodic singing and generally irreverent attitude towards royalty, Darwin wrote “these Birds know not their betters, and Mocke his Royal Highness William even as he has done such Good in this world,” eventually concluding there was “not a Spark of the Lord inside them.” After months of wrestling with his faith, he decided these birds were solid evidence there is no God, and that all life was simply the end result of chance mutations accumulated through millions of years.

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Quantum Equinologists were first alerted to the multidimensional parallelity of Horses with the discovery of Takhi Przewalski, a Horse whose sidelives had gathered onto the Mongolian steppes of this worldline. Hypotheses abound regarding their unusual decision to congregate here, ranging from “safety in numbers” to “our worldline has the best grass”. Currently, Takhi is splitting their population between a variety of zoological parks and (as pictured above) the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone.

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Much like the various species of python snakes, Beluga Whales are capable of unhinging their jaws to swallow prey many times the size of their head. This adaptation is rather unusual among marine mammals, and leads to a distinct “lumpy” appearance as recent meals fill out their bodies. Above, a Beluga Whale displays a gentle smile of satisfaction after devouring an entire school of salmon.

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SWAMP DOG, DOG OF THE SWAMPS

hero, painter, stinky, good boy

SWAMP DOG, DOG OF THE SWAMPS

noble, poet, clumpy, friend boy

SWAMP DOG, DOG OF THE SWAMPS

saviour, flautist, dirty, kind boy

SWAMP DOG, DOG OF THE SWAMPS