Could You Love Me While I Hate Myself?

Could you love me while I hate myself?

-Zeph

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My stomach twisted and turned. It felt like my gut was trying to escape my own body—the relentless force of dread and misery. I never wanted it to be this way. I ask myself what went wrong. I blame my childish remarks and naive personality. I blame my need to feel loved. My endless need to need attention on me. To feel like I am needed and wanted. Whether it was real or not. Through desperate texts and made-up fantasies. Am I making you feel sick? Am I too much for you? 

My needs deceived you for love. I love you. I loved you. I loved the idea of love. I loved the light you shone on me. I loved feeling like I was worth something to someone. As much as it is wrong, I loved it. I didn't know. As gullible as I am, I didn't know. Did you? Did you fall for it? Did you know and said nothing? Did nothing? Did nothing as I fed you lies that I thought were truths? Did you ever doubt me? Doubt us?

If so, why? Why do you deny it? Why did you do nothing? Why do you pretend like it was nothing? Did I not hurt you? Why do you fear the truth? You stray away from the truth, why?

Or was it all false on your side as well? Was it a facade? Why do you hide? It seems like you hide behind a facade to reassure yourself that your relationship is what you need. I need help understanding. My delusional thoughts and empathetic mind may be wrong. Maybe I am the wrong one. Maybe I am the murderer. The bad guy. The instigator. If so, tell me. I want to understand you. I want to know how you feel. Yell at me. Curse at me. Tell me that I was wrong. Tell me how much you hate me for what I've done and said. Tell me how you've missed and loved me.

We were young and dumb. So young. Maybe you regret loving me the way you did. Maybe you hated the way you were towards me. It makes you sick inside. It makes you sick knowing I couldn’t return the same love you gave me. You knew. But you pushed on. Why?

Knowing me, I’m probably diving too deep into this. I can't help it. You know me. I overthink everything. I care too much so I think too much. I overcomplicate it because I hate the thought of being misunderstood or the inability to understand. You know that, right? 

You were young. You didn’t know either. But how do you feel now? How do you feel about our past? Do you think it was dumb? Do you try to forget it and move on? Do you lie at night thinking about it? Do you replay our conversations and the endless warmth when we hugged? Do you miss me? Do you wish it would've played out differently? Do you wish we were still friends?

I’m sorry. I am sorry for whatever I've done wrong or could've done better.

je te laisserai des mots

I want to be full of you

I want you to consume my soul and swallow my doubts

I want you to know the inner crevices of my mind, regardless of my fears and worries and the endless maze of my thoughts

I want you to know all of me

I want you to look me in my eyes as you caress my face softly

I want you to hold my hand as we walk down the street because I'm afraid of letting go of you, despite the childish reason, you do it anyways

I want you to wipe away the crumbs from my lips as your finger lingers longer than it should

I want you to talk to me and talk and talk so I can memorize how you enunciate each word

I want you to hold me against your chest as I sob because I feel too deeply and I have no other way to cope than to just cry

I want your lips to ghost over mine, softly, gingerly, and carefully until you crash into mine like a tidal wave

I want your hands to discover every inch of my damaged body and whisper in my ear as you do so

I want you to hold my hands as we become one

you would softly speak in my ear as you let out a long sigh

you would kiss my lips again, eagerly this time

and you would carry me to ecstasy

you tuck my hair behind my ears

then we would fall asleep without a single fear or doubt in the air

I want you to love me.

My soul is intertwined with yours, A dance of light and shadow, Threads of fate bound tightly, Yet we keep searching, Yearning for the right universe, Where we meet the perfect versions of each other.

In every glance, a hint of recognition, In every touch, a spark of something more, But still, a restless quest remains, To find the world where we fit, Where our pieces align seamlessly, And our spirits can finally rest.

Across the stars, through endless possibilities, Our souls wander, ever seeking, The place where our love is complete, And we become what we are meant to be, Two hearts, perfectly matched, In a universe made just for us.

“Loyalty isn’t grey. It’s black and white. You’re either loyal completely, or not loyal at all. And people have to understand this. You can’t be loyal only when it serves you.”

— Sharnay

You only smile when you drink, When the amber warmth flows through your veins, A fleeting joy, a fragile spark, That hides the shadows of your pain.

In the glass, you find a refuge, A sanctuary from the storm, Where laughter spills like liquid gold, And your troubles seem less worn.

You only smile when you drink, When reality fades to a distant hum, And the world, with all its harsh edges, Blurs into a soft, forgiving drum.

But as the night wanes and the bottle empties, The smile fades like a morning mist, Leaving behind the truth you escape, A silent ache, an unseen twist.

You only smile when you drink, And I watch with a heavy heart, Wishing you could find that joy, Without the crutch that tears you apart.