Mellifluous4ddict - Unitedbygrief - Tumblr Blog

I don't mind

it's times like this where the sun wraps me in an almost unbearable embrace

its embrace feels like a nuzzle onto my cheek

its embrace also feels like harsh clasp on my skin

the way it's heat creates perspiration on my temples, as it leisurely travels down my jaw

this, I don't mind

its times like this when the bustling trees and buzzing insects send a pleasant hum all throughout my body

the trees feel rough, nipping at my fragile skin

the insects, despite the claims, I connect with as I stare in wonder

the weight of my feet onto the solid ground

the way my heart pounds in my chest as I peer up into the sky

this, I don't mind.

it's times like this where I'm happy I'm alive

You only smile when you drink, When the amber warmth flows through your veins, A fleeting joy, a fragile spark, That hides the shadows of your pain.

In the glass, you find a refuge, A sanctuary from the storm, Where laughter spills like liquid gold, And your troubles seem less worn.

You only smile when you drink, When reality fades to a distant hum, And the world, with all its harsh edges, Blurs into a soft, forgiving drum.

But as the night wanes and the bottle empties, The smile fades like a morning mist, Leaving behind the truth you escape, A silent ache, an unseen twist.

You only smile when you drink, And I watch with a heavy heart, Wishing you could find that joy, Without the crutch that tears you apart.

I love you

If I could pull the stars down for you, I would

If I could reach the depths of the ocean for the rarest pearl, I would

If I had to, I would cross the world 8 times just to see you

If I had to, I would challenge the sun for your sake

you make me melt and I have no way of keeping myself together

your mellifluous voice and compelling laugh

you make me feel like I weigh nothing in this burdensome world

your sugar-filled smile and jittery hands

your presence has made my time here worthwhile

your complex and diverse mind that I wish to dive in

A dive I wish to never rise from

I want to never come back for air

You are all I need

greedy

I am happy. I am happy with my life. I am in love with my friends and my family supports me in any way they can. I excel in my classes and I receive compliments at work. I have a healthy state of mind, I have a roof over my head, I have my own room, I have clothes, I have nice shoes, I have it. I might not have it all, but I have what I need.

god forbid that I'll ever take it for granted. sometimes I do. but I remind myself to be grateful, mindful, humble, noble, kind, and open-minded about it. I do. I try. I will and I can.

But like every human being, I want. I will say it again and again until my lips are numb and my hands can no longer write. What more should I do? What more can I accomplish to truly get what I desire?

Work hard, play hard, don't give up, keep your head high and shoulders leveled, be ambitious, and go for the win, it'll come with time, and it'll happen when you least expect it.

These endless phrases become repetitive and useless. It's like breathing air into something that has already let go.

one day.

bewitched

I had a dream. I was sitting in a chair alone, mindlessly on my phone, leaning onto my hand in boredom. A person sat next to me. Aimless glances and nervous fidgeting. He told me I was beautiful. I perked up at the compliment; I smiled, my chest suddenly heavy with bewilderment. A quiet "thanks" left my lips before I looked away from his eyes. His eyes were captivating, but just like when I'm awake, I lost the ability to speak when enthralled with a belle.

He asked me a question and I answered truthfully. He laughed, a sweet and enticing sound. My heart fluttered; I placed my hand on my chest, a bit worried it'd flutter out of my body. I laughed quietly at how easily I could make him laugh. He was laughing. We were together. The fluttering in my chest never left.

Why can't it always be like that?

I awoke thrilled to share my experience, only to be met with disappointment. I sleep every night, hoping I can maybe see him again.

“You're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for.”

— Richard Siken, Crush

humble

eyes full of envy and desire. I want to be like them. I want and want and want. why can't i have what they have? what have they done, that i haven't, that blesses them with so much? why? is it some test of patience? test of humbleness? karma?

i'm running low on patience despite my age. I have much to live and much to wait for and yet I scratch in impatience. I want and I want and I give and I give. I think and I believe, I pray, I manifest. I crave, I itch, I beg, I plead, and yet here I am. my desires and wants ring hollow after empty hoping. hoping of fulfilling my greed.

materialistic. romance. I want it all.

staying humble is a difficult task.

beauty. the bit of dirt on my window seal. the leaves on the ground and the wind that blows them about. the random beads scattered on my floor. the plushness of my blanket against my skin. my eyes as I look at the world around me, taking in every detail.

the sun that everyone claims they cannot see into it. they only look at it when it arrives and leaves, but they forget its beauty throughout. as if its brightness is too much to bear, so its warmth is what we take in and appreciate. strange.

beauty is appreciated when it is convenient.

in another universe maybe

in another universe, we never hurt each other

in another universe, we have the proper guidance

in another universe, we still call every night

in another universe, we still talk about our dreams underneath our fort in my room

in another universe, I would've told you from the start

in another universe, we could've grown old together

but I am here still with a dull ache in my chest

the piece you took and never gave back

you're here and you see me

and yet, I cannot hear you

why do you say nothing?

Someone you haven’t even met yet is wondering what it’d be like to know someone like you.

Iain Thomas

“Loyalty isn’t grey. It’s black and white. You’re either loyal completely, or not loyal at all. And people have to understand this. You can’t be loyal only when it serves you.”

— Sharnay

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Maya Angelou

Amore mio aiutami

I rubbed my hands together to create warmth and collect the feeling back into my fingers. The brisk air bit at my skin, and I could see the faint tremor of my breath in the cold. I grabbed my gloves from my coat pocket and snugged them on nicely, feeling the immediate comfort of the thick wool. I exhaled deeply, watching the puff of air escape my mouth and dissolve into the night.

The brick sidewalk lining the river was slick with a thin layer of frost, glistening under the warm glow of the streetlights. Each lamp cast a cozy, amber hue, creating pools of light that contrasted sharply with the inky darkness beyond. The river flowed steadily in front of me, its surface reflecting the lights from the opposite bank in a shimmering, undulating pattern.

I peer at the time on my watch and sigh, 20:38. they weren't coming, I assume. I stand from the bench I was sitting on, my back aching from the stiff boards.

I begin walking alongside the river trying to ease off the disappointment melted into my face. Each step felt heavy as if the weight of my thoughts pressed down on me. With the city's ambiance and the sounds of the river below, I notice the matched footsteps behind me. I panic slightly in fear of being followed by a stranger. I grasp my keys in my pocket and prepare myself. I briefly look behind me to only find a familiar face.

My hands relax as the previous events and thoughts quickly disappear into nothing. Relief blooms in my chest. Abruptly, I stop walking and face towards him.

he was a good five feet away from me, standing with a plain yet nervous smile, bundled head to toe. we stay at the distance that separated us. I wanted to walk up to him, but something told me to wait.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, feeling my lips numb.

A quick flash of uncertainty crosses his face, but it's quickly replaced with an uneasy smile. "Just running some late-night errands."

"This late at night? Hmm, sounds great." I laugh at his obvious lie.

I continue, "Were you spying on me?"

His doe eyes meet mine as he casually says, "No, I just happened to be walking alongside the river... where I bumped into you."

I almost believe him, but his body language gives him away. I look at him with unamused eyes as he finally admits, barely loud enough for me to hear, "I just wanted to be sure that you were safe."

I smile at his nature and his plain answer. It was obvious why he was here. I walk towards him and lean against the railing when I’m close enough. I sigh and take in the scenery before me.

I feel his warm presence next to me as he begins to say, "I'm sorry your blind date didn't show up."

I half scoff and laugh, "It sounds pitiful when you say it like that."

"A complete douche bag, I would say." he says completely disregarding what I said.

I roll my eyes playfully, "it's really not that big of deal. It wasn't my idea to begin with."

He hums in confirmation. We stand there in silence, letting it envelop us as our thoughts drift away. My eyes burn with exhaustion, and I lean slightly on his shoulder, letting my eyes flutter closed. I let my subconscious take over, sinking deeper into the moment.

The next thing I know, we’re at my apartment. I’m on his back, and he gently places me on my bed. I smile and mutter a thanks. I remove my coat and shoes, tossing them aside. He lights a candle on the bedside table, casting a warm glow over the small room. The apartment’s warmth soothes me, and the cool comforter beckons me to dive in.

I look across the room at the small window and see the soft blue light pouring through. The waxing crescent moon makes a faint appearance. I clutch the sheets slightly beneath my palm and take a moment to think. I push aside the doubts I had been harboring and say,

"the moon is beautiful, isn't it?"

Three longing seconds pass and I look back at him to meet his gaze. "Yes, it is."

the way the soft glow from the candle shone on the right side of his face, and the moonlight on the left. he was simply charming. his lean body and his posture. I wanted to be near him.

I stand slowly feeling my legs ache. I look up at his expecting eyes, loving how they look into mine. "I'll walk you out..?" I ask.

his eyes shift over my face as he blinks into consciousness. he simply nods and walks out. I follow with soft footsteps. I shiver at the cold floor despite my socks protecting my feet.

we get to the door and I suddenly wish the door wasn't so close. he puts on his shoes without struggle and turns to me.

I blink in confusion, as he blinks back, his lips twitched in interest as if he wanted to say something. he raises his hand to my shoulder where it meets my neck. I enjoy the heaviness of his hand. how it brought chills to my body and made my heart skitter.

but then he sort of withdraws with a hint of regret. my heart clenches in anxiety. I quickly grab his hand and place it back where it was. I step closer to his body and place my hand on his cheek softly. I caress his cheek with the pad of my thumb, enjoying the silence. he didn't react, he just simply waited.

His honey-sweet eyes drew me in every time, and my drowsiness made my head feel cloudy and detached. It was almost like an out-of-body experience; my movements felt foreign, and my thoughts came and went in a haze. By the time I looked down at his lips, a delicate shade of pink, I couldn’t help but be captivated. We finally met in the middle.

His hand settled on my lower back as I stood on tiptoe. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my fingers tangling in his soft, fluffy hair. I felt my heart pound in my chest, the sensation of his warmth and the intimacy of our closeness intensifying the moment.

alas, I felt the love I've been yearning.

My soul is intertwined with yours, A dance of light and shadow, Threads of fate bound tightly, Yet we keep searching, Yearning for the right universe, Where we meet the perfect versions of each other.

In every glance, a hint of recognition, In every touch, a spark of something more, But still, a restless quest remains, To find the world where we fit, Where our pieces align seamlessly, And our spirits can finally rest.

Across the stars, through endless possibilities, Our souls wander, ever seeking, The place where our love is complete, And we become what we are meant to be, Two hearts, perfectly matched, In a universe made just for us.

As I'm getting older, I'm starting to lose my understanding of love. Love used to be more simple and understandable, but now my head cannot really picture it clearly.

Could you love me while I hate myself?

-Zeph

je te laisserai des mots

I want to be full of you

I want you to consume my soul and swallow my doubts

I want you to know the inner crevices of my mind, regardless of my fears and worries and the endless maze of my thoughts

I want you to know all of me

I want you to look me in my eyes as you caress my face softly

I want you to hold my hand as we walk down the street because I'm afraid of letting go of you, despite the childish reason, you do it anyways

I want you to wipe away the crumbs from my lips as your finger lingers longer than it should

I want you to talk to me and talk and talk so I can memorize how you enunciate each word

I want you to hold me against your chest as I sob because I feel too deeply and I have no other way to cope than to just cry

I want your lips to ghost over mine, softly, gingerly, and carefully until you crash into mine like a tidal wave

I want your hands to discover every inch of my damaged body and whisper in my ear as you do so

I want you to hold my hands as we become one

you would softly speak in my ear as you let out a long sigh

you would kiss my lips again, eagerly this time

and you would carry me to ecstasy

you tuck my hair behind my ears

then we would fall asleep without a single fear or doubt in the air

I want you to love me.

— Lana Del Rey; Cinnamon Girl

I am finding my way back to myself again. slowly, patiently, intricately. I am finding roads in between my heart and my mind that connect. I am finding melodies that taste good on my soul. I stray and i take detours occasionally, but I am finding my way back to myself again.

Unknown

I know I don't want to grow old

I don't want to accept or face the inescapable assets of age

I don't want to forget how it feels to be young

I don't want to lose my childlike desires

I enjoy being careless and ruthless

I enjoy being able to stand between the line of 

youth and adulthood

as much as it sucks

as much as it is contradictory

as much as I hate it

it feels nice being in the between

People misunderstand you

and you misunderstand yourself

you get lost in what's right

instead of worrying about it

I let go

I wish

and hope

and pray

that one day I'll find somebody that I do want to grow old with

someone who I'll want to nitpick at graying hairs with

someone who'll make me feel beautiful despite my wrinkled face

someone I'll birdwatch with as we lean on each other's shoulders

someone who'll guide my hand when my hands become too frail

someone I'll complain about my aching body to

the quiet and peaceful days of tomorrow where not much matters

where the air is not as suffocating and worries begin to lessen

where standards and expectations no longer apply

someone I can see somebody age with

as I gaze at their grace and with my eyes full of love

a love that never tires

a love so young that remains that way until the end

a love so profound, that nothing can diminish it

A physical love

physical love. the one I want. what I search for. what I try to replicate at night when I am alone.

through words on paper. through empty scenarios that are made up in my mind.

subtle touches that ghost over my body, feeling the roughness, marks, scars, the softness, the richness. all.

to feel seen. to feel loved. to feel appreciated. to feel used.

constant wonder and fidgeting. waiting and hoping and praying and manifesting of the when and who.

the when of who that we search, unknowingly.

humans are social beings.

it is not a crime to want. it is not a crime to need. it is not a crime to dream. it is not a crime to yearn for companionship. it is not a crime to want to give your whole being to another to feel that certain warmth within your chest.

at this point, when my mind is exhausted and my body is sensitive, my conscious will seek anything. despite the reds. its hunger becomes so ravenous. that even I, can't stop it.

a mind of its own.

a physical love.

.

My stomach twisted and turned. It felt like my gut was trying to escape my own body—the relentless force of dread and misery. I never wanted it to be this way. I ask myself what went wrong. I blame my childish remarks and naive personality. I blame my need to feel loved. My endless need to need attention on me. To feel like I am needed and wanted. Whether it was real or not. Through desperate texts and made-up fantasies. Am I making you feel sick? Am I too much for you? 

My needs deceived you for love. I love you. I loved you. I loved the idea of love. I loved the light you shone on me. I loved feeling like I was worth something to someone. As much as it is wrong, I loved it. I didn't know. As gullible as I am, I didn't know. Did you? Did you fall for it? Did you know and said nothing? Did nothing? Did nothing as I fed you lies that I thought were truths? Did you ever doubt me? Doubt us?

If so, why? Why do you deny it? Why did you do nothing? Why do you pretend like it was nothing? Did I not hurt you? Why do you fear the truth? You stray away from the truth, why?

Or was it all false on your side as well? Was it a facade? Why do you hide? It seems like you hide behind a facade to reassure yourself that your relationship is what you need. I need help understanding. My delusional thoughts and empathetic mind may be wrong. Maybe I am the wrong one. Maybe I am the murderer. The bad guy. The instigator. If so, tell me. I want to understand you. I want to know how you feel. Yell at me. Curse at me. Tell me that I was wrong. Tell me how much you hate me for what I've done and said. Tell me how you've missed and loved me.

We were young and dumb. So young. Maybe you regret loving me the way you did. Maybe you hated the way you were towards me. It makes you sick inside. It makes you sick knowing I couldn’t return the same love you gave me. You knew. But you pushed on. Why?

Knowing me, I’m probably diving too deep into this. I can't help it. You know me. I overthink everything. I care too much so I think too much. I overcomplicate it because I hate the thought of being misunderstood or the inability to understand. You know that, right? 

You were young. You didn’t know either. But how do you feel now? How do you feel about our past? Do you think it was dumb? Do you try to forget it and move on? Do you lie at night thinking about it? Do you replay our conversations and the endless warmth when we hugged? Do you miss me? Do you wish it would've played out differently? Do you wish we were still friends?

I’m sorry. I am sorry for whatever I've done wrong or could've done better.