He Knows That He Cares For You More Than He Should.

he knows that he cares for you more than he should.

and yet how can he resist? you are magnetic. you had managed to see the darkest part of him and go head to head with it. you fought it, and in the process tore down his walls irreparably.

he’ll never admit it, but he is in awe of you. he wouldn’t mind spending more time with you.

ah, but you already have tobio. you’ve already stolen perfect, talented kageyama tobio’s heart. oikawa sees the way you look at kageyama, with muted adoration and pride. you looked at oikawa with fire and something that almost resembles care. and that was all it took to make him fall.

but he would be selfish to tear you away for himself, especially when you already have a soulmate in kageyama. he wishes he could be angry at the setter, at you, and yet you are perfect for each other. he can’t.

so he settles for the teasing insults, the little compliments, and keeps his feelings locked away. you know he’s hiding something, but you don’t push. he’s glad.

it’s better this way.

Can I have him?

you are a god.

you weave fate into constellations, threading tapestries of destinies. you breathe life into dying kingdoms, and let thriving ones burn. it has been this way for eons, unchanging, as most gods are. it does not matter what wars are waged, or which immortal dies, for the gods never change. perhaps that is why you take such pleasure in granting human wishes.

your crown is made of stars, each one a dream undreamed. when they fall, hundreds of wishes are granted, and yet only some would be worth anything. for the humans wish, and then they revolt against tyrants, against lords, against entities more than they could ever know. you watch on from above, amused.

change has always been a god’s undoing.

𓆩 ღ 𓆪 𝐈𝐗. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐓𝐋𝐀𝐒

( why does tragedy exist? because you are full of rage. why are you full of rage? BECAUSE YOU ARE FULL OF GRIEF. )

chara : xiao fandom : genshin impact quote cr : anne carson a/n : rewritten + revised 3 yr old fic :^) my very first xiao fic

IN DARKNESS LIES :

REGRET : TO FORGET SINS OF DAYS GONE BY IS AN ACT OF COWARDICE, A VIOLENCE SO KNOWN THAT IT LINGERS IN CENTURIES PAST. to carry the weight of one's burdens is a trial of living, of survival, and it is one xiao knows to endure until the world lays him to rest and the calling is heard by another.

he tires of it, this cruelty of karma known. the blood on his hands serve as a reminder of the horrid past meant to be spoken of and remembered. it is a hauntening, these phantom ties. its thorns take hold of his being, burning and burning and burning into his mind and flesh in memorial of those he brought brutality upon under another's command.

"keep your distance." an adeptus warns, but the trace of false malice in his words is drowned by a melancholy, an aching, a yearning. his soul trembles in your presence, and he does not know what to make of this.

yakshas survive loneliness through the protection of others. it is all he knows. it is all he is meant for, after all. it is his redemption -- words spoken for his own sake, his own comfort, but redemption is something unobtainable, just as you are.

it's better this way. safer.

what will come in the near future, he wonders, if you continue down this path?

in his lifetime, he has witnessed too much loss, most of it caused by him. perhaps he had a heart once. he simply wonders if it was torn from him or whether he rid of it himself. a final act of cruelty, of release, of mercy.

( it doesn't matter. it doesn't. it won't. a single beating heart would not make a difference in this world. not his. )

CORRUPTION : & THE SUNLIGHT IS TOO BRIGHT AN EXISTENCE , TOO KIND & GENTLE IN THE ENDEAVORS OF A MADDENING DARKNESS. it reminds him of someone, and to even indulge in the thought brings reluctance.

you are too close, yet he cannot distance himself, even if he tried. you find a way. you always do. perhaps that is what draws him closer.

his head hurts. he cannot think. it is happening again. again, again, again--

he is weak. he knows this all too well. all these years of drowning in hatred, all these years of fighting and fighting, yet the darkness is the one thing he fails to defeat. a flood of memories intertwined with havoc and destruction: endless, ruthless. he will never escape it, will he? but surely it is deserved, after all. it must be. it has to be. he seeks logic in the suffering because it is the only way he survives.

( somewhere, there is an absence of being in him. in eternities, there is much untold and too little addressed, comfort lost yet desired so deeply. but his suffering is meant to be unsaid, and so he will remain silent, keep his pain close to the soul until it gnaws away and away until there is nothing left.

"the warmth feels nice, doesn't it?"

your words are kind. gentle. bright. the pain dissipates, slow, and the darkness turns into a soft light. the voices of those he ruined fade in the background, and all he hears is you. it's always you.

he does not respond initially. you offer a faint smile, hand resting on his, slowly, hesitant. he likes the feeling more than he expects, likes it more than he should.

his lips part. he pauses, afraid, and answers.

"yes," his voice trembles, but you pretend to not notice, "it does." )

FORGIVENESS / re: AWAKENING : INSIDE YOUR HEART RESIDES A WRATH , A VICIOUS SELF-LOATHING. WHEN WILL YOU PUT IT TO REST? HOW WILL YOU PUT IT TO REST?

-- CAN YOU?

his soul is too entangled with those he has destroyed and slaughtered; there is no separation in existence. his soul carries the many who do not live on, and if you searched closely enough, you would see the way it rots, withers, and decays in despair.

why doesn't it frighten you? why doesn't this darkness, this violence-- why doesn't any of this frighten you? he has made what little peace he has with it; he hopes you will, as well. there is no saving here. he does not need it.

you are a force : an enigma of hope and everything wondrously bright. it is contagious, almost-- but he is quick to remember who he is, and he is quick to remember the difference between higher beings and mortals. you cannot save him. he hopes you will remember that. if there is ever a way out of limbo, he will find it himself. but until then, he will stay here, alone and in the place he belongs.

"xiao." you speak his name and he only hears love. your fingertips ghost over the markings that have found a home on his arm, touch reverent as ever-- delicate, holy. "you are more than your darkness."

your voice wavers, but he pretends to not notice. his gaze meets yours, and it is painful. it is love; it is grieving. there is a heavy yearning in the deep hues of amber, and in such emotion, there is the knowing that he cannot have what he desires, because what he desires is too good, too innocent, and he knows all too well that light and darkness are not meant to coexist. but he aches with weakness, and he allows himself to succumb to it.

( now, he is the one who closes the distance. hand in hand, a subtle squeeze of affection. you cannot help but smile at the proximity, and his breath hitches at the sight of such quiet joy.

you frighten me, he whispers, lips finding yours under the moonlight.

perhaps this is another cruelty, another trial he must endure. xiao knows this. but for you, he will happily do so. )

Was feeling Xiao after that quest. Also made for Yokai Impact.

the lantern rite is absolutely stunning.

hundreds of glimmering lanterns dot the skies, hanging above liyue harbor and floating for miles on end. the moon, more alive than dead for once, hangs in the night. this year is particularly spectacular, likely because of the too-recent attack on the city.

despite the pointlessness of it all, it’s one of the things xiao allows himself to admire.

“it’s pretty, isn’t it?”

ah, you. the reason why he’s here in the first place, somehow.

perhaps it was your persistence, or the circumstances, or any number of other variables that could have led to this moment. begrudgingly, xiao admits to himself that he doesn’t regret coming here as much as he thought he would.

and then he looks over at you. you’re positively glowing, and his breath catches.

the lantern rite might be stunning, but you are nothing short of breathtaking.