I Could Only Ever Dream Of Having Thought Of Something As Achingly Beautiful As This Piece Of Art. This

i could only ever dream of having thought of something as achingly beautiful as this piece of art. this is definitely something that will keep me up at night, and i honestly won’t be mad about it.

Sweet Hyunjin that doesn't like aegyo but does it for you to make you laugh when you're sad.

Sweet Hyunjin that always gives you a front piggyback when you fall asleep on the couch "my sleeping beauty, let's get you to bed"

Sweet Hyunjin that pretends to be reading but instead he studies every feature of your face until you catch him and he blushes "a lifetime wouldn't be enough for me to take in all your beauty"

Sweet Hyunjin that makes you rest your head on his lap when you watch movies. He definitely caresses your hair until you fall asleep. "My sweet angel" he'd whisper while carefully grazing his fingers on your cheek.

Sweet Hyunjin that presses his lips on yours and always opens his eyes after you open yours. He always hums softly and stays there, lost in the touch of your lips, his thumb grazing your cheek.

Sweet Hyunjin that holds back his tears whenever he says goodbye before a long tour. He cups your face with both of his hands and rests his forehead on yours to avoid making you cry before pressing his lips to it and hugging you tighter "I already miss you." he speaks with a soft and hushed voice.

Sweet Hyunjin that always looks back at your window and mouths "I love you" before he gets into the car. He definitely has tears brimming at his waterline as he looks at your window once more and gets inside the car.

Sweet Hyunjin that sends you a message as soon as he arrives at the destination "I want back...I want into your arms...please..."

Sweet Hyunjin that sometimes comes back a day earlier than he tells you because he wants to surprise you "I know what I said but my heart missed yours too much..."

Sweet Hyunjin that kisses you softly, melting into your arms as your fingers gently rake through his hair "Please hold me a little longer...I've missed your touch..."

Sweet Hyunjin that leaves sticky notes on the bathroom mirror when he wakes up before you "You're gorgeous!" "Still blushing after all this time?"

Sweet Hyunjin that pulls you closer at his chest and kisses your shoulder to wake you up "Good morning, ma chéri..."

Sweet Hyunjin that can never paint you like he wants to because "You're perfect, my love. It would take me a lifetime and I still wouldn't finish painting your beauty"

Sweet Hyunjin that goes grocery shopping but forgets the groceries because he bought flowers for you and he can't wait to get back home "I couldn't wait to see your smile. Yes, love, I promise I'll get the groceries this time hehe."

Sweet Hyunjin that watches the sunset with you, holding your back tightly at his chest while his arms rest on your waist. He often intertwines his fingers with yours, whispering into the crook of your neck "I love you, darling, so so much..."

Sweet Hyunjin that climbs the bed in the morning and presses soft kisses from your shoulders to your knuckles before looking into your eyes "My lady, breakfast is served..."

Sweet Hyunjin that kisses your tears when you crumble and start crying at the note hidden under the plate. "Is that a yes?" he giggles between tears and kisses your trembling hand before setting a delicate ring on your finger.

Do not copy/modify/repost without my permission.

©️sometimesleeknows All rights reserved.

every time i read something of yours i’m all in my feels STOP (please don’t actually here’s all my love 💕💞💓💗❤️‍🩹❤️)

can i be 🦨 on your anon list? because if your writing keeps fucking me up you’ll be hearing a lot more from me

🥹🥹 omg?? this is so sweet?? i’m honestly living for this energy honestly

also YES you can be 🦨! thank you for your support and lmfao i love adding pain to my work so chances of my writing continuing to “fuck you up”, as you said, are very high so i’ll be looking forward to your feedback 🥹

🥹 omg thank you so much! i feel like soft smut is so underrated, i just love it so much and i’m obsessed with shibari so i thought it’d be the perfect combo. ANYWAYS thank you for the reblog and support ILU MUAH🤟🤟

SHIBARI WITH SKZ.

ot8 x gender neutral reader.

content warnings: shibari, sex, intense emotional connection, anal fingering (male receiving)

summary: i love shibari with my entire soul and i feel like we as a society don’t talk about it enough — particularly about how emotional it can be if done right.

🪢 BANG CHAN.

Chan would like tying you up but would mostly enjoy being tied up himself. I feel like when you first proposed the idea to him, he was nervous but decided to try for you anyway and ended up loving it. He’s a guy that is constantly dealing with stress and anxiety, so it’s almost a healing experience to fully let go of control and letting you do whatever you saw fit. It usually ended with you riding him gently, and he’ll be the type to tear up a little after you both cum because the time you’d just spent together was so deeply emotional.

🪢 LEE KNOW.

He himself doesn’t get tied up, but I feel like he would like tying up his partner using the shibari method. I feel like he would enjoy it quite a lot, especially if it leads to some electrifying, intensely emotional sex once the tying part is done. Like he’ll be thrusting into you deeply yet slowly, massaging all the sensitive spots he knows of while doing so. He wants to hear your moans that sound so preciously different from the way it sounds during regular sex — this one comes from the serenity of your mind, it’s everything you feel pushed into the soft sounds he coaxed out of you. Your face, the sounds, the way your body moved in rhythm with his despite the restraints — he’ll cum and keep going until he’s had several orgasms and he can’t anymore, nothing turns him on like being like this does.

🪢 CHANGBIN.

Tie him up. He’ll tie you up every once in a while, but mostly him, especially if done in front of a mirror. I feel like he’d be the kind of guy to enjoy watching himself being tied up with pink rope, and the way you’d leave a trail of kisses everywhere. He adores having sex with you like that, and he’ll cum if you play with his hole just right. He’s so soft, so buff and strong but he’d look so stunning tied up like that, whimpering your name as he grows more and more needy.

🪢 HYUNJIN.

I feel like this might be a genuine kink that he has, but it might be reserved to the lovers he shares the deepest, most intense connections with. Something about the way he describes himself as an emotional guy, his artistic perspective, his gentleness — everything makes me feel like he’d love this as much as I do. His touch would be so tender, and he’d caress your skin with every knot he made, and once you’re all tied up he just pulls you onto his lap while you’re both naked and he just holds you for a moment there. Like it’s not necessarily a sexual thing for him, just the amount of trust it takes to be in that type of mindset while tied up like that. It’s a form of bonding for him. He also likes being the one tied up by his lover, and he’ll be extra clingy and would need all the praise in the world before, during and after.

🪢 HAN.

He would definitely be the one to be tied up, he’s just the kind of guy who adores being at the complete mercy of his partner. It’s the ultimate sign of trust and intense love for him — he trusts you to care for him when in such a vulnerable state, and therefore that shows how much he also loves you. Constant eye-contact is very much needed, he needs to see your face, your expressions, everything. Kissing is more than encouraged as well, just call him a good boy or a pretty baby and he’ll be melting on the spot.

🪢 FELIX.

Something in my gut tells me that he would be the one to briefly bring it up as a kink he’s heard about before and found interesting, but then once you do research and seriously suggest trying it, he would be nervous. Perhaps it’s the level of intimacy, or the fear of doing it wrong — but he would need some time to think on it. Eventually, he’ll agree and it’ll lead to the most mind-blowing sex either of you have ever experienced. His hands are just so soft and gentle as he ties you up, and then when he finally fucks you, it’s all praises and eye-contact and him just fully catering to your every need for as long as you wish.

🪢 SEUNGMIN.

Doing shibari with him would be a bit more rough, I think. He’ll be domming you, but it’s a mixture of stern and soft. The time spent tying you up would be soft and he’d have his twinkling brown eyes on you the whole time while making you laugh a little with his jokes to soothe you. But once he’s inside of you, it’s like an animal takes over and he’s thrusting in and out of you at such an ínstense speed, you have no other option but to scream his name as you cum several times before he does.

🪢 I.N.

The first time you both experiment with shibari, he’s the one getting tied up. He’s not much for physical affection, but something about it made him grave for kisses and squeezes as often as possible. He needed constant reassurance as you worked, he was evidently nervous since it was new to him. It didn’t lead to sex though, because as soon as you wrapped your hand around his cock, he was feeling a little overstimulated but he didn’t want to be untied; he just wanted you close, to feel your skin on his while his mind floated away. Like with Hyunjin, shibari served as a bonding experience for the two of you.

(🏷️) taglist : @grandpafelixx

© minhosbitterriver 2023 | do not plagiarize , repost , or translate any of my works onto other platforms — it is forbidden with or without credit ! the works of authors are protected under copyright laws and policies , tumblr is my only platform . if you see my work elsewhere , please let me know and report !

hello?!?!!?! i just read ch 5 of your felix series and i’m in tears with hyunjin’s story what the hell??? it was so good!! i can’t wait to read more!!

🦨

THANK YOU!! i feel like hyunjin is lowkey my favorite character in this series and i am totally not projecting my own issues with religion onto him

blame me if you want.

💭 GUIDELINES ‣ LIBRARY ‣ TAGLIST & ANONS ‣ IN PROGRESS ‣ REQUEST LIST ‣ PINNED

pairing: jeongin x gender neutral reader

content warnings: heartbreak, angst, crying, break up

rating: 13+

summary: you deluded yourself into thinking you and jeongin were meant to last forever. but after some time where he felt distant, you come to find out why.

🍂 untitled — hyunjin & i.n (2 kids’ show)

His hands shook slightly as they held your face as though you were to break into a thousand pieces if he let you go, and you thought you might, too, since your heart had just been shattered by the man you’d once named your forever; why not let your body and soul follow your heart into the disaster it is now? You watched as tears threatened to spill, his voice cracked and his lips formed a trembling frown, though it didn’t compare to the storm of tears rolling down your cheeks or the sobs that continuously escaped past your lips, your expression twisted into one of pure heartbreak.

“I— I really didn’t want us to end like this, Jeongin,” you sobbed, and you knew he could barely understand what you were trying to say through the hiccups and cries. “But it’s like you’ve mentally been away for months now and I don’t know what I can do anymore. I can’t continue living like this, losing sleep because I can’t figure out what is happening and you keep refusing to talk about it.”

Jeongin pulled you to his chest, resting his chin on top of your head as the fingers of one hand gripped your shirt. He was shaking all over, but you were inconsolable.

“You’ve said it on my behalf, Y/N.” He began, voice crackling as he held back tears. “At some point, your eyes felt so cold, and perhaps I am the reason, but —”

You pulled away from him, eyebrows furrowed. “If I ever looked at you coldly, I never meant it. Baby, I promise that —”

“No, not like that,” he interrupted. “I mean, I didn’t feel the same way that I used to. I’m not sure how or when it happened, but it did. I couldn’t figure out how to tell you, but I really didn’t want things to get to this point.”

A tear finally rolled down his cheek as he spoke, voice growing thicker as he held back his own devastation. His words felt as though he’d pushed you off of a cliff and now you were just falling without a safety net by yourself.

“Y/N, I know in my heart that you leaving me and finding someone who truly deserves you before this pain gets any deeper is the best thing you can do.” A choked sob escaped from his lips and he sniffled, looking away for a moment to compose himself. “I tried to be your forever, I really did. But now I’m not sure of anything; did I really fall in love? Or was it a selfish decision made for my own sake to escape from my loneliness? At first, I didn’t even want to entertain the idea but, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.”

The room was spinning at his words, your sobs intensifying while you pulled away from him completely. You were angry now, hurt, betrayed.

“What are you implying?” Your voice was louder than you’d intended, but you also couldn’t bring yourself to care when your whole world was collapsing in on itself at the moment. “Are you saying that everything we’d been through wasn’t real? Every beautiful minute spent together didn’t make you feel like this could be forever?”

You were standing now, looking down on his shiny eyes as more tears rolled freely down his achingly beautiful face; even with emotions running high, it took everything in you to not kiss them away. But he didn’t deserve that anymore, and you were well aware. When you called him over with the intention to end things, you wanted him to argue with you and tell you that you guys could work things out. You wanted to hear him say that he loved you, and that he didn’t agree with this decision. Anything to show you that he cared and was willing to fight for you and your relationship with him. Instead you found yourself feeling as though he’d punched you in the gut when he agreed wholeheartedly. Now every year spent with him was in question as you wondered just how much of it was as real to him as it had been for you. How many times did he lie through his teeth as he told you he loved you? The thought had you shaking with rage.

Jeongin didn’t respond, only sat there as he watched you back away from him slowly.

“Was I really just someone to keep your bed warm? Who the fuck says that?”

Jeongin finally stood up, hands attempting to reach you but you moved away before he could. “No, I don’t think it was like that —”

“You don’t think, Jeongin? This was the part where you told me ‘No, Y/N, it definitely wasn’t like that’. But you stand there and tell me you don’t think I was just a warm body so you didn’t feel so lonely? You’re such a coward.”

“I know that I am!” For the first time ever, Jeongin raised his voice, which took you aback. “You can blame me if you want, Y/N, but you have to believe me when I tell you that I didn’t want this to drag on like this. There were so many times where I tried to be honest about my feelings but I would look at you and always feel like such a monster for wanting to end things when what we had was so good. Don’t you think I hate this too?”

You remained silent, his words echoing in your mind. It didn’t make sense to you, nothing did. “If what we had was so good, then why did you stop loving me? When did you stop seeing me as your future?”

He opened his mouth but nothing came out. His shoulders slumped when he mumbled, “I have no idea.”

You sniffled, wrapping your own arms around yourself as you watched him. The crying had subsided a little bit by that point, and you could feel your chest becoming numb the longer he remained there. He stood before you, a shell of a man who had once decided to fall with you, but now he watched as you fell on your own to your own doom. The future looked so bleak without him, and you didn’t think you could ever forgive him for this.

“Do you think you would’ve said something sooner rather than later if I hadn’t called you over?”

“I don’t know. I hope so.”

You inhaled sharply, and exhaled shakily, your heart beating in your throat as you prepared to say the next words you’d never even dreamt of saying: “I think you should leave.”

Worst of all, Jeongin only nodded before walking out of your place. He didn’t even look back before closing the door behind him, leaving you a shattered mess.

word count: 1.1k 🍂 posted: 11 • 30 • 2023

💬 a note from green;

i watched hyunjin and i.n’s 2 kids show yesterday and their untitled song had me in tears and inspired me to write this sad little thing. i hope you guys enjoy, i might post something with hyunjin too though i don’t know.

🪲 TAGLIST !

# @grandpafelixx

i will cry right now omg thank you ❣️🥹

Hi green! Since you've left me some lovely requests, I thought I'd leave you one! I'm in love with the friends to love trope, so if you could do something like that with Felix, I'd eat it up. I'm thinking of something like the reader (gn please) has a really hard day and decides to go to Felix, but then it starts raining, so when Felix opens the door, reader is soaking wet and distressed. You can do anything from there! Again, I love your writing, so anything you come up with will be undoubtedly amazing. Hope you're doing well! <3

everything is you.

other works by green.

pairing: felix x gender neutral reader

content warnings: hurt/comfort, mentions of parental abandonment years prior, mentions of recent death of a parent, smoking weed, daddy issues

rating: 13+

summary: through every single hardship you'd ever endured, felix always waited for you, ready to bring you into the safety of his embrace. so when you're stuck amidst the complicated emotions following your father's recent passing, the first and only person you sought for comfort was your best friend.

Echoes of the youth you’d spent in this house haunted the eerie hallways of this vacant home. Every inch of this familiar place has remained the same, though you certainly haven’t. Sitting on the front porch floor, a joint you’d just rolled burning between your fingers as you watch the rain pour outside, a vacant expression on your face as you decided on what to do. The initial plan was to walk towards your best friend’s house, which was a short walk away but the sky seemed to have other plans. And so you remained there, stuck sitting beside a box full of letters addressed to you, but that had never been sent – all written by your father. 

Too many times you had driven past him on your way to visit your best friend, making the point to keep your eyes on the road in case your father sat out front like he sometimes tended to do. The two of you had never been on good terms, especially since your mother left when you were a teenager to chase another man who’d made empty promises to her, and your father didn’t know the first thing about caring about another human being. It wasn’t a surprise to anybody when you left without a word the very minute you were old enough to do so and never returned. And yet, here you were, years since you’d gone – a box of letters he’d written to you though never sent, and you knew you didn’t have the nerve to open them alone. 

An exasperated sigh escaped your lips, pulling your phone out of the back pocket of your jeans for what was possibly the millionth time only to be met by the same symbol of no signal available for you to message Felix, the aforementioned best friend – the boy you’ve known since you could barely form a sentence due to living so close to each other. He was the kind of guy who would smile a little bit wider whenever his eyes landed on you, the one to allow you to lash out when you were angry despite how sensitive he was because he wanted you to feel better, the one to remember your birthday and plan something intimate and special even if nobody else bothered, the one to pay attention to the little things you would mention in passing and always remember – he was very much in love with you, had been for a very long time and you were well aware. But he never mentioned it directly, and you decided that you wouldn’t bring it up either because you knew that the reality of this lifetime is that you were made to destroy and hurt while he was made to heal and rebuild and you couldn’t risk having him be the next victim.

In moments like these, while alone with your thoughts that slowed down from the flower you smoked that still seemed to suffocate you all the same, you wished things were different. If only you were a stable human being, good enough for him to safely lay his head on your shoulder the way a lover would do, someone who’s sane and loving and all things good – all of which you were not – then perhaps he would be sitting beside you already, encouraging you to open the first letter while being ready to kiss your forehead at the first sign of distress. It’s selfish, and you knew, but as the screen of your useless phone remained blank you couldn’t help but wish his name would pop up. 

Your mind swirled with thoughts that made it harder to breathe with each passing second. The box of letters beside you. No signal. Felix’s smile. Childhood home. Your mother leaving. Your father’s cold demeanor. Yourself.

Not willing to wait for the rain to end, but also not wanting to dwell in here any longer, you grunted as you put out your joint and walked inside. A plastic sheet that covered one of the cushioned chairs in the living room was the only thing you took before making a b-line back outside. You lazily throw the sheet over the box, struggling only slightly to lift it before leaving the shelter from the rain, instantly drenched as the it offered no mercy. Barely able to keep your eyes open, you followed the same path you’ve walked a thousand times throughout your life, the pull of your best friend’s comfort and warmth being the true source of your rush as your pace quickened.

The neighborhood was the same, with the same married couples still residing in them – though most of their children were gone, already having moved on in their adult lives as their parents awaited for the next holiday to see them again. Everywhere you looked, a memory tied you to Felix as though his entire, beautiful being had been burned into your consciousness forever. Perhaps he had been, not that you would complain about it one bit if that were the case.

Felix’s childhood home came into view at last, and you all but sprinted clumsily with the box in your hands as your mind, body and heart yearned for his strong arms around you. Your heart was pumping blood through your veins harshly by the time you’d made it to his front door, dropping the box at your feet before banging on his wooden door. The air was having a hard time reaching your lungs and you realized that you were crying now that the rain was not hammering onto your skin – flashbacks of a similar scene played in your head, your teenage self distressed after you’d read your mother’s goodbye letter and your grief engulfed you and sent you down a spiral while the scene of your father sitting on the dinner table reading his newspaper and sipping coffee as you screamed at him to see you and your broken heart left at the departure of your mother. Your fists shaking as you gave up, falling onto your knees in despair just as the door swung open. 

A wide-eyed Felix stood before you, shocked to see you in such a state and so late at night. It only took him half a second to react as he practically threw himself onto the ground and pulled you into the safety of his embrace despite how drenched you were. A sob you hadn’t realized you’d been holding back escaped your lips, and the gravity of the fact that you were officially alone dawned on you. Your heart ached in a way you couldn’t describe and all you could truly focus on was the fresh scent of his blueberry shampoo and vanilla soap on him as you briefly realized you must’ve caught him getting out of the shower. 

“Hey, hey,” Felix attempted to pull away slightly to speak to you but you tighten your hold on his torso, not quite ready to let go yet. “I thought you wouldn’t be here until tomorrow.”

You said nothing, silently cursing yourself for being so weak – crying over a man who had never even smiled in your direction. 

“Felix, darling, what was all that noise?”

The sound of Felix’s mother’s sleepy voice caused you to jerk away from him, cheeks heating up in shame. You were on your feet in a second, bowing deeply to the kind woman who’d supported you through all of your hardships. 

“I– I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking when I came here, making all that noise. I just–”

“Nonsense,” Mrs. Lee waved you off with a concerned smile. “I’ve been telling you for years that you’re welcomed here at any time of day. Come in, darling, you’ll catch a cold. Come!”

Felix moved out of the way so that you could enter his home, pushing you away when you tried to grab a hold of the box you’d carried through the rain so that he could take care of it himself. You knew that you must’ve looked deranged, but there was no hint of judgment in their eyes as they watched you take your shoes off at the entrance. Mrs. Lee guided you into the living room by the shoulders despite the fact that you knew your way through the house like the back of your hand. The tenderness of such a simple touch made your sight blurry with tears that you refused to release this time. 

“Darling, go take a warm shower and Felix will bring you a fresh towel and some spare clothes for you to change into, deal?” Mrs. Lee raised her brows as she waited for your response, you merely nodded. “Good, have you eaten?”

“N– No.”

“I’ll heat up some leftovers from tonight’s dinner, then.”

With that, she rushed over to the kitchen. You remained in the same spot though, letting the rain drip onto the floor as your body trembled from the chill the weather outside had instilled into you. Felix gently dropped the box on the couch, paying no mind to the wet plastic sheet that was still covering its contents. 

“Y/N,” Felix said, voice low and warm. “You told me you were coming tomorrow in the afternoon. Why are you here?”

“I lied,” you sighed defeatedly. “I just didn’t want you to worry too much and I thought that I could– I thought that I would be able to go in there myself. And I really was fine, really…until I found that stupid box.”

He glanced back at the box behind him, sighing. Felix didn’t say anything, choosing instead to lead you towards the second floor and into the bathroom he typically shared with his sisters, closing the door behind you. 

While standing under the scalding hot water in the shower by yourself, you couldn’t help but scold yourself at the lack of impulse control. You could have knocked like a normal person, instead you simply decided that you would bang on his door as though your life was in danger which in turn startled everyone in the house and probably the neighbors as well. The thing that had you so upset was not something that couldn’t wait until tomorrow, it wasn’t urgent at all. It was just a dumb box filled with letters that you’d never received while your father had been alive. So dramatic, you chided. 

Just when you were about to shut the water off, you heard the bathroom door open quietly while you assumed Felix gathered your wet clothing and replaced them with fresh ones along with a towel. Once the door closed again, you drew the curtains back to be proved right. You dressed quickly, not bothering to brush your hair as you made your way back down and into the kitchen only to find that Mrs. Lee was no longer there, instead you found Felix looking for chopsticks for you to use while you ate. 

“I told my mom to head to bed,” Felix informed you without looking up, placing the chopsticks on a napkin beside your warm plate. “What’s in the box?”

Your feet felt heavy with each step you took closer to your meal – to him. You leaned your lower back against the counter, gingerly taking the plate into your hands. “My father wrote me letters. A whole lot of them. But he never sent them.” 

Felix’s eyes remained on you, taking his place right beside you, leaving only a hair’s distance in between. In order to not get distracted by this silly fact, you shoved your first bite into your mouth even though you didn’t feel particularly hungry. He didn’t seem to notice, only waiting patiently like he always did. 

“The house hasn’t changed a single bit since I left,” you swallowed, voice thick. “I could tell exactly where he spent the majority of his time– the same spot at the head of the dinner table where he left stacks upon stacks of newspapers he never did bother to throw out, the reclining chair right in front of the TV where his weight had left its mark over the years, and his room that was a complete mess of clothes and books and papers and everything he ever used was thrown onto the ground.”

Another bite. Felix still said nothing. 

“My room was left intact,” you continued. “It almost felt like time had stopped when I left, and the clock only continued when I walked in again. It was clean– my father kept his own room in chaos but cleaned my room. Not a speck of dust anywhere, and I checked.” 

A third bite and then you set the practically full plate back onto the counter, you didn’t have the appetite to finish it. Felix wordlessly cleaned the area and left your plate in the fridge. 

“I think the only thing that changed there was that all the family photos were taken down.” You pinch the bridge of your nose, squeezing your eyes shut as your breath becomes slightly shaky. “Not even put away, he just– took them and smashed them on the floor and left everything there. I can’t help but wonder just how long ago that was, and how many times he turned a blind eye to the broken glass as he stepped over them.

And then I went down to the basement, and everything was pretty much the same except for this stupid box. All of the letters with my name and address written on the envelope and I just– I lost it. I don’t know what to think anymore, of him…of anything.”

Felix’s arms suddenly wrapped around you tightly, surprising you for a second before you returned the gesture. Your heart was beating erratically in your chest despite this not being the first time he’d hugged you, but this one felt like it did when you were a teenager. It was strong, yet gentle; protective, yet freeing. Although it’d only been a few weeks since you’d seen him, you missed him deeply. You had left town, and he remained here with his family and his happy childhood memories – though you visited often and he did as well, but still; you missed him deeply. 

“I think that your father loved you in his own twisted way,” Felix murmured in your ear at last, arms tightening around you. “He was hurting, too. And you still didn’t deserve any of the things he did and didn’t do to you, because you were hurting and you were the child. But I think he loved you.”

Tears welled up in your eyes once more, hands shaking as you gripped Felix’s blue hoodie. 

ㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ☀️

The rain had stopped after a while, so you and Felix took advantage of that and sat on the roof right outside his bedroom window like you’d done a thousand times before. Overlooking the neighborhood in the dead of night as you lighted up the freshly rolled joint between your lips, inhaling the comforting flower before exhaling its smoke. The weight on your shoulders and mind was lifted as your anxiety dulled and your body relaxed. You passed the joint to Felix, who mimicked your actions. 

Your tears had long since dried, and the box had been left in the living room as you decided not to look at them tonight. Instead, you focused on the serene atmosphere that surrounded you and Felix like a warm hug. He passed the joint back to you, though you didn’t immediately bring it up to your lips again, letting it burn slightly between your thumb and index finger. Your eyes slowly found their way to Felix’s that had already been on you, analyzing you in the same way he had always done. You couldn’t tell if the glitter in his eyes were a reflection of the stars in the sky, or if they were truly his though they looked enchanting anyway. His smile widened when he noticed you meet his intense gaze and your heart burned at the sight, thinking back to your train of thought back on the front porch of your childhood home right before you’d come here. 

After all of these years, all of the tears, grief, arguments, and lashing out – he remained beside you, eyes on you as if you’d placed the sun in the sky yourself. You would never understand how he could stay by you when everyone else had left, there was nothing special about you other than your cutting tongue and vengeful heart. Though you couldn’t help but soften at the sight of him and his optimistic way of seeing the world. He was far too good, too pure for you or anyone else. And yet he sat there, subtly inching closer to you though you had still noticed. 

Lee Felix was in love with you, and had been for a long time. You were well aware, and had been for a long time. Though he never mentioned it directly and you decided that ignoring this would protect both you and him; but after all of this time, perhaps you’d maybe fallen in love with him too. It would be impossible not to let your own smile widen at the sight of his brown eyes watching you with so much genuine gentleness, to not feel your heart quicken every time he touched you, to not think of him when your bed was empty and cold, to not wish with every aching cell in your body that you were not as damaged as you were so that maybe, just maybe you would have a chance of deserving such a rare soul. 

Despite knowing all of this, you allowed him to move closer to you as the joint became smaller and smaller with each pass between the two of you. Eventually, your arms and legs were touching, and you could practically feel Felix’s erratic heartbeat. 

“What are you thinking about?” You surprised yourself by asking him, pointedly staring at the streetlamp directly in front of Felix’s house. His breath hitched slightly, though he didn’t say anything for a few moments. 

“I don’t know,” he eventually mumbled with a half-shrug. “Everything, I guess.”

“What is everything, Felix?”

His eyes met yours, wide with curiosity as he attempted to read you. Your own veins were pulsing with adrenaline from your boldness, though somehow you weren’t as mad about it as you thought you would be.

“I– I’m not sure.”

“I don’t believe you. What is everything?”

This was everything against what you’d done since you noticed his feelings for you, this was not keeping a safe distance. But you couldn’t help it, it was as though your heart had finally gained control over your brain and was pushing you to confront your own feelings for the first time in years. Because the truth is, your heart did burn for him in a way you couldn’t explain; it fluttered and skipped a beat a thousand times whenever he was around and it had been for as long as you could think back. You didn’t deserve him, but he thought the world of you – so maybe that was worth something. 

“Everything is–” Felix’s eyes searched yours, his breathing picking up slightly. “Everything is you.”

If your heart either exploded or simply stopped beating, you wouldn’t be surprised in the least. His words sent a chill down your spine, and you couldn’t stop the smile that snuck onto your face. 

“Good.” You stated, putting out what little was left of your shared joint on the roof before moving to straddle him, and you might as well have pushed him off and onto the ground before with the way the wind seemed to have been knocked out of him. His eyes were so wide, so surprised yet so excited. “To me, everything is you, too.”

His eyes scanned yours for a moment before he released an incredulous, airy chuckle. He didn’t get the chance to say anything, however, as your lips met his for the first time and the world melted away.

word count: 3.3k ☀️ posted: 12 • 05 • 2023

💬 a note from green;

Thank you so much for the request! I truly, truly enjoyed writing this for you. I just sat here and the words just kept flowing and flowing and I just couldn't stop, so I hope you enjoy it! (Side note though: I'm sorry if this a bit darker for your taste, I read it back and was like 'yikes, didn't mean to start off like that'.)

Anyway! I appreciate your compliments, always. Your feedback is something I genuinely look forward to every time I post, and so I'm happy that we're mutuals out here supporting each other because honestly – you're a magnificent writer as well, so I can promise that every time I think of something new for you, I'll grab my phone and tell you all about it no matter where I am!

Again, I hope you enjoyed this and thank you!

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