Twilight Was Written For The Wrong Genre

Twilight Was Written for the Wrong Genre

Seriously, these books should never have been written as a romance - they were clearly meant to be a comedy!

Vampires stuck in high school for all of eternity and then giving said vampires ridiculous powers that could lead to hilarity if they just bothered to interact with humans? ALL GOLD. 

You can’t tell me that Emmett Cullen didn’t casually lift and shift his car over in clear views of humans because he realized he parked outside of the lines. 

You can’t me that Alice never trolled people by randomly commenting on future events (saying “ouch” right before someone walks face first into a locker) and then acting like she never said that in the first place. 

You can’t tell me that Eddie never got so pissed off at humanity that he didn’t repeat people’s thoughts back at them like an annoying little kid (and then just saying they’re easy to read, which is basically the equivalent to fluorescents and adrenal rush as far as lies go).

It just works so much better if we ignore the romance and just focus on vampires who just forget to act human sometimes

I just love the book so much, man

forgot to say that, without Howl chasing girls and Sophie resenting him for it, the film completely erases part of the point of Sophie being old.  Wynne Jones is using an idea that Beauvoir talked about - that being an old woman is both tragic (as we lose male attention/attractiveness) and freeing (as we are freed from the male gaze).  the idea is that with being old comes liberation, and the true meaning of what it is to be a woman, as society no longer forces gender norms on us.

Sophie is free from Howl’s attentions and therefore safe from harm (a big part of the book is the fact that Sophie believes he eats women’s hearts, and him chasing girls proves this to her).  she takes solace in the fact that she’s old, and finds it freeing.  when she learns more about Howl (notably: that he doesn’t eat hearts and that he’s not evil), she starts to curse her age and resent him chasing girls.  BUT she remains old OF HER OWN VOLITION - Howl notes that she’s perpetuating the spell by wishing to remain “in disguise”.  there are SO many layers to this, and lots to do with gender politics - if she’s still old Sophie can’t get hurt, she likes the freedom, etc.  but of course on a personal level being old is her denying her feelings for Howl, and also a representation of her low self esteem - being old is a defence mechanism and protection, both on a gender level and a personal one.

and the film kinda… loses this?  the only thing that remains is being old = low self esteem.  which really sucks.  because there’s SO MUCH MORE to Sophie being old in the book (perspective I already mentioned), and a HUGE amount of this is gender politics.  that the film just erases.

I know this was made for Check Please, but from what I’ve heard from business students, “econ major” is always derogatory

Econ Major (derogatory)

Hexwood Chapter 5 (a summary)

Mordion: *creates Hume and immediately releases him into the wild*

Mordion: He'll be fine

Ann *in the tree*: PAY YOUR FUCKING CHILD SUPPORT

Good folk/jazz/swing music recs?

I’m trying to find some jazzy folk music for a friend who swing dances. We don’t overlap on music a ton, but I showed them “Curses” by the Crane Wives and they absolutely loved it! I’m trying to put a playlist together of potential music (some Hadestown songs are already on there), but I need some ideas.

Any suggestions?

I rewatched Much Ado About Nothing, and now I want this even more than ever HELP

I need a Howl’s Moving Castle “Much Ado about Nothing” AU

Just picture it: Sophie as Beatrice and Howl as Benedick, being little shits towards each other and dramatically denying that they feel anything for each other

- Clearly Howl will get Beatrice’s “taming my wild heart” line, but everything else stays the same

- During the disguise scene at the party, Howl is delighted at the opportunity to dress up in disguise and find out what Sophie truly thinks of him

- And Sophie realizes it’s him in two seconds flat (”I RIPPED UP THAT SUIT AND PUT IT BACK TOGETHER, HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM, HOWL???”) but won’t tell him because How Dare This Asshole Try to Make Me Look Like a Fool

- And man, does she ever DRAG HIS ASS

- And Howl mopes about it to Calcifer, who just wants the tantrum over with (”STOP LOOKING LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO SLIME THE PLACE! NOT BY THE GRATES! DON’T MAKE ME CALL OVER SOPHIE, YOU FOOL!”)

- After Howl’s mope session, Calcifer tells Michael about the situation, who in turn tells Martha, who in turns grabs Lettie and gathers all four of them together

- Martha: So we’re going to trick Howl and Sophie into falling in love by making them overhear that the other has a crush on them.

- Everyone: That… sounds like something they would fall for, yes.

- How could anyone but Martha Hatter come up with such a ridiculous scheme to get Sophie and Howl together?

- And who could anyone but our favourite idiots fall for said ridiculous scheme?

- Calcifer, Michael wait until Howl is upstairs before staging their discussion

- (Calicifer’s doing it just to hopefully get some peace and quiet and attention back on him; Michael’s been dragged into it by Martha even though he’s a terrible liar)

- Of course, Howl is freaking out and, being the drama king he is, cant stop exclaiming and tries to cover it up so poorly

- “SOPHIE LIKES - oh, um, *DRAMTICALLY LOUD COUGHING FIT* …I’m sick.”

- Martha and Lettie drag Sophie out for a walk around town, and when they have her in a shop, they sneak behind the rack she’s looking at and spill the rumours

- Sophie nearly takes down that rack and probably accidentally enchants a few items while muttering to them about how “This can’t be true, Howl would never… What do you think? You do seem like a sensible shawl, you know, but how do I react to this wonder- I mean, terrible, terrible news…”

- Clearly, Howl and Sophie won’t let their guard down completely after these conversations, but they do develop odd quirks

- Howl won’t leave Sophie the fuck alone 

- “Sophie, Sophie, did you see me cast that spell? Did it impress you? Sophie, Sophie, am I the most charming man in the world yet?”

- And Sophie is even more clumsy and flustered around him than normal, so she ends up snapping at him twice as much, furiously cleans the castle twice over with the most ridiculous determination Ingary has ever known and proceeds to enchant over half of the household’s possessions while she mutters grumpily to herself

- Sophie: “You, stool, how dare you get in the way? You ought to know not to trip people when they are trying to clean, for heaven’s sake! Now, next time you MOVE when people are coming near, you hear?”

- *the next day* Michael: “SOPHIE, WHY DOES THE STOOL KEEP MOVING WHEN I TRY TO SIT ON IT? SOPHIE, PLEASE HELP! HOWL? ANYONE???”

- No one in the castle has known peace for two weeks because of this constant madness

- (Calcifer and Michael greatly regret their participation in the matter)

- Anyway, for the matter of the whole wedding drama, let’s pretend that Fanny has set up an arranged marriage for Martha 

- (Bless Fanny’s heart, she means well, but she has no clue about Michael) 

- The same sort of marriage rejections occurs (which - even though Martha’s been trying to get away from it since the beginning - still is a huge social diss) and Sophie is OUT FOR BLOOD, LET ME TELL YOU

- And while listening to Sophie rant and rage, Howl decides that that’s the best moment to declare his undying love for her

- And ridiculousness of all ridiculousness, Sophie confesses as well but refuses to let Howl sweep her off her feet until he agrees to her revenge plot

- And while Martha’s already got two powerful witches on her side, having the Royal Wizard Pendragon on her side is never a bad thing

- It’s totally Howl’s idea to have the Hatter sisters disguise themselves (Howl’s disguise kink never dies)

- And to fake Martha’s death because he is so fucking dramatic, oh my god

- Calcifer and Michael are in charge for finding out who framed Martha and when they discover them, oh boy, does that person regret the day they were born

- Not only are they dealing with Pissed Off Hatter Sisters, but sweet innocent Michael is discovering bloodlust for the first time in his life

- It’s safe to say that witches and wizards can concoct some pretty unpleasant punishments

- So flashforward: we guilt trip this Terrible Fiancé into marrying Martha’s “double” 

- At the alter, she rips off her disguise and is like, “HAHA, YOU THOUGHT, BITCH!”

- And after dragging his ass for several minutes (it’s a Hatter trait, bless them), she declares that she’s marrying Michael (which Michael didn’t know, but it quite pleased to hear about)

- And after the dust settles, Howl proposes to Sophie in front of them crowd with probably the gaudiest, most ostentatious display of magic anyone has every witnessed

- And flustered Sophie turns him down since they’ve been keeping their romance a secret and she cannot deal with this PUBLIC HUMILIATION, HOWL, WHY???

- (and it’s not like their romance isn’t just them arguing a ton, so everyone assumes they are getting on as normal)

- Howl tries to play it off like it was just a joke anyway and NO, he did not spend FOURTEEN HOURS choreographing this magic display, how dare you infer that he’d do something like that - he is HEARTLESS HOWL, thank you very much

- But after Martha and Lettie basically drag them to the altar, do they begrudgingly admit their feelings

- And the moment after they say ‘I do’ s they immediately descend into bickering once more, but at least everyone admits the arguments are more loving

FINI