Im Crying... I Love Kim Namjoon So Much, Hope He Knows That

Im crying... i love kim Namjoon so much, hope he knows that

he always knows what to say ♡

Well i used to get this a lot except that now i just don't... and i still feel bad because now that they kept quiet i feel like is it because im hopeless now.. did i gain too much weight now 😭🥺🥺 i hate that about myself i weigh myself everyday... its so sad really

““Maybe you should stop eating, I mean look at yourself.””

— —  my mother

So about 3 weeks ago when i got my diagnosis about anaemia and hypothyroidism i was gutted and felt all alone right. I was crying and since i grew up in an adopted family that always says we are one, i decided to reach out in my moment of weakness to one of my sisters. She is a doctor by profession and i thought she can be knowledgeable and helpful in calming me down and be a good listener its not like i need money or anything, i just need someone i love to just be there for me emotionally cos i was bleeding.

So i called her and she declined my call so i was like okay let me wait so she will call me back. You see we are in 3 family group chat so obviously if someone is busy there wouldn't be forwarding jokes and replying to silly jokes in the groups. Until now i have heard no response, nothing. I have ended up comforting myself. Been to 3 doctors who were not helpful and now been planning to go see another one to find out if they will be helpful.

I am bitter to be honest, not against my sister, but just bitter that my parents are not alive. If they were alive, i would have a support network at least. That is all i need. I'm going blindly in this life without a road map and God bless my therapist but all she does is listens and does not really help me to make a decision when im stressed out.

Sometimes i just sound bitter and maybe that is why i keep getting sick 😂 and hence the cycle never ends... will it ever ends

Entitled people turn 70 and have their parents alive and still have everything figured out. When i am suffering with an orphan spirit, overcompensating in other areas lacking in the heart. Only God knows why i am here and where I am going. Very soon I will be able to ask Him a better question

For now, I rest my case & i will hang in here in the coldness of the neverending weird african winter...

Until then 💋💋💋💋

Okay i swear i did not mean to laugh or be mean or anything but, hear me out... anyone who has dealt with nightmares and paranoia will understand my humor. Its so dry it will put the sahara desert to shame but it still will make me laugh and been laughing all day today. I mean who took this video though. That's just hilarious but in a way a private moment for the baby boo.

So early this year i have been having crazy nightmares and yeah its been quite rough. I would often wake up like this dog on a couple of occasions. Sometimes i would be screaming out loud and its a good thing i stay alone otherwise that would be so weird. My first time waking up screaming and my voice was super horse and were tears streaming down my face and well i was so confused.

I kept crying silently but i was confused as hell like wtf. Why was i even so emotional and yeah i knew i was right to seek medical help. So i kept seing my psychiatrist and tbh i was in no mood to talk so i was not talking to any psychologist at that time. So i kept taking medication. The nightmares kept on for what felt like years infact now i look back it was only just a few months. Well now its a thing of the past i sleep like a baby and i hope that dog get treatment for that.

The moment i saw this gif everything came back and i was like OMG did i act out like that too? Did something like that happen to me too? I mean it was my first time to watch it happen to someone else and imagine that it was myself and that's when i lost it. I just kept laughing and feeling sorry for the doggie but well that must have some strange ass dream.

Now the million dollar question is... what was it about? Food? Fights? Bath? Well i guess we will never know.

As always i will keep holding on.

I actually m doing better these days after a few rough few weeks. So I thank God for that.

Until next time.💜🤗💋💋

Map Of The Soul ON:E Setlist (Day 1 | 201010)

Breathing

My president Kim Nam Joon once said that “the struggle is to go insane whilst trying to be sane”.

Depression is a bitch guys. My confession today was supposed to be calm and collected. But I feel murderous and drugged. I'm tired of side effects and taking endless pills. For anxiety and for depression. Each of these pills have their own side effects and they sometimes clash and i am the person who suffers.

Starting 2020 i decided to go the right path and seek help. I was tired of crying myself to sleep. I had entertainment depression and we were more than acquainted, super close. In the beginning she would visit here and there but she started moving her clothes into house slowly. I mean im nice i kept being nice i will just keep quiet if she needs me to be quiet and sleep if that is what she wanted. I wish she didn't required that i eat so much at the expense of my budget but yeah. She stood by me. I met a few friends who wanted to be close to me and i decided to ditch her she never said anything at all. She just have me some space and allowed me to be myself.

So my friends only lasted a few fun weeks and i started missing depression my long time close friend. So i called her up and it turns out she never left. She was just here with me all along waiting. The girls i became friends with were clowns and so i came back home to my close buddy who had never left.

I have known her since i was in primary school maybe sometime around 10. My life was highly unstable with too much relocation and feelings of being unwanted and not being able to fit in. She welcomed me and gave me a place. Where i fit in and allowed me to wallow on my misery. She looks at me with eyes that are never filled with judgement and allows me to condemn myself and agrees with me whenever i feed myself lies, or maybe it's her talking, I have no idea. Sometimes I can not tell us apart.

In 2019 however she became too comfortable and or maybe i became too much for her to such an extent that she called her cousin from out of town to visit in my own house without my permission. So one day all of a sudden Anxiety introduced herself to me. I said but we have met before, i hate you and she just laughed and took a sit. She made herself comfortable in my own home and together they took so much space that i became a slave in my own house.

So every day i was struggling with making decisions about everything. I went to celebrate my birthday in a beautiful country in Asia and anxiety decided to tag along uninvited. The worst thing about her is that then she brings all her cousins and nasty friends to the party. Lack of confidence, low self esteem, self doubt, self image issues and then energy has left the chat, then sleep has left the chat, and then everything automatically looks and sounds off.

Well that became the most difficult year of my adulthood. Such that when 2020 came i was ready to start afresh. But then again I had no idea what 2020 had in store for the world I just wanted to seek help for myself and try to start afresh.

I started therapy and knocked of anxiety, said hello and bye to panic attacks, nightmares, weight gain and weight loss now hallucinations and dizziness.... it's a never ending story of my life filled with drama Sometimes i feel like the main actress of a sad movie and a high budget box office hit super sad movie.

Will the story ever end? How? I can't wait to find out, hopefully soon....

I hope to keep holding on until then...

😘😘😘😘💜💜✌✌✌