God I Hate Knowing I Have Stuff To Do It's Like Bearing A Curse

god i hate knowing i have stuff to do it's like bearing a curse

??? Pt1

[***TW/CW vomiting - it's not described but he does talk about it a lot]

“General.” His greeting was short, curt. 

“Commander MacTavish,” Shepherd responded. He would never get used to that. Commander. It wasn’t his rank, at least not in his mind it wasn’t. In his mind, he was still Sergeant MacTavish- that was his rank before Shepherd ever got to him, before anyone had- he was second to Lieutenant Riley alongside Sergeant Garrick, under Captain Price. It was a lie, but it was his life, it had been for months and it felt more real than anything. He was a part of the 141. He liked his life the way it was even if it was a lie. He liked the 141, he liked Price and Gaz, he liked Ghost. 

It couldn’t last forever though, he knew that. He wished it could but he knew one day Shepherd’s orders would conflict Price’s and everything would come crashing down because he would have to follow Shepherd over Price. It was the chain of command after all and Shepherd had placed him where he was very tactically. Shepherd had never conflicted Price, at least past the point in which he was ordered to keep quiet about who had his true loyalty. 

It felt like it had been too long since he spoke but it couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, “what can I help you with, General?” 

He heard Shepherd’s harsh laugh through the phone, “that’s why I like you, John,” he cringed a little at the name, no one calls him John. To everyone he was Soap, or in the case of Ghost and Ghost only, Johnny. “You’re always so helpful,” the General was silent for a second before he spoke again, “it seems like my dog has broken his leash, we should fix that yeah?”

Graves. To say he’d been out of line recently was an understatement, he’d gone off the rails entirely ever since Shepherd had merely suggested betraying the 141. He’d said it to both of them- separately, of course, the secret of his employer was secret from everyone, including Commander Graves. Soap didn’t like it but Graves took the idea and ran with it. The 141 were his friends but there wasn’t much he would do without directly defying orders. “What do you suggest we do?” 

“What do you do with a dog that doesn’t stop biting?” 

He knew Shepherd was a monster but he couldn’t wrap his head around just how seriously ill in the head he was until this moment, “you want me to… kill Commander Graves?”

The General laughed again, colder this time, “intuitive too. You know I always thought you’d look better in that leash than him.” 

He felt sick. “You want me to take over for Graves?” Shepherd didn’t respond. He would take over Shadow Company, how would he explain that to his team? “I- how?” 

“I don’t care,” Shepherd replied flippantly, “just get rid of him, he’s more of a liability to me at this point than anything.” The line went quiet and for a fleeting moment he thought Shepherd had hung up on him but he never was that lucky, “oh, MacTavish, when you’re done with Graves, get rid of Riley and the rest of Price’s team, we don’t need any loose ends. Good luck.” 

He was going to be sick. At least he was lucky that time because Shepherd actually did hang up on him. 

He barely had the time to bold from his room to the latrine before he was heaving into one of the toilets. There was no mistaking what Shepherd meant by that. He had to kill them. Price, Gaz, Ghost. His team, his friends, his family. He had to kill them. 

‘At least you don’t have to explain why you’re leaving…’

“Soap?” an achingly familiar voice called from outside the stall. The same voice that kept him alive mere days ago when he was running through an unfamiliar city, cold, injured, and alone, hunted by the same people he was meant to lead. The voice he’d have to forcibly remove from the world soon. “Are you okay?” 

He opened his mouth to respond but no words came out. What were you supposed to tell the man you considered your best friend when you just got the order to kill him? A sob tore from his throat. He hadn’t even realized he had been crying until that moment but he could feel the tears on his face, running down to his neck, the back of his hands wet from trying to wipe them away. 

“Johnny? Can I come in?” 

He couldn’t deny Ghost. He never could, but particularly not now. It didn’t matter either way, he couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. Ghost didn’t seem to care for his answer anyway since the door behind him opened slowly and Ghost stepped in. 

“Hey,” his voice was soft, quiet, as he crouched to meet Soap’s slumped form, “are you okay?” He pulled the glove from his right hand, resting the back of it on Soap’s forehead. His hand was cold, Ghost’s hands were always cold but they felt colder, unnatural. 

‘He’s already dying. You’ve killed him just by being here.’

“You don’t have a fever,” Ghost mumbled more to himself to Soap but his voice snapped him back to the moment. “What’s going on, Johnny?”

He wanted to cry more, maybe throw up again, tell Ghost about everything that was going on, confess what Shepherd asked him to do. He couldn’t though. No one was allowed to know. Not even Graves. “I- I don’t know.” It was all he could manage. Close enough to the truth but way too far at the same time. He knew what he needed to do, but he didn’t know how he could. 

Ghost’s hand moved from his forehead to wipe the tears from his face, “are you sick? Did something happen?”

He shook his head, “the uh- the second one.” Talking to Ghost was never a problem for him before but now he had he had an even bigger, deadlier secret to hide, he couldn’t. 

“Okay,” Ghost ran a hand across his shoulder blades and down his spine, carefully avoiding his still aching shoulder. Soap drifted closer to him, resting his head close to his chest where he could hear his heartbeat.

‘He’s still alive. For now.’ 

Ghost’s hand stopped but instead of pushing him away like Soap thought he would, he pulled him closer. Soap fisted a hand in the back of his shirt to keep him there. Like if he gripped him tight enough maybe he wouldn’t have to ever let go. 

They sat like that for a moment before Ghost spoke again, “do you want to talk about it?” 

He could feel another sob catch in his throat, “I can’t.” 

There was a wetness on Ghost’s t-shirt but he didn’t show that he cared, he just resumed his action of running his hand up and down his back, “okay.” He let it go silent for another few moments, “can we at least get off of this disgusting floor? It’s a little uncomfortable, and… gross,” he laughed like he was trying to diffuse the whole situation. 

Soap let him go a little reluctantly, “right. Yeah- uh, yes,” he tried to push himself up but doing so only made him dizzy. 

“Hey, hey, I got you, you’re okay,” Ghost wrapped an arm around his waist to support his weight, “are you lightheaded or nauseous.” 

“I’m fine. Lightheaded, I guess. I’m not going to throw up on you, L.T., don’t worry.” 

Ghost laughed, “I’ve had worse things happen to me but thanks. It’s probably just fluid loss.”

Ghost was probably right, he didn’t know how long he’d been sitting on the floor emptying the little contents of his stomach. The stiffness in his muscles and the rawness and his throat said it was quite a while before Ghost found him down there. 

Ghost started moving the both of them towards the door, “let’s get you back to bed and I’ll get you a water and something to eat, okay?” His gaze was almost unsure like he didn’t know if that was actually the right thing to do. In a way it wasn’t, Soap was going to kill him one day- or have someone else kill him for him- and here he was helping him recover from throwing up just thinking about it. It almost made him want to do it again. It made him want to scream at him, to push him off and yell until they were both too angry with each other to think about anything. It made him want to make Ghost hate him so it wouldn’t hurt as much when he left but he couldn’t. Ghost was trying to help him, he at least owed him cooperation if he was… if he was going to kill him. 

“You’ll be okay,” Ghost said as he dropped him back in his room. And that was the problem, wasn’t it? He would be okay. He would be alive and Ghost wouldn’t.

[if you saw this before I remembered this is not ao3 and I have to manually put the italics back in no you did not, anyway can I just say it is so real of me to say I'm going to post a snippet and then post something that's only slightly shorter than your typical Redamancy chapter. It is also so real of me to say I was going to post this yesterday and then not do it because I got pissed I couldn't think of a name (if you didn’t notice I still can't but I gave up half because I have a migraine and half because I just can’t be bothered to try anymore but like if you have a suggestion please hit me with it). Anyway, I don't have a whole lot planned for this but I do have a couple scenes that have been floating around both in my drafts and in my head so we'll see what happens to them]

The urge to write a really cool well planned out 100k fanfic while having a brain that isn't capable of holding interest in a fic for more than three days

how you can help palestine

*i regularly update this post with any new info i find so please always reblog the original post*

Donations

donations currently reaching gaza:

‼️ help buy e-sims for people in gaza

donate to get food packages to gaza - care for gaza

donate direct aid to gaza - ehab rida (longtime activist and volunteer, has been carrying out donations and humanitarian projects in gaza since 2021)

palestine children's relief fund

world food programme

aid to gaza - taawon/bank of palestine

help gaza’s children

female hygiene kits for gaza - pious project

donate to UNRWA

urgent humanitarian aid to palestinians - anera

medical aid for palestinians

urgent support for medical professionals in gaza

donate to ahmed (@/90-ghost on tumblr)

he is born, raised and based in gaza. please help him reach his goal of $50K to get his family to safety across the rafah border into egypt. as of right now… it’s $7.5K per person to evacuate gaza.

help journalist yousef escape gaza to treat his cancer

help mohamed evacuate gaza to get treatment for himself and his daughter

support palestinians: buy a keffiyeh from the last and only factory in palestine - hirbawi

secondary donations:

emergency relief for gaza - pious projects

palestine red crescent society

save palestine - islamic relief canada

send medical supplies to gaza - palestinian american medical association

click to donate - arab.org

help bring down israel's weapon trade - palaction

donate for the recovery of hisham awartani

one of the three palestinian students shot by a racist in vermont for wearing kufiyas and speaking arabic. hisham’s injuries have left him paralysed from below the chest.

Petitions

‼️ urge icj to invite gazan journalists to testify

international cultural workers to strike from german cultural institutions for their complicity in oppressing palestinians and promoting genocide - strike germany

petition to investigate war crimes committed by israeli military

demand ceasefire - amnesty international

open call for immediate ceasefire

american government call for immediate ceasefire

american government to stop funding israeli military

ceasefire and increase humanitarian assistance - oxfam au

petition to get canva to address their pro-israel stance

invoke the genocide convention to call for ceasefire in gaza - world beyond war

suspend israel from international sports - diem25

UK to expel israeli ambassador - change.org

gaza healthcare workers for nobel peace prize - change.org

teachers around the world demand ceasefire - teachers for palestine

president whitten: reinstate samia halaby retrospective NOW - action network

demand the immediate release of mansour shouman

location specific petitions

gaza call for lasting ceasefire - oxfam (UK)

end israeli occupation - parliament uk (UK)

email your MP - medical aid for palestine (UK)

protect gaza civilians - islamic relief (UK)

stop fuelling genocide - action network (USA)

@ biden: call for ceasefire now - move on (USA)

ceasefirenow.com - jewishvoiceofpeace (USA)

call congress and demand a ceasefire - uscpr (USA - they provide a script of what you should say, so don't worry about it)

note: you can call everyday. they tally the number of calls per issue. so more calls = higher chance for them to take action. p.s. you mainly go to voicemail so don’t worry about phone call anxiety. fight through it just this once please.

no forced displacement! - action network

australia call on israel to stop attacking palestinians - apan (AUS)

immediate ceasefire and increase in humanitarian aid in gaza - actionaid (AUS)

email your MPs - stand with palestine (AUS)

‼️ australian senate to investigate australian citizens in the IDF for war crimes allegations - fpm (AUS)

‼️ arms embargo on israel - cjpme (CANADA)

sign to send letter to MP for ceasefire - nccm (CANADA)

ceasefire now! - ijv (CANADA)

call on your local mayor and council to demand ceasefire - LeadNow (CANADA)

cessez-le-feu et un couloir humanitaire - le mouvement (FRANCE)

écrivez aux député-es et sénateurs-trices - association france palestine solidarité (FRANCE)

write to your député - assemblée nationale (FRANCE)

skydda civilbefolkningen i gaza! - mittskifte (SWEDEN)

singaporeans call for immediate ceasefire (SIN)

contact your elected reps and demand a ceasefire (GERMANY)

write to the EU demanding a ceasefire (EUROPE)

template of letters you can send (EU)

guide on how to contact your MPs in EU

p.s. if the template is outdated, just use it as a guide and add a few sentences here and there that reflect the current situation. i can’t find any recent templates so :/ at least this is something

multiple actions you can take to help palestine - plant een olifbloom (NETHERLANDS)

includes: links for donations, emails to MP, emails to media, links to petitions and demonstrations

den haag, maak nú werk van vrede in israël/Palestina - the right forum (NETHERLANDS)

māori call for palestine - ourActionStation (NZ)

deem israeli actions as war crimes - NZ parliament/pāremata aotearoa (NZ)

basta ao genocídio em Gaza! - awaaz (BRAZIL)

globo e grande mídia, parem de desumanizar civis palestinos - the intercept (BRAZIL)

Campaigns

‼️ justice for palestine

reach out to countries to back up south africa’s invoke genocide convention at the ICJ

‼️ international criminal court

submit evidences of israeli war crimes

friends of al-aqsa

❥ UK-specific

urge your MP to speak up for palestine

hands off al-aqsa

stop administrative detention

petition for UK to stop arming israel

❥ International

boycott puma — email them to end their partnership with israel

boycott coca-cola

palestine action

join the resistance

islamic relief canada

urge your MP to rally for ceasefire

decolonise palestine

poster campaign to raise awareness on the war crimes being committed against palestinians

text/call campaign for people living in USA

text CEASEFIRE @ 51905 to call for a ceasefire

text RESIST @ 50409 to send a letter to your representatives to pass HR3103–a bill that prohibits tax dollars from going to israel

download 5Calls app to contact members of your congress | (more info)

fax campaign for people in the USA

go on this website to send 5 free faxes per day

here’s a link to a pre-written fax copy you can download to send (the first link on the linktree)

here’s a video that explains how to fax your senator (it’s very easy and all you need is a valid email address)

‼️ BDS movement

get involved in boycotting companies associated with israel

palestine diaspora network

global strike guide - join the global strike!

please let me know if you have any more links. i will add them in. and please reblog the original post!!

UPCOMING PROTESTS

PALESTINIAN LITERATURE READING LIST

PALESTINIAN BUSINESSES

I can tell I’m mentally ill because I just had to title a document “another Jacobi drabble pt 4”

She's up brosephs!

Last chapter! Last chapter! Last chapter!

Metanoia (yes I do know the name of my own fic ...now and I definitely did not put the wrong name when I first made this post and also in my ao3 chapter) chapter 1 should be up later tonight so you get to look forward to that too

Redamancy Summary: When Ghost is placed on medical leave and two months later, one Soap MacTavish shows up at his door. Despite their multiple years of being best friends, Soap doesn't know much about what Ghost is like outside of work and uses this maybe not-so-spontaneous visit to find out more. Ghost finds out more too, about Soap and himself. And Ghost has a dog now. Chapter 1 - https://archiveofourown.org/works/51840280/chapters/131069419