I Don't Know Who I Am.

I don't know who I am.

I was supposed to be small, pretty and girly. But I'm just disgusting. I have grown. I'm not his little princess anymore.

I'm not me anymore. I'm not who I was supposed to be, And I'm not who I truly am.

I need to hear "wow, you're so skinny" again. I need to hear "you lost some weight" again. I need them to look and be amazed by my small figure. I need it.

I know I shouldn't think this way, but I don't want men around me. No men. Maybe my dad, but he's not around anymore, and so his presence doesn't matter.

Except Him... Well, He came as a man and so He counts as a man.

I can't self harm. I can't drink. I can't medicate myself.

I know it's for my own good, but how am I supposed to stop this pain when I'm never clean enough to reach for Him?

I miss Him. I can't seem to let go of the disgusting life I put myself into. I don't even know the actual problem, I just know it's all my fault. It's always my fault. I never do anything right.

Except for reaching for Him. This I did right. But I have ruined it, as I always do.

I miss Him, I miss him, and I miss my baby. I always lose, and I'm always lost. I'm never found.

Screw it. I'll drink more coffee. With less sugar, of course. I don't know, the fun of the coffee is the coffee breath afterwards. I simply love it.

I need to stop and take control of myself, of my life, of things... I'm stained by sin again and I can't seem to stop and drive myself to the Lord.

I just hope He won't give up on me...