internet diary
24 posts
Olivia-45cal - Liv's Space - Tumblr Blog
there was music playing and we heard a big fish gently disturbing the black water. one of the last warm evenings.
berlin is ok :) i have some questions for whoever left a handful of almonds and a candle next to the river. was that some kind of ritual?
frühling
cornflower sky, an eyeful of light cascading down around my feet where the earth cradles my soul from the bowl of the fertile dirt blossoms peer up, cheerful, to meet
my eyes, quenched by colour, an earful of birdsong, welcome home, for so long i clutched my shell amongst the dust bones picked bare by the famished wind,
now trees cradle me as i unfurl, shy pink sanguine under sky washed clear with tears you took root in me, i watered our fears it looks like spring is finally here
l o n d o n
circulation, london's heart beats under concrete here, now, pumping a surge of cars, human swarms pulsing against veins, decay, array of faces meet the churn of neon and possibilies, and beneath tar roads bruise under frantic stampede, and more every year, looking for their cut of the meat humanity tangles along her hair, interwoven thousands of tongues throb languages unknown secrets and words drift up into the trees, nobodies each square eye of light a stranger's home
london sighs along the draining grey thames pours out her fatigue towards cold north sea two thousand years, millions of tears, labour sweat welled up in her river, basin of memory- a distant time, serenity, rushing grass plain humanity bloomed along her banks breastfed the soil with hope and pain scorched dead, rising again each chance a mother, veteran land, london
watching you sleep
moth wings, flutter shut over
sleepy eyes, gold wings beneath-
where images swirl in the deep,
soft locks, hair smells of sleep,
each breath a promise to keep:
to life, as you climb moonbeams,
into the sky, clouds weaving fleece,
into the sky, where promises keep
tundra
Steel faced, snow laced, packed in tight
Silence rings within the ice, by night,
chill stars reflect eyes, void and blue-
where the arctic grazes the skin of space,
tundra, crown of earth, sits free of you
Earth's marbled crusts groan, from below
Sun bound, complaining of the tilting,
acquiescent, fervent lurch towards you,
as solar flames lick black mouth of space,
as green ribbons sizzle through gloom
Aurora, deep winter sky, splintered into life,
across the black, painting heat on my ice-
even whales carry word of its splendour,
singing from frigid, secret depths of sea,
as colour flashes over my empty tundra
Inevitable rays, the sun's trying gaze
reaches the ice, a frightening gold
Unscathed ice glares back, you persist,
breathe warmth on my melting frost,
now wet, alive, soil drinks in bliss
My sun, each day, I spin back to your glow you burned in the abyss, but spring is here:
my tundra is alive, arctic poppies bloom, love woven into soft moss, dancing grass- I hope its vibrant colour warms you too
When both of our warmth relinquishes To eternal sleep, to the dead vacuum To the infinite black, a celestial tomb Even there, I will love you too
40%
Sometimes, my face unfurls
from what it's supposed to be.
And I shed my big girl clothes
And slither back into me
Sometimes I realise it's been...
one year. Flowers open their skirts
to the sun's gaze, crumple again
Pulled to death by steel wind.
Julia, I uncork and remember-
my bones sink into liquid fire
Warm again, I drink in the memory,
your face, breaths, stir embers
Alone with your ghost, I sip,
float into your reverie, see:
how your hands flutter, urgent,
bright eyed ferret, pillow lips
Sometimes, I put you back home
in my closet, where lie limp:
our dead, moth eaten uniforms
And I feel you burn my lips
before I shut you away
Woman
I'm a soft sort of strong:
hard, crate carrying back that
carries warm little hands too.
And a heart that gives, sees,
pulsing warm between breasts that,
one day, will warm heads like bread-
fluffed hot and happy in an oven,
like an oven, i'll burn through:
ravenous winters, bruises, tears,
and glow hotter when I'm with you.
My hips, curved valley, where lives:
My fire, the cradle, where life gives,
and takes, tides of blood, warm again,
legs that can carry quick when
cliffbound, homebound, my strong pillars
for the temple that cradles my bones,
and that's what i call home
scared
calling from my dreams,
rustling through the trees,
I'm scared-
half moon, she yawns, knowing,
her glow exposes my warm cheeks
ancient ice, cracks, groans,
under the weight of you,
I'm scared-
strong waters will rush through,
flood my heart, swallow bones
be still, my heart, I know,
now I'm melting wet, again,
I'm scared:
primal knowing, heating blood,
crimson blooms, hidden low
The scent of joy I daren't pursue,
It's frantic, it's strange, it's
You.
I was scared-
it feels like being alive.
11:11
Can you measure it?
Trap it in words, shake in its oscillations
Will you treasure it?
forget its presence, trawl through oblivion,
Maybe in breaths, blinks, heartbeats, orgasms,
Maybe in spinning stars, flushing leaves, ebbing life
We could learn to read the time
Drumroll, the foetus' triumphant heartbeat
Did you start here? In warm celestial dark?
Are you here? Or are you many,
throbbing unconscious knowledge, spark
The molten glow, our shared dream,
Grnapdarent's blood, warm red current
Beating the harbour of my tissue
Stir up our disposition, swirling through,
Behind my eyes, watching my turn,
Maybe I'll be nothing, but not us
I lived with them all, coiled up tight,
Behind the veil, as they breathed,
and sweat, and stepped into the light,
watched from a dream, a glance,
into a fish smoked family room,
We, everywhere,
A flock of dove wing heartbeats,
Watching the stars unfurl, exhale,
Temporarily chained to our feet,
And eternal sleep would be so sweet,
But for now I breathe, and the chorus repeats
helia
colossal creatures are buried,
empires turn to dust,
the promising words
dissipate in the abyss
between us
on this spinning rock, our hearts held still,
nebulous brown eyes, shining light onto my starless sky,
time and stardust unfurled itself to this place
where
our bodies are one, my hand in your hair,
our starfire blinding, scorching the air
sun goddess, the hot rhythm of your breath,
ignites me to life, your hot fire consuming,
burn me so bright, set my thoughts to flight,
i search for you in your sighs, the moon in
your eyes
you,
pretty poltergeist, haunt me with your kiss,
each thunder clap heart beat will promise promise promise
that
when relentless winds of time send my flame into the ether
when bright stars die out, our souls come untethered,
still i will love you, today, tomorrow, forever
porcelain
I brush dead hair around the broken china
that holds my soul, the mold
is crawling out, and it's fine
jagged in a pattern unknown to me,
the cracks shiver a twisted line, why
do i watch it?
cold glass eyes in the mirror,
fabricate your human, an idea, see it
smile herself into wholeness
heave the vessel along under
the stinging glare of lights, wonder
why am i not alive
wearing down that shiny china
unbending porcelain under fingers
that want and bend and crack a line
tell me i'm alive
Nobody
Press [esc]
Maybe you can shut the tab,
And it won't be all around you;
The sharp and gnashing humanity,
Of a hollow school, hollow home,
Of that concrete, cannibal city
And in that reverie,
Reprieve, from the snapping jaws of
Reality.
Back in that reverie,
The beckoning horizon,
Can I see it?
Maybe, just like in the movies,
I can shove my past into a suitcase;
Press it between cotton and linen and-
Now, I'm sliding away, Destiny pulling me,
Along the tracks, between the hills, there:
Vast blue destiny, tumbling incandescence
And lingering on the sea air,
On acrid tobacco clouds,
You will find me, somebody
A nameless face, allowed
the freedom of being a nobody
after hours
beneath benevolent incandescent gaze:
street lamps, and dancing leafy awning,
where the packets flit, tropical fish
a city tumbling, black with mourning
i lay and look and i am home
amongst this treasure trove, winking
amber crystals of beer
light scattered across puddles, thinking
if i lay and stay, would i become one
with this kingdom of things discarded
grilled under the tired sun
shattered under footfall, i started
thinking- if i lay in this throne, bed of grass
would crawling things pick pick pick my apple skin
until my core lies blinking at the night
let the biting cold, the hungry fungus in
let me blur into the secretive night
nibanna
the searching teeth of headlights cut her
through the dark where she lies still
under the gaping sky, breathing icy air
the teeming ground ravenous for skin
dreaming
Kleenex
Alabaster petals frill my body
A softness to give, I reach out,
You reach back, I flutter free
A puff of succour, spotless cloud,
Wettened by mouths, by fingers,
I fall limp, unblooming shroud
You're taking, the question lingers:
Do you prefer me small?
Or like breaking me down?
A little emptier, I peer above,
Taking
And away my layers are flaking;
To be used and crumpled is love
And I've been loved well;
The box gapes empty,
A wound, a womb, your pit of hell,
Taking, taking
means you love me plenty,
So take and crush this cardboard shell
Carmilla
Through these cold dark nebulae eyes I,
watched colossal flames ravish cities,
saw meteor's golden trail wink past all,
from the jagged outcrop of my castle
The sliding blur of years, earth smearing
through fire dusted space, pulling me.
And in my ancient body yawned cold-
blackest maelstrom, hungry as I was old,
still, armed with moon fresh countenance
The bell rings, wailing reverberation
off the dead stone walls of my ribcage-
alone, alone, alone, and in the moonlight,
stretch and contort faces, portraits so aged.
Names I knew, names I forgot.
The clock, mercilessly swinging its hands,
humans, thrust between dust and soul;
furling and unfurling your blooms, and
leaving me frozen in timeless cold
Quenched. Warm human hands, and
blood, blood on my hands too,
scarlet smile in moonlight, aren't I sweet?
Taking so they fall down into my blue
black maelstrom, that engulfs me to eat
I love you,
the red carpet from your neck inviting,
my soul leaping to your heart's drum.
I saw you in helpless state, cold biting,
As I stalked behind window panes, sighting-
Your soul's light dancing behind clear blue eyes,
Slender warm hands fit perfectly in mine,
And alone, in the tomb of my mind,
I know I am going to eat.
Sorry.
Gallows
Limp in the dark abyss hangs
The ego I wore and washed,
And once again I send them to hang,
In the gallows of my wardrobe
Where, untouched by time swings,
The corpse of my schoolgirl self;
Shirt, skirt, toothpaste stains no more,
Pocket notes, a perfect snowglobe
The tick tick ticking of the clock,
In rhythm with my heart,
The washing brushing dance of waves,
Hungrily pick us apart
Pirhouettes around the glaring sun,
Earth waltzes me towards unknown,
Dizzy, the lights smear past and burn,
from my blood a new woman is churned.
Leather shoes, foundations for a statue:
Of a woman, a worker, still marble who,
Smiles unmoving at the blur of seasons,
Reconstructed daily for unknown reason
The tick tick ticking of the clock,
In rhythm with my heart,
The washing, brushing dance of waves,
Hungrily pick us apart
When the cover of perceptions falls away,
The naked self is free, am I fizzing away,
Amongst scattered stars, the trees?
Am I the same and will I still be?
When all my forms are hung in the dark,
Will my soul soar somewhere bright,
Any marks I leave, washed away by waves,
Of time, of life, as I step into the light.
The tick tick ticking of time dies,
As my heartbeat fades away,
Bound by neither clocks, nor space, nor blood,
In death will I find myself or find I am nothing?
From dust I return, from dust I came.
Luna
She is pale, silent, serene in air
Aglow, lounging in her kingdom
Sighing, drifting clouds can't reach her
But she watches with silent knowing
Bathing me in her effervescent glowing
Luna, the pearly unreadable plain
Of your face, where I drift in my dreams
Taunting, I tread black waters in vain
I rise and fall for you, sighing wet tide
On lace crests of waves, you hide
Luna, oblivious of the merciless dance,
Of waltzing earth in the infinite sky,
Pretty demon, sapping me each chance
Unscathed by ravenous fire,
And still cold with my warmth
only yesterday (garlic bread)
yesterday i went to
get garlic bread
crusty
buy one get one free
it hurts when i pee
summer dies
when the electric buzz of crickets
crackling along hot, street lit bushes
die out in the heavy tired breeze
when cold autumn fire burns tips of trees
i will remember your name
when the laughter we basked in
dissipates on cooling grey sea air
when the corpse of our promises
to you, to future, rots with the fishes,
i will remember your name
soon snowflakes will softly whisper
and turn our canvases white again
i'll tie my hair back and wear a grin
melt the snow for spring again
because we can't stay the same
once i warmed in the milk of your gaze
hummingbird heart beating to escape
watching your mind flicker quick like a fire
trying to say it (what) whilst evening drapes
as if i could keep us the same
over cold killed earth, shimmering frost
winking in cold sun, hills now glossed
my bones thaw in the warmth not lost
from the memories planted in summer because
i will remember your name
