When Is It My Turn

when is it my turn

shout out to behind the scenes photos of the actors looking very happy while absolutely soaked in blood

Zero Day told through Mitski lyrics.

(LONG POST!!!! moments and scenes will not be in order)

Andre’s last moments.

“And I want a love that falls as fast as a body from the balcony, and I want to kiss like my heart is hitting the ground” - Townie

— Andre’s last words were asking Cal for permission, for instructions to die. He wanted to die at the exact same time, not a moment before or a moment after. His love for Cal overshadowed everything. His plans to run, the false passports, the foreign money—they were all useless in that moment. He wanted to coincide with cal, to be one with each other. Their blood would share the same floor, mixing together in a last show of their devotion.

The Burning of the Crosses

“You’re my best friend, now I’ve no one to tell how I lost my best friend” - The Frost

— The thought of someone burning their crosses would make Andre and Cal laugh. They would make fun of the perpetrators together, but now they lay under the ground or on a cold metal table in a lab somewhere. There is no one to talk to. There’s a darkness for both of the boys, but it’s different from what they’re used to. Unlike the darkness in Cal’s eyes that used to make Andre’s chest burn, Andre finds this blackness cold and he does not feel anything from it. Unlike the darkness in Andre’s words that would always excite Cal, Cal is bored.

The Reactions of Their Families

“So if you need to be mean, be mean to me” - I Don’t Smoke

— After the massacre, both Andre and Cal’s parents blame themselves, especially after the police question them and ask them how they didn’t notice anything awry. They wish that they had been a source of relief for their boys. In their eyes, Cal and Andre are still their babies, and they do not want to believe they did anything wrong. They want nothing blamed on their boys; they want everything on them.

Andre’s Last Conversation With His Dad

“Lately I’ve been crying like a small child, so please, hurry, leave me, I can’t breathe, please don’t say you love me.” - First Love / Late Spring

— Andre’s eyes have always been focused on Cal. He believed that no one would ever love him, at least not to the extent Cal did. The moment his dad says the words ‘I’m proud of you’ his world almost falls apart. Would his dad understand him? Would his dad be proud of him in his final moments?

Cal’s Diary With the Sitar

“Mom, am I still young? Can I dream for a few months more?” - Class of 2013

— Cal knew what the outcome of the crime would be. He was aware that he was not coming out, that he truly did not want to come out. He would’ve ended everything the same way no matter if the crime happened or not. He knows Zero Day is coming up soon, and he wants to keep that dream almost completely separate from the way his loved ones know him.

Andre’s Plans vs Cal’s Plans

“But, Big Spoon, you have so much to do, and I have nothing ahead of me” - Your Best American Girl

— Andre and Cal have very different views for both the future and the present. Andre works, has gotten into college, and is in multiple clubs and track. he wanted to run after Zero Day. He wanted to live. On the other hand, Cal had nothing, no job, no outlook for after Zero Day. He knew of Andre’s wants, but he also knew it was never a choice for him.

Final Moments

“I just need a quiet place where I can scream how I love you” - I Want You

— The ultimate show of devotion from the two boys is their deaths. They are surrounded by nothing but quiet, only slightly disturbed by police sirens and a 911 operator. There is nothing in their mind other than one another. Their lives flash behind their eyes and what they see are visions of each other.

Cal’s Hopes for His Family and Rachel

“Maybe when you tell your friends, you can tell them what you saw in me, and not the way I am” - Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart

— While Cal doesn’t care what people think of him or what his legacy is, he wants to keep intact the minds and reputations of those he left behind. They shall not be disgraced simply because they trusted him. He even clears their names for the police in his final statement.

The Final Diary

“So why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you stop me and paint it over?” - Why Didn’t You Stop Me?

— Andre and Cal state multiple times that this had to happen, that they have to even the score of life. They blame others, almost explicitly saying there have been moments that should worry people, but they have been allowed to keep going and no one can stop them now.

“I Couldn’t Have Done This With Anyone Else.”

“One word from you and I would jump off of this ledge I’m on, baby, tell me ‘don’t’ so I can crawl back in” - First Love / Late Spring

— Cal is it for Andre; Andre is it for Cal. They exist in each others’ minds but not as parasites, simply as another train of thought. Anything the other says is gospel; every word the boys say sounds like it is coming from one mouth, one mind. They will do whatever the other person tells them to do.

Andre and Cal Finding One Another in Life

“Little boys cry and look around for comfort, and always get what they want” - Real Men

— The moment Cal and Andre meet, they know they have found their person. They will never judge one another, and they have shared experiences. They hate together, and they love together.

Cal Defending Andre to Rachel

“But with everybody watching us, our every move, we keep it secret, won’t let them have it” - Once More to See You

— Cal knows the truth behind the reason for recording, but he refuses to tell Rachel for multiple reasons. He doesn’t speak on anything until she mentions Andre. he quickly moves the blame to himself, saying he’s insecure and needs attention. He knows he and Andre are being observed and how others find them weird or off putting, but he refuses to play into it. Their true thoughts are reserved for one another. No one else is allowed in.

“We’ll be like God.” “No, we will be God.”

“You believe me like a god, I’ll destroy you like I am” - I’m Your Man

— The two boys view themselves as something greater than life, as something beyond religion and beyond belief. They take everything into their hands: their peer’s lives and the balance of the world.

The End.

cal’s the type to be cold all the time but andre won’t let him use a blanket because he’s hot so cal just pulls andre on top of him

This MIGHT be caldre

me because of andre’s birthday . idgaf about mamma mia (except for gay colin firth i think)

MAMMA MIA! 2008│dir. Phyllida Lloyd

the boys getting told off by ben

ok andre kriegman…