I've Been Living In Her World For So Long, And Before That In My Ex's World For A Decade. And Both Of

i've been living in her world for so long, and before that in my ex's world for a decade. and both of their worlds aren't real. i had to adapt to living in this made-up world where other rules apply, where the same action has different consequences, where the victim is the abuser, where the reaction to the abuse becomes a justification of the abuse, where what i've experienced is taken away from me and claimed to be untrue, where my feelings don't matter, but theirs do, where the slightest disagreement becomes a reason for punishment, where everything good and kind i ever did stops counting at the drop of a needle. i live in alice's wonderland, where nothing makes sense, where words are twisted, and abiding by her rules, or my ex's rules, doesn't necessarily even guarantee a good outcome, because really, nothing, nothing makes sense. and it doesn't matter that you point out to them that they aren't making sense in reality, because their illness creates self-fulfilling excuses for everything. if someone disagrees, it's because they're stupid, or just can't understand them, it's because they don't know the full truth. but all that the "full truth" actually is, is a personality disorder. volatile and unstable emotions and impulses and fixations based in trauma that don't make real sense in the real world.

i also have severe trauma. i had it from childhood, teenagehood, and now i have it from 15 years of relationship trauma, which was my whole adult life so far. but i never let that trauma take control like this. i always worked hard to figure myself out in a healthy way, by learning mental health and psychology and goodness, not in the "i need to figure myself out by enabling my impulses, cheating and lying and behaving destructively and doing drugs, everything to escape my internal conflicts" way.

of course my trauma affects me a lot. it's what kept me in these relationships, to a degree. the fact that i really wanted to have their love no matter how they treat me. i wanted to be loved and cared for and to be happy together, because i've been unhappy for my whole life. but they didn't make me happy, not consistently. just now and then. and i accepted it because of my own trauma, even if i think the largest part is simply because i do love them. because as humans, we do match each other really well, we get along really well, just... not when the disorder hits. they are like completely different people from day to day, while i'm always myself, even if sometimes i'm a bit more sad, or a bit more detached, or a bit more stressed, i never stop being a good person, i never dissociate from my own personality, i find ways to handle my struggles that don't destroy my partner or my relationship.... i care, and i always care, and i still care, now, after all that she did to me. and it's horrible to care this much. but i also think it's important to care this much. i think it's important to love truly and deeply, to support others through bad times. but they weren't supporting themselves. that's the problem. even now, she's not taking care and taking steps to do better, and i know my ex didn't either, even though i no longer know what happens in their life, i can imagine with likely accuracy.

im trying to get myself out of this wonderland, i have one foot in her world, one foot in the real world, but that's a grand step for me. i'm meeting people that aren't like her, that aren't living in delusions. it's so tragic. she hated her mom for her mom's delusions and abuse so much, but she's recreating the exact same thing. i really wish things would've been different. i really wish she'd have trusted me and let me help her before things became like this. i really wish her country had adequate support for her illness, because she's not getting any help, not even when she tried to call the right clinic during a brief moment of clarity. it's so hopeless and so tragic, and i miss her so much, and i love her with all my heart. but i have to keep grounding myself in the real world and not let her keep me in wonderland.

Henri Toulouse-Lautrec - In Bed (1893)