My Relationship With Food Is Getting Worse Again. Most Foods Feel Repulsive. I Fear That I'll Throw Them

my relationship with food is getting worse again. most foods feel repulsive. i fear that i'll throw them up.

even meals i loved so dearly; i simply pay no mind to them anymore. i feel so disinterested.

constantly feeling full, but never hungry. i know i need to eat. why can't i?

we've never gotten along. but if our relationship gets worse, i know i am. it scares me.

i wish i could be normal about food. enjoy it like everybody else. but i am uncanny in every other aspect and this is no exception.

my body is crying out for help, i know this.

i don't think my brain can hear it.

february shifts from one foot to the other, the deer paths trodden and soggy; winter's muddled canopy carved out by tomorrow's clear blade of sunlight, i grow tired of waiting, i grow tired of letting the line ring, (why can't i pick it up?)

crocuses hanging their heads at my feet, they feel an early spring; i look at their smallness, and hope it does not betray them, unlike myself, they have trust in the soil, trust in their roots— they do not wait, what would be the point in that?

i have grown tired of waiting; i look at their smallness and think perhaps it is time to unclench my own fists

and hold my life with open palms.

i will love you on your good days and even more on your bad ones

people hate raw emotion. they treat it like looking at a dead animal.

insides creeping to the outside. protruding love, cabernet emotion spilling.

drink and drink. the intoxicating wine of the human condition.

heavy with so little, exasperated and fickle.

drunk with the hope of happiness, drowning in fear of sadness, all wasted pursuits.

investigate the corpse, wring out the mind.

suck the marrow dry.

why are you so sad?

@darkerthanerebus | rainer maria rilke | unknown | tennesse williams | juansen dizon | unknown | jamie oliveira

“beneath the ledge in the morning mist she kisses my eyelids and my wrists wake to the bleeding of the blade of the sun”

- my angel by adrianne lenker