Beyond Thankful For The Ones Who Chose To Stay. A Few But It Feels Fine, Its Fine.

Beyond thankful for the ones who chose to stay. A few but it feels fine, it’s fine.

Things aren’t the same but I am glad I’m starting to like it this way probably due to the new eccentric people I’ve met recently and it’s lovely to be surrounded by individuals with diverse mentality. I like how affecting this is bec it helps me to see life in a different light, to live all the remaining days in a less worldly way. Idk, I let my gut do what’s just and I do eyerolls at myself bec it’s so hard not to be contented, it takes a good amount of practice to only want the needs, the good essentials by disregarding the grandiose, the hype, the trend. I want to break that human culture for myself and still, I continue to train my mind off it.

Hah *sigh* I missed writing raw entries like this.

Hi ate porshe. I just like you to know that I'm a fan from the glorious days of tumblr hype up until now. You have changed a lot ate porshe. Atleast, for the better. Hindi ko alam pero yung awra na ng blog mo is so vulnerably strong. I still like to visit your blog kahit deact na ko at nasa wordpress na ko for a very long time. Keep smiling :)

Learned and unlearned a lot.Idk, but this one got me a little teary. You got me. Thank you. I appreciate your observation.

Finally able to get a good rest after a week (or two) of weeping and feeling bad probably because of the things I kept on overthinking about or maybe the fact that I’m being a hormonal human lang. I’d like to think that, but maybe it’s just my lame excuse so I wouldn’t see myself as an entirely soft person. I’m never comfortable knowing my emotions take control. Although, I felt the universe gently tapped me telling that it’s okay to be like that sometimes, to feel, to be a vulnerable person. But, haha, surprisingly I got my bad menstrual cramps today and it just validated the mood last week. I don’t know what to believe anymore, I don’t understand myself most of the time. I’m typing this and I’m not even shedding a tear which is surprisingly a yay for me bec I randomly cry during my byahe/s it’s so embarrassing!!!! bec I couldn’t control it, little things trigger my eyes to produce unwanted tears, kadiri. So maybe I feel ok now, or got my much needed release last night. Although it still pains me to think that I’m overly affecting others because of my bad energy, that believe me, I really try to fight off. Whenever I feel like I’m starting to feel down, I do a little bit of isolation for the mean time to keep me from messing up anyone’s pace because I believe, energies are so contagious. Most of the time, I rant in twitter which I’m abandoning again because it’s not helping me in terms of dealing with my own personal issues, I just don’t want to embrace the concept of it for now. I really wanna do something more productive other than feeding myself an idea that I am in need of saving. Ugh. Anyway, good side of today is I got myself a tub of cookies and cream and ate almost half of it. Woah wait don’t judge, it made me feel a little well. Heh, don’t worry, I’ll be fine. This is just one of those phases, I hope.

What’s your fashion style? And how do you feel about it? Did someone already tell you that you’re baduy/maporma?

Not really living/following the trend life so I’m not sure if that’s considered baduy? To me, atleast, it’s not. If I’d categorize what’s appealing to me in terms of style though. I like the in betweens of having the french look, which is usually laid-back lang and the boho type get up. Overall, I Iike the comfy look I guess.

Combat boots over heels type.

I’m doing clean ups with my old stuff and I found my stack of journals/planners since 2010 and I giggled as I browsed through it, it’s so young and expressive in a lot of ways. T'was fun to look at.

But, what really caught my attention is this mysterious folded page that I already forgot about in my 2014 planner. Opened and found it sweet because t'was my 2014 self that wrote just in case I stumble upon this one in present time.

And yes, I’m going to share the content:

Dear future Porshe, 

“You’re prolly wondering why the past Porshe wrote this for you. Well, right at this moment I hope you find what you’re looking for, that could be a success in career, probably love, or something else. But let me remind you of this day, you wrote this missing all what you’ve done before. I hope you’re not thinking of the same shit now though. I hope you truly moved on to the sad past of what ifs and endless road not taken questions. You deserve more, forgot about your worth for a very long time. But, I hope you didn’t get tired of searching for someone who will choose to stay no matter what. You’ve been tough and I hope up until now you’re still that, better if stronger, but capable of giving love to anybody. I’ve made a lot of mistakes before and I hope you got it right, now. I hope you’re in love or if not? Established, fulfilled, happy alone with your family and everyone else. Are you a graduate now? Cos if you are? I’m f-ing proudest, cos you earned it and I know you’ve been through a lot in between the time I wrote this to the time you’re reading this laughing, giggling or crying. It doesn’t matter. What about your shirt business? Is it on-going? Remember that was the dream? I hope you worked hard to make this happen. I’m pretty much excited to see you soon and I hope you don’t disappoint me once I get there. You know I’m counting on you. I’m gonna work harder and dream more after this because if I don’t start now, well, my other self tomorrow won’t do it too. Do you have your own house now? What’s it like? Is your family in good condition? Did you help Papa? I hope all of your selfishness is gone now. I’m hoping you’re a better version of Porshe compared to yesterday which is me. I hope you’re capable of challenging yourself in a different level. And I pray you haven’t given up. I know you’re in a better life. I hope you’re happy and contented. I wish you’re proud of me, too. I’ve come to realize that I needed to move forward because that’s where you’re at now. Love endlessly, hope and never forget to pray because I’ve done it a lot in the past and I’m sure it’ll help you along the way.”

Love,  Past Porshe

Cute, with a hint of sad on it. I like the part how I sounded really hopeful and strong though. Honestly, this is the kind of subtle reprimand I neede, gave a lot better impact because it’s from me. Lol, don’t worry old self, I’m all good in some aspects, stronger in a better sense (because I have to) although I’m not really in my greatest yet. Wait up, I’ll get there.

Timely, thank you.