Things Arent The Same But I Am Glad Im Starting To Like It This Way Probably Due To The New Eccentric

Things aren’t the same but I am glad I’m starting to like it this way probably due to the new eccentric people I’ve met recently and it’s lovely to be surrounded by individuals with diverse mentality. I like how affecting this is bec it helps me to see life in a different light, to live all the remaining days in a less worldly way. Idk, I let my gut do what’s just and I do eyerolls at myself bec it’s so hard not to be contented, it takes a good amount of practice to only want the needs, the good essentials by disregarding the grandiose, the hype, the trend. I want to break that human culture for myself and still, I continue to train my mind off it.

Hah *sigh* I missed writing raw entries like this.

Play in places.

Too young to feel older but kinda old to still play around.

Awkward age for an awkward free soul like I am. But, I don’t despise this life at all, maybe at times I do but the love for it weighs more. Twenty-six years of existence, still, I can’t claim to know it all. Funny, I thought adults know better. But in my own perspective, growth, literally is just a measurement of tolerance and deeper understanding of this whole temporary concept we call life. Wow, that sounds a lot like maturity? Don’t want to call it that, it’s more of an expansion of my other strong-front-but-completely-whacked-self kudos to the roads I chose to cross and cliffs I dived into which probably killed me close but hah, it didn’t.

It’s the same as the game play in animal kingdom. Survival of the fittest, otherwise, if weak, we get stuck, the universe will treat us as its prey and then we die, could be in literary sense or not. You know what I mean.

Fight anyway, risk anyway.

However, surprise!  I woke up this morning having all the urge to say what’s on my mind and since this has always been a platform of my personal liberation. I’ll find my way back to it, always. I thank the higher being for still giving me a chance to experience all these, even if I don’t get the point most of the time. Subtly learning it by pieces, crossing my fingers I don’t screw myself up, there’s a lot more figuring out to do. It’s inevitable.

I hope we all do well in life.

I am going to try to be a little bit more expressive through means of writing again. Most probably I’d lessen the use of Twitter temporarily bc it’s basically the universal block of good ideas, people don’t even realize it. Anyway, have I been craving to be a little bit more honest with myself for the past months and blogging might give me a better insight or greater emphasis on my much needed self-contemplation. No, this isn’t a way to put a pressure on myself. Maybe I just want to talk uhm sailor-ish way bc I miss embracing the blunt in me. Have I been too careful? For the past months I felt like I’m caged and I couldn’t even point out why. I just felt like I didn’t have a voice/say and I break free, I aggressively break free every time I feel like I’m being controlled by the system or concepts or expectations. It’s a self-battle. I find comfort embracing the improper. Or is this improper? Where do we even base all things proper anyway? If only the universe could hand over an instruction manual to tell me directly if this isn’t the way to go. Still, I want to learn a lot of things on my own. I like my mistakes, I keep it in my pocket.

This week, I kind of, made my fam cry again heh it’s not bc I did unlawful things. It’s just that whenever I speak my side, it just blows up like a forest fire and everyone gets too emotional like ok go I’d claim the evil award idec I’m always the bad egg here thanks that’s totally fine with me and I find joy wearing that title now bc I’d much rather be the interesting one than be the self-proclaimed dead fish on a current. Yup, feel free to send hate mails. I really don’t like talking too much irl although I never back down when I feel like people don’t even listen to what I’m trying to say. Anyway, the convo ended with hugs and little apologies. We’re ok. Had all the guts to blog about my personal rants bc I don’t think everyone’s still blogging. This feels a lot like a safe place to me.

I’d repeatedly gush over the kind of mess I roll my eyes at but secretly like so much. Never letting this healthy infatuation die, safely keeping it to go against my own boring cynicism.

If all else won’t go the way I planned or end up not being “the” great painter or a well-versed musikera. Maybe, out of all my internal cries of trying to search for what I’m really good at I have found my little life purpose for other people through my endless pauses and repeated attempts of trying to know myself better. I will always carry a heart to encourage more of these little bbs to make art ‘til the 'rents get mad for catching all of them finally sketching behind their books. Making sure that even for my short-lived chances, I’ll leave the countless new generation an impact to simply embrace their ability to make a difference and just be.