I Am Going To Try To Be A Little Bit More Expressive Through Means Of Writing Again. Most Probably Id

I am going to try to be a little bit more expressive through means of writing again. Most probably I’d lessen the use of Twitter temporarily bc it’s basically the universal block of good ideas, people don’t even realize it. Anyway, have I been craving to be a little bit more honest with myself for the past months and blogging might give me a better insight or greater emphasis on my much needed self-contemplation. No, this isn’t a way to put a pressure on myself. Maybe I just want to talk uhm sailor-ish way bc I miss embracing the blunt in me. Have I been too careful? For the past months I felt like I’m caged and I couldn’t even point out why. I just felt like I didn’t have a voice/say and I break free, I aggressively break free every time I feel like I’m being controlled by the system or concepts or expectations. It’s a self-battle. I find comfort embracing the improper. Or is this improper? Where do we even base all things proper anyway? If only the universe could hand over an instruction manual to tell me directly if this isn’t the way to go. Still, I want to learn a lot of things on my own. I like my mistakes, I keep it in my pocket.

This week, I kind of, made my fam cry again heh it’s not bc I did unlawful things. It’s just that whenever I speak my side, it just blows up like a forest fire and everyone gets too emotional like ok go I’d claim the evil award idec I’m always the bad egg here thanks that’s totally fine with me and I find joy wearing that title now bc I’d much rather be the interesting one than be the self-proclaimed dead fish on a current. Yup, feel free to send hate mails. I really don’t like talking too much irl although I never back down when I feel like people don’t even listen to what I’m trying to say. Anyway, the convo ended with hugs and little apologies. We’re ok. Had all the guts to blog about my personal rants bc I don’t think everyone’s still blogging. This feels a lot like a safe place to me.

📌 Quezon

From almost 4-hour ordinary bus rides, to good drinking sessions, beach and bonfires. I had a nice time with my co-artists for two days around Lucena (Dae’s hometown) and had a risky stormy last trip to Lucban just to get goodies worthy to take home.

Overall, t'was a fulfilling one.

I’m doing clean ups with my old stuff and I found my stack of journals/planners since 2010 and I giggled as I browsed through it, it’s so young and expressive in a lot of ways. T'was fun to look at.

But, what really caught my attention is this mysterious folded page that I already forgot about in my 2014 planner. Opened and found it sweet because t'was my 2014 self that wrote just in case I stumble upon this one in present time.

And yes, I’m going to share the content:

Dear future Porshe, 

“You’re prolly wondering why the past Porshe wrote this for you. Well, right at this moment I hope you find what you’re looking for, that could be a success in career, probably love, or something else. But let me remind you of this day, you wrote this missing all what you’ve done before. I hope you’re not thinking of the same shit now though. I hope you truly moved on to the sad past of what ifs and endless road not taken questions. You deserve more, forgot about your worth for a very long time. But, I hope you didn’t get tired of searching for someone who will choose to stay no matter what. You’ve been tough and I hope up until now you’re still that, better if stronger, but capable of giving love to anybody. I’ve made a lot of mistakes before and I hope you got it right, now. I hope you’re in love or if not? Established, fulfilled, happy alone with your family and everyone else. Are you a graduate now? Cos if you are? I’m f-ing proudest, cos you earned it and I know you’ve been through a lot in between the time I wrote this to the time you’re reading this laughing, giggling or crying. It doesn’t matter. What about your shirt business? Is it on-going? Remember that was the dream? I hope you worked hard to make this happen. I’m pretty much excited to see you soon and I hope you don’t disappoint me once I get there. You know I’m counting on you. I’m gonna work harder and dream more after this because if I don’t start now, well, my other self tomorrow won’t do it too. Do you have your own house now? What’s it like? Is your family in good condition? Did you help Papa? I hope all of your selfishness is gone now. I’m hoping you’re a better version of Porshe compared to yesterday which is me. I hope you’re capable of challenging yourself in a different level. And I pray you haven’t given up. I know you’re in a better life. I hope you’re happy and contented. I wish you’re proud of me, too. I’ve come to realize that I needed to move forward because that’s where you’re at now. Love endlessly, hope and never forget to pray because I’ve done it a lot in the past and I’m sure it’ll help you along the way.”

Love,  Past Porshe

Cute, with a hint of sad on it. I like the part how I sounded really hopeful and strong though. Honestly, this is the kind of subtle reprimand I neede, gave a lot better impact because it’s from me. Lol, don’t worry old self, I’m all good in some aspects, stronger in a better sense (because I have to) although I’m not really in my greatest yet. Wait up, I’ll get there.

Timely, thank you.

Hi ate porshe. I just like you to know that I'm a fan from the glorious days of tumblr hype up until now. You have changed a lot ate porshe. Atleast, for the better. Hindi ko alam pero yung awra na ng blog mo is so vulnerably strong. I still like to visit your blog kahit deact na ko at nasa wordpress na ko for a very long time. Keep smiling :)

Learned and unlearned a lot.Idk, but this one got me a little teary. You got me. Thank you. I appreciate your observation.

Beyond thankful for the ones who chose to stay. A few but it feels fine, it’s fine.

How many times do we have to lose ourselves in a lifetime? How far do we tolerate the lesser love we don't deserve? How often do we find ourselves not living the now? How rarely do we kiss the ones we adore the most? How much are we willing to do to take care of the lonesome? How greatly do we disregard the effect of a healthy affection?

How...... *infinite questions to shake us up if we're living this right*