.

بأن يتوق القلب لما كان سابقاً.

The heart yearns for what it once was.

‫وأنا أتوق إلى النور، على الرغم من حرقه لأنني بدونه، سأكون في الظلام بالتأكيد.

And I yearn for the light, even though it burns. Because without it, I will surely be in darkness.

~ mindofserenity

Self-Discipline Isn’t Always the Answer

So I wasn’t really taught to brush my teeth every day as a kid. So I didn’t. I got to be an adult and realized “hmm teeth are expensive I need to start brushing them” and brushing my teeth twice a day has been on my actual to do list every single day of my college career. It’s a habit I needed to build.

Have I successfully done it? Absolutely not. I’m pretty good about doing it at least once a day, but some days it just doesn’t happen. It’s not that I forget usually, I just had some aversion I couldn’t figure out, until last week.

I’m at the grocery store, in the toothpaste aisle with my roommate, and I complain about how much I hate mint. I FUCKING HATE THE TASTE OF MINT. The taste and the smell, any kind of minty thing in any form, I HATE IT. But literally every “adult” toothpaste in the aisle was some type of minty disgusting nonsense. And my roommate was like “you know you could like get kids’ toothpaste? You like bubblegum right?”

And y’all, it was like the clouds parted. I got some strawberry bubblegum kids’ toothpaste. I brushed my teeth with it and it was a whole new experience. I have successfully brushed twice a day every day since, because the mental block I had towards it is gone! 

I thought my lack of brushing was just a moral failing on my part; I was too lazy, too undisciplined, to build a good habit. But really? I just hate the taste of mint so much I didn’t want to brush my teeth.

This made me realize that when presented with a change you want to make, a habit you want to build, if you’re encountering resistance in yourself, you should lean into that resistance and really investigate what’s causing it, then work on accommodating that. 

Say you hate washing dishes so they pile up and then you’re overwhelmed by how many you have to do. Why do you hate it? Deep down, what about it do you dislike? Is touching wet food super gross for you? Try thick rubber gloves while you’re washing. Does the sound of dishing clanking together grate your nerves? Do them with headphones in and turned up loud. Do you hate the smell? Light some candles, spray some air freshener. 

Do these things instead of gritting your teeth and forcing yourself, then ultimately failing and getting discouraged by your “lack of self-discipline”

TL;DR: When a task is consistently hard for you, relying on self-discipline, forcing yourself, and gritting through doesn’t always work. Lean in and listen to your discomfort, and find what makes the task hard, then try to accommodate that. Also, mint toothpaste is gross.

Being progressive with consistent practice paves the way for perfection.

A reminder that all the best people were once beginners. If you want to become really good at something, keep practicing even when you don’t see progress immediately. You can’t see it, but you’re improving a little bit every time you practice. Keep going and one day you’ll be amazing at it.

bro they took down standwithkashmir's website 😶

hey! could i ask you some advice on how to network in grad school? i also have to pick a research group and idk how to do that either. I'm pretty much on the introverted anxious-wreck side and i don't know how to approach profs and senior students. how was it for you in your first year of grad? x

Hi there! 

Here’s my top advice on networking in grad school:

Create a LinkedIn account. This really should be a necessity nowadays, because it’s the best way to stay connected on a professional level; no other platform allows you to quickly (and passively, which is great for introverts) see what company people are at right now, etc. So create an account, stay active on it, and use it to form and maintain your connections. I quite literally landed my industry job out of my PhD via LinkedIn. 

Get to know the other grad students--not just in your immediate cohort, but also older grad students, younger grad students, grad students from other programs, etc. They will be your colleagues, now and forever. Same goes with anyone else you come into contact with, including post-docs, research techs, professors, etc. If approaching older students/professors is intimidating, just start with your classmates. Any connection is a good connection. Joining any events your program or the grad college offers (like volunteering) is also a great casual way to meet people. You don’t have to become BFF’s with them--just know them enough so they’ll remember who you are when you add them on LinkedIn!

An under-appreciated place to network are poster sessions. Check out my post about “Networking at conferences” for more info (and to read other tips I have there). Not sure when in-person conferences will return in the world of Covid, but it doesn’t hurt to keep them in the back of your mind. 

Informational interviews are great informal ways to learn more about a job or company. I did one over the phone with a program alumnus who was working at a company I had hoped to join after graduating, and here are the questions I asked him: Possible questions to ask during an informational interview

Keep in touch using LinkedIn messaging, or email. Phone calls and in-person meetings stress me out too, so I much prefer written communication where I can re-write my message to my heart’s content. Keep in touch with past professors, mentors, and just anyone who has helped you by sending brief updates on your life, holiday greetings, etc. 

If you don’t know how to approach someone, asking for their advice is always a good route to take. People love talking about themselves and doling out personal advice on what they’re most experienced about. So sending an email like, “I’ve just applied to this position at your company--do you think it’s a good fit for me and what advice would you offer if I move forward with interviews?” or even just “I want to be in your shoes someday; what advice can you give me?” stuff like that. (Also great for job interviews when you have a few more minutes to kill lol. I love asking: “So what was your path like to this company?” and then sit back and relax for a good 5 min.)

Here are some other masterposts of mine to check out for general grad school advice, including posts on picking research groups peppered in (some may have links that repeat themselves):

Post #1 

Post #2

Post #3

As for what my first year was like, it’s in my FAQ page (if you scroll down to “What’s grad school like?”. In general it was a whirlwind of just trying to learn a million things at once, but I took it a day at a time :) I was lucky to have a great support group in my cohort, grad program, friends, and then eventual thesis lab. 

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions. Best of luck during your grad journey!

Charles Simic, ‘Totemism’, from Dime-Store Alchemy: The Art of Joseph Cornell