Quick, Someone Tell Rimmer He's Not Alone!

Quick, someone tell Rimmer he's not alone!

I feel like we don't spend enough time appreciating Rimmer as a cowboy.

Question for my fellow writers, how do you write convincing smut?

I have tried, repeatedly, to do it since my current wip will require it at some point, but it always ends up reading as mechanical. I can't quite get the spark of proper passion or heat.

Need your advice, because this is driving me batty.

Someone on reddit made a Red Dwarf character quiz, and look who I got.

Me in my mid-thirties, still googling how to write a good opening line after a lifetime of writing.

This kid:

Good lord someone fan me down.

Before the court of love, I stand accused, Guilty of adoring you with a heart laid bare. I confess to every infraction of affection.

I call forth the witnesses of my desolation: Ask the intimate sighs of the violin, The lonely walls that echo my secret passion, The wilted roses in my garden of yearning, The prose born from intense nights of longing.

Inquire of these eyes, red and sleepless, with want, Of this throbbing heart that beats a restless rhythm, Question the alley cat’s plaintive loving cries, The bird’s serenade at the break of day.

Let them all attest to the truth: You are the thief who has stolen my heart, The usurper who claimed my pen, The conqueror of my inner sanctum, Who crowned yourself upon my spirit’s throne, As ruler, judge, jury, and executioner.

Before your judgment, my body surrenders; I submit willingly to your decree, Placing the noose of your love around my neck.

And when asked to seal my fate, I write only your name, For it is you who has penned The final chapter of my sanity.