Roadkillthefox - Roadkill

Just overheard one of my coworkers saying that he’s going to try to expand the business to israel. So, uhh… yeah. If that happens, I’ll be looking for a new job

On the one hand, I like ordering off the kids’ menu. On the other, I AM TWENTY, NOT TWELVE

Annual reminder to please not tell "young looking" trans guys/transmascs to "appreciate" not being seen as even close to our actual ages?

No it's not cool, flattering, or something I enjoy. I don't want to be handed a kids menu at almost 24. I don't want to be ID'd 10 times in the same night at the same establishment, I don't want people to refuse to see my ID because I "must not be even close to 21". I don't want people staring at me and making comments seeing me a smoke a fucking cigarette because they think I'm 13.

I don't want to chat with a random 50 year old drunk cis guy about youth

I don't want some random group of middle schoolers chatting me up and telling me how I look even younger than them when I tell them I'm a full ass adult

If it wasn't to the point that I've literally almost been denied service or kicked out places multiple times? Maybe I wouldn't be so mad. If It wasn't to the point that I feel ashamed and embarrassed because of other people being weird? Maybe I wouldn't be so mad.

In five weeks I get to see a doctor about my chronic pain for the first time. I’ve been talking about it and saying that I’m in pain since I learned to talk. I’m twenty now. That’s how long it took just to be acknowledged. And I know I should try to stay positive and hopeful that the doctor will listen and help me, but I just can’t bring myself to think that. Not just because of the years of medical malpractice I had to deal with while in “treatment” for my mental illnesses. But because my whole life, I was told not to complain whenever I spoke up about anything. No one really listened to me at any point in my life, so why should I lie to myself and try to believe that someone will hear me now, right? I’m just tired. These last few weeks have been a wake-up call, and I’m seeing my pain and fatigue getting worse much faster than I thought. I’m watching myself fall apart and fade away. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone, a nightmare I can’t escape. My anxiety has been getting worse, with thoughts of the possibility that the pain may get so bad that I won’t be able to do anything for myself at some point. I try to push these thoughts away, to find distractions in every moment. But the fear clings to me, closer than my own skin. It’s bullshit. It’s not fair. There’s so much I haven’t seen or done yet. So many things I want that I’ll never have. I just want to live before I die. I’m not ready to disappear, but every day, the shadows continue to close in on me.

Personally, I only care about the feelings of those who I think care about my feelings. So, the list of those whose feelings I care about is short (my dog and my bird. That’s it). But I know I’m not a representation of everyone

"Autistic people aren't worried about other people's feelings" well that's big fucking news to me considering how I'm anxious 24/7 about accidentally annoying everyone I ever meet

I don’t miss him. I don’t want him back. So why do I keep dreaming about him? Why do I keep looking at his blog to see if he’s talking about me (he’s not)? I guess that means some part of me still cares. Still wants him to come back. But why? I’m the one who walked away this time. I made him hate me on purpose. It’s easy to make someone hate me. All I have to do is be me. Take the mask off and stop pretending to be a good person.

But it’s for the best that he’s gone. I wasn’t actually happy. I mean, I’m still not, but at least now the only person ignoring me is my mom. And I’m used to that, so it’s fine.

I just don’t get why I dream about him. I don’t dream about other people who I don’t care about anymore. Which implies that I care about him, but I don’t. I don’t give second chances. I just can’t afford to - mentally or physically.