I Am Loving Bernard

I am loving Bernard

#1 WAY TO MAKE ME SHIP A SHIP EVEN HARDER: LOCAL UNHINGED BOY COMES IN SWINGING A GODDAMNED SLEDGEHAMMER TO GET HIS SUPERHERO BOYRIEND BACK, YES, YOU FUCK UP THE CHAOS MONSTERS TO GET TIM BACK, BERNARD, I am 100% onboard with this now.

THEY ARE BROTHERS YOUR HONOUR

Dick: Hey, Jas- why the hell are you wearing a bucket hat indoors?

Jason, who wanted to copy his big brother's mullet but accidentally lopped too much hair off: Hey, bucket hats are cool, okay?!

Dick: Alright...?

*4 Years Later*

Jason: 'Sup, Ti- why are you wearing a hat indoors?

Tim, who thought Jason's white stripe was cool and tried to imitate it but accidentally bleached way too much hair: Hats are really cool, Jason

Jason: *realises* oh. Oh my god...

*2 Years Later*

Tim: Hey, brat, did you- uh, why are you wearing a hat at dinner?

Damian, who secretly thinks Tim's eyebrow notch is cool and tried to copy it but accidentally shaved off half an eyebrow: Because hats are cool, idiot

Tim: *softly* oh. I get it now...

Loving this headcannon

Bernard: Hmm...

Jason: What?

Bernard: You look an awful lot like Bruce Wayne's dead son Jason Todd.

Jason: -blue screen-

Bernard: I mean add a few years and pounds.

Jason: Wait. What?!

Bernard: Hmm. -prods Jason- I suppose Wayne Enterprises would have the tech. It would explain a lot...

Jason: I...I have no idea what's going on right now.

Bernard: -dialling Tim- Hey Babe.

-indistinct phone noises-

Jason: Who even are...

-Bernard puts a finger to Jason's lips-

Bernard: Shh, I'm checking something. No sorry Babe, I was shushing the clone.

-loud, angry phone noises, and confused Jason noises-

Bernard: Tim, of course I'm not talking to a Robin, it's daytime. I'm talking to the clone of your adopted brother Jason Todd who I bumped into at the Farmer's Market.

-very angry phone noises-

Bernard: -sighing- Tim I love you, but we all know that Bruce Wayne dated the Batman, which is where the Batman clearly stole the Robin Cloning Tech from...

-angrier phone noises-

Bernard: Look Tim, don't get angry at me that your adopted father's ex doesn't understand boundaries. Anyway, I have to go as your Brother's clone is malfunctioning and a hot red head with a kid is trying to drag him away from my citizen's arrest. Love you!

He’s just a little gremlin

Listen to me. Listen to me. Tim deserves to be 19 and thriving and making it everyone else's problem.

He's not been Robin since he was 17 and maybe the Red Robin series happened here, maybe it didn't, but either way it hardly matters now. He's not angry about it anymore but it's an inside joke between all the kids for reasons that Bruce doesn't understand (and probably won't ask about). He grew his hair out long enough that he can tie it back in a messy bun or a half ponytail, and he's gotten at least one tattoo to cover a more conspicuous scar he couldn't explain away easily to the press. He got his GED and he's taking college classes in an artsy major specifically because it pisses off the stuffy old men at Wayne Enterprises. Paparazzi have snapped at least two dozen photos of him skateboarding through downtown Gotham in a Givenchy sweater over ratty-ass jeans and heavy combat boots. Clips of him being a complete fucking gremlin at a public event have become standard meme templates. He's Lex Luthor's second most important nemesis purely because he's bratty and annoying and clowns on the guy on socials all the time. He's rabid. He's ungovernable. He's so endearing because of it.

this is my truth

(original)

headcanon that the smaller batkids steal the bigger ones' hoodies and jackets. and by "bigger ones" I mean literally anyone bigger than them.

jason gets the short end of the stick because dick and all his little siblings take his. tim's the only one bold enough to go for the leather jackets (well, and cass, but they're way too wide in the shoulders for her) but it's not uncommon to find dick or stephanie in a dark red or gray hoodie that smells of motor oil and gunpowder.

damian usually takes dick's hoodies, but they're very oversized on him. on the bright side, there are thumbholes in the sleeves of all dick's hoodies, so he can still use his hands. the thumbholes make them a hot commodity in the winter.

there is a tim-steph-cass jacket pipeline. steph steals tim's hoodies and cass takes them from steph. hence tim stealing jason's leather jackets -- steph won't take them, so he gets to hold on to them until jason realizes and takes them back. sometimes cass will also steal duke's hoodies, but she always returns them clean and neatly folded (unlike how it goes with the rest of the family, in which they are returned only under threat of blackmail or with long rounds of negotiation).

this is an extremely long-standing ring of jacket theft. you cannot leave a hoodie unattended in wayne manor. damian doesn't actually own any hoodies, and cass only owns one, because there's so many other people in the house to "borrow" one from. nowhere is safe. steph once broke into dick's apartment to steal his warm hoodie, the one with the fuzz on the inside.

but it goes the other way sometimes. jason leaves things in the pockets of his leather jackets for tim -- film for his camera, hand sanitizer, half-filled punch cards for local coffee shops with "drink water too, fucker" written on the back. cass will tuck little slips of paper in the cuffed sleeves when she leaves hoodies out. the notes don't say anything, but they have little smiley faces and hearts on them, and steph has taken to doing something similar with corny jokes. dick just straight-up leaves candy in the hoods of his jackets.

it's a game, it's a love language. it's simultaneously annoyance and affection. there's nothing like wearing a hoodie that's too big for you, that smells like your family, to make you feel safe.