Lead Balloon (the Tumblr Post That Saved Me)

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

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no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

Today in the Department of Before They Were Star Trek Stars, Part 1 of a double feature! Like the last episode of The Outer Limits, this episode had too many good shots and too many Trek connections to fit comfortably in one post. Leonard Nimoy guest stars in "I, Robot," episode 9 of the second season of The Outer Limits (original air date Nov 14, 1964).

Nimoy plays a journalist covering the story of a robot on trial, accused of the murder of his creator. The story has elements of a space-age retelling of Frankenstein, as well as the ethical issues surrounding the creation of artificial life that Star Trek has been exploring for nearly sixty years and human society is still wrestling with today. As Nimoy's character says at the end of the episode, “It's not the end of the story. It's just the beginning.”

Other Trek Connections:

In flashbacks, the scientist who built the robot is played by Peter Brocco, who played one of the Organian elders in the Star Trek episode “Errand of Mercy.”

The scientist's niece, who hires an attorney to defend the robot, is played by Marianna Hill, better known to Star Trek fans as the flirtatious Dr. Helen Noel in “Dagger of the Mind.”

More to come in Part 2!

since it's october, and i know the taste in movies of medic fans, id like to give you guys an edit we made a while ago of re-animator that removes the 2 minute s/a scene that was not needed.

feel free to reblog so others can watch the movie without being triggered

This is gonna sound rather conceited but I feel like it highlights an issue we have in Art.

I'm good at art. I've never had a hard time making art. I started using crayons before I could walk. Painting, Beadwork, sculpture, sketching, stippling, whatever- once I have a feel for the material, it doesn't take long to start doing what I want with it. It's been a common theme my whole life.

(Y contrast I'm awful at things like dancing, performance, sports, etc- in all things there is balance, right?)

Now, I've taught myself to use so many artistic mediums now that I KNOW how to most efficiently integrate them into the brain database. Once you really *understand* a material, it's much like memorizing the layout of your house, or flexing a muscle, or something in-between- it becomes PART of your brain in a way I cant quite articulate. But to get there involves just fucking around for a bit doing nothing in particular.

And I've found, especially in group settings, that nobody seems to be able to see you make something badly and leave you alone. Even if you say you're fine, you don't want help, you're happy, you're having fun, it's fine, they gotta ride your ass and hover.

I was at a class the other day for something I hadn't done before. The medium was one I've never used, so once the instructor told us the basics I started experimenting with weight, gravity, texture, viscosity, saturation, temperature, etc. The instructor had given enough info to know what was dangerous and what was safe, and beyond that I just wanted to absorb what I could about it.

And no insult to the instructor, but they kept checking in. Which was fine the first few times.

But then, without asking me what I was trying to do, started giving tips. That I told them I was grateful for but didn't really need just yet. If I had a question, I'd ask.

But they kept coming over. And touching my shit. And manipulating my project. And touching my hands. And using my tools. Without fucking asking.

And this happens every time. EVERY TIME. And by now I know the best way to get them to fuck off is to make something way beyond their expectations so they know I'm capable, then go back to doing what I want.

So I did. I wanted to keep having fun and learning, but instead I made something beautiful that I really didn't want to make, and wasted my time, and really didn't learn what I wanted to learn at all. I knew the formula to create a beautiful thing, so I followed that formula the same way I have a hundred times before, and didn't get to try anything spontaneous or ugly or exciting, just so I could be left alone.

And I know when I was a kid, I was aware aware people saw me puttering alone on something ugly assumed I had a special issue and treated me like I was stupid because of that. (I was neurodivergent.) And at at time I knew that I could do a neat trick for them like a trained pony and they'd go, "Oh, surely they aren't defective if they can do something like that!" And piss off.

But what if I hadn't known how to do that?

What if I hadn't been talented, or "special"?

What if I'd been just any other average kid trying to learn, and I couldn't pop something pretty out of my ass to get them off my back?

My problem my whole life has been that I haven't been allowed to make anything ugly in peace. I'm capable of beauty, so I have to make beauty, or get stepped on. And once people see what I can do, they get loud about it. "Look at this! Look what they did! We all know who the best is, don't we?". And that used to feel good, but it's tiring.

And how many people like me just wanted to play? Just wanted to have fun and experiment? Who were having fun with no goal in mind, or just took longer to learn, who gave up because of all the obnoxious helpers breathing down their neck with no way to shake them off?

How many of us are made to feel defective because we aren't doing things beautifully?

I have a lovely piece of art I didn't want to make.

I think I'm gonna frame it.*

(*I think I'm gonna burn it in my yard.)

an angel on letterboxd just dropped a whole playlist of films free on youtube I was filled with so much love and light I had to share with you guys

honestly the confusion over exactly WHOSE souls got snatched did get me confused for the exact same reasons you said above. Honestly I keep trying to rewrite this and the "plothole" is full of contradictions.

Medic now has 9 souls - so he had to get at least a full team of mercenaries (made up of 8 others) to get that number - and reading the comics it's implied he stole them from his original team, but that still doesn't explain why both Sniper and Scout went to "heaven" because usually only souls would get there? Maybe it was some sort of stasis like in the "Sound of Medicine" MVM short that was released. (I think I saw a post a looooong time ago talking about that)

But as for the "pregnancy" thing, I don't want to give spoilers especially since the reading ahead was accident, but the person who actually got some use out of the baboon uterus was one of the "classic" mercenaries, The Heavy. (You were right!)

Another thing to do with the "pregnancy machine" that Redmond and Blutarch suggested before meeting Gray Mann was that it was for an heir....and in the comic "Ring of Fired" (1st one) Gray Mann shows up with a child. (And asks Saxton Hale to fight them).

How did he get the child?

I would like to think Medic had something to do with it, since a MACHINE was "a crime against nature" in his opinion.

(I realize now I went on a tangent and answered completely 0 questions

google: how to talk to people?)

wait did medic steal everyone souls as the ones he surgically implanted in himself and now the devil has to trick him out of them in 50 years time????