Yall A Tumblr User Made This And Idk How To Feel Abt The Results

Y’all a tumblr user made this and idk how to feel abt the results

Tw: self hate, references to: death, self harm, vomit, depression, EDs, etc.

Last night I cried so hard for about half an hour to the point where I almost threw up. No one was online so I got no solace in other people. I had spent the whole day cleaning and just messing everything up. I didn't get a single bit of drawing in, which is one of the only things that brings me joy at this point.

I was listening to my Spotify playlist, which made me feel more understood, but it didn't really help bring me out of it. I've been clean of self harm for over 4 months now, but that was one of the moments I was seriously close to losing that streak.

I was thinking about everything wrong, from my best friends death to my once good, now awful relationship with my mother, to a thing with an ex where I regret even dating them, not because it was bad, but because I had to choose between him and my current lover and you can probably assume who I chose. Now I'm worried he hates me, which is awful because I still love him, I just see my current lover as end game.

I feel so guilty for that last one, and for the first one. It feels like everything is getting bad again, from me starting down the road to an ED relapse without knowing the trigger, to suicidal thoughts popping up in a genuine manner, not loud enough for me to listen to them, but enough to be heard and thought of. I thought I was getting better, I wanted to get better, it makes me so sick to know that I may never fully recover.

I just want to live in a big haunted Victorian house in walking distance of a bakery, a library, a bookshop, a forest, and a river and where I can befriend local ghosts and forest spirits. Not sure why that's asking so much.

Lena Katina & Julia Volkova of t.A.T.u. photographed by Sheryl Nieds (2002) [✩]

my current mood

do you ever get hit with a breeze that carries the smell of soft memory and understand why melancholy was considered a sickness?