Scene-kween-xd - Kandi Arcade

TW: ED

I managed to overcome my mini relapse, I'm doing better abt eating.

my current mood

do you ever get hit with a breeze that carries the smell of soft memory and understand why melancholy was considered a sickness?

very useful, don't get me wrong, I love fem things, especially clothes, but we never really get to see the masc side of fairygrunge (:

some masc fairy grunge outfits🪲🤎

TW: ED

I triggered myself back into my eating disorder. It's been gnawing at me for weeks and I finally decided to bite the bullet and do the trigger. I hate it, I hate myself, and I hate how easy it is to slip back into old habits. Yet it's so addictive. The hunger, the numbers dropping, even the triggering material itself. Please never do what I did, please avoid this life. It's like a drug, you always want more. It's nearly impossible to fully recover, at least for me. I've been clean for months and now I'm back, I feel like such a failure, yet it feels strangely good. I hate it. I hate it here. Everyone is gonna be disappointed and upset with me.

Tw: self hate, references to: death, self harm, vomit, depression, EDs, etc.

Last night I cried so hard for about half an hour to the point where I almost threw up. No one was online so I got no solace in other people. I had spent the whole day cleaning and just messing everything up. I didn't get a single bit of drawing in, which is one of the only things that brings me joy at this point.

I was listening to my Spotify playlist, which made me feel more understood, but it didn't really help bring me out of it. I've been clean of self harm for over 4 months now, but that was one of the moments I was seriously close to losing that streak.

I was thinking about everything wrong, from my best friends death to my once good, now awful relationship with my mother, to a thing with an ex where I regret even dating them, not because it was bad, but because I had to choose between him and my current lover and you can probably assume who I chose. Now I'm worried he hates me, which is awful because I still love him, I just see my current lover as end game.

I feel so guilty for that last one, and for the first one. It feels like everything is getting bad again, from me starting down the road to an ED relapse without knowing the trigger, to suicidal thoughts popping up in a genuine manner, not loud enough for me to listen to them, but enough to be heard and thought of. I thought I was getting better, I wanted to get better, it makes me so sick to know that I may never fully recover.